squeaky

Clean!

AH. I love cleaning. I can't even begin to explain the immense satisfaction I get from cleaning. Like, it's kind of abnormal. I love organizing and cleaning and gathering up trash and all that fun stuff. As much as I would prefer that I don't collect trash in my room, sometimes I like that feeling of compiling everything into a trash bag and victoriously tossing it down the garbage chute outside. If you want more details on how much I love cleaning, you can always revisit this entry: breakthesilences.blogspot.com/2008/11/mr-clean.html.

AND the weather is AWESOME today. I think it's like 67 degrees or something crazy like that.

Though the week has been crazy busy and I still have a lot more craziness to look forward to, just being able to have these two hours-ish to run errands and clean my room and do my laundry and blast music from my iPod stereo...ROCKS.

Can you tell that I'm super excited right now? :)

I'm SO glad I did not spend these two hours sleeping (my original plan as I was sleepily answering questions in Spanish.)

In the future, if you're ever moving in somewhere and you need things organized, I will be more than happy to do a good portion of it (as long as I'm not made to do everything...and it's not like 80 degrees inside.) Clean room, clean mind! 

*This is pretty much the best-smelling laundry detergent EVER.

bizman

I had my first legit interview today - it was for a marketing internship opportunity here on Penn campus. I felt like such a noob - I had to borrow a suit and folder from Tiff, I barely knew what I was going to say, I got there 15 min early and had to wait almost 15 past the original time for my interviewer to show up, and I must have said "Um" at least 40 different times. 

But all in all, my interviewer was really nice and informative, and I think I got out a good portion of all I wanted to say, although I guess I rambled and stalled from time to time, and even if I don't get it (although I really want to!) I can honestly say that it was a good experience.

It really made me think of college interviews, only crazier, because I actually had to suggest campaign ideas and sound like I knew what I was talking about. I was reminded constantly of why I need to build up my resume/work&research experiences. Man, I wonder what it'd be like to do an interview with like so much cred that I go in super confidently. I didn't get to do it for college, and as of now, as a frosh solely committed to DP and church, I feel like I need to get my act together...even more, ha.

Either way, whether I get it or not, I'll know that God has a plan for me, because I at least got the opportunity to get a smidget of a taste of the interview process at the very least.

So yeah. I'm going to have to pray hardcore. LOL. :)

---------

EDIT:

As of 11:34 am today, I got it :) The only thing I have to do now is reconcile my summer schedule/parents.

give me your eyes

What would it be like to be blind?

Would you rather be blind or deaf? 

The decision between blindness versus deafness is something that, obviously, one can't make when it really gets down to becoming either or. But in a hypothesizing sense, I think it's a very difficult decision. I've always thought that, as a musician, I guess I would choose to be blind rather than deaf. I love music, so why would I want to be deaf?

But seriously, imagine what it would be like. You wouldn't be able to see the mixing of purple, orange, red, yellow when the sun sets, or the smiles on the faces of your loved ones. On a shallower level, you wouldn't be able to appreciate nice clothes anymore; there wouldn't be a point in going to fancy restaurants or dance shows; there wouldn't be a point to even sitting down to surf the web. You would have to depend on others to direct you in a new place, and who knows who's dependable if you can't see them. 

But you know, it's interesting, because in Bible study the other day, we said that the eye was the first step to sinning. Every sin that you know - lust, gluttony and greed, perhaps even pride - begins with one look. But the ability to see is so ridiculously important to us: it was estimated in 2003 that about 36 million Americans spend about $1.95 to 3.5 billion on contact lenses every year. About 1.3 million others spend $2 billion a year to receive refractive (Lasik) surgery. Why do we so want to reverse a process that is natural? Perhaps because we don't want to stop another process that is natural to us: sinning.

Not to say all blind people are sinless, or even that if you become blind, you'll be less sinful than if you had 20/20 vision. But it's definitely something to think about.

Eyes are just super-duper important, so use them well. Our last OFlow (dance ministry) piece was based on Brandon Heath's song, "Give Me Your Eyes," where he asks to see the world through God's eyes, to see things with more depth, understanding, and compassion. We see because God wanted us to enjoy the gifts he has given us, the everyday little things that are so perfect and beautiful - even if it is murky and gray in Philly today. 

Why do people usually list eyes as one of the first things they notice and/or love about the opposite gender? Because apparently, it's like the "window to the soul" or something cheesy like that. So yeah. Not only do we use our eyes to see the world, the world uses them to see us. So again, use them well.

(The opposite scenario, but a good video nonetheless.)

100th post!

i can be my own publisher

I remember I used to get secretly insulted when I would submit something to the literary magazine at my high school and it wouldn't get published. I think they played favorites, picking the same people's writing over and over again. But that's okay, because I can publish myself whenever I want now on this blog. WSUP.

I read this at a Speakeasy thing at the Kelly Writer's House way back last semester, when I didn't think I would get so sucked into GCC/DP. Ha. It makes me miss writing creative stuff.

--

Weather or not to speak:

Your eyes get really small when you laugh

and no one would guess that you, of all people, would have an awkward laugh.

You do.

and it's funny.

because I have an awkward laugh too.

And it gets the worst when I talk about the weather

because it's funny that the weather is all I can talk about.

Did you know that the high is seventy-six tomorrow?

It's raining on Thursday. Curse Thursday rains.

It always rains on Thursdays because it's like God knows that

that's when I can see you

packing up your life in the car and

temporarily sitting in the passenger seat,

looking out towards the dimly-lit parking lot

thinking about what I can only guess to be anyone

but me.

And you walk in this certain way like you know where you're going

but every person on the same path is an act of chance

Your eyes light up for a fleeting moment and I can't forget

how immensely surprised you look.

You don't scare me;

I wouldn't give you that satisfaction.

but the ripple in your face makes me think that

I

scare you.

So I continue to talk about the weather

and inform you that there will be an unexpected chill tomorrow

so God can prepare for the next Thursday shower

when I'll pass by with my umbrella and offer a smile

and you'll look surprised, as usual

and maybe I'll slip and fall into a puddle with your name

and you'll laugh awkwardly as you step out of the car

and offer me a hand

and all I will be able to say is:

Horrible weather we're having today.

(C) 2008. Sarah R.

You have no right to reproduce and/or distribute this work without my permission, fool.

material girl

Okay. My first materialistic entry (I think?):

I want THIS (well actually, the blue classic kind, ha) -

Yes, ladies and gents, that is a Polaroid camera. Sure, I have that spiffy application on my comp where I can turn any digital photo into a Polaroid-looking one, but that doesn't produce the legit tangible photo. And I think those white little squares are so cute and so artsy and just waiting to adorn my plain dorm room's walls.

So yeah. I definitely want an old-school Polaroid camera before I get one of those crazy DSLR cameras for my 21st birthday (hopefully!) 

I think I'm slightly obsessed with photography.

old and new

I woke up at 8:30 am and headed out to Woodbury Outlets in NY today, just like I usually do when I'm home. We used to go all the time when I was a little kid - I hated going, just like I used to hate shopping...yeah. The places I always remember stopping at are the toy store (which I'm not sure still exists) for Legos and Beanie Babies (which I only ended up owning three of, because they were "pointless" according to the rents) and Espirit, the only clothing store I moderately tolerated there. I remember getting worn out walking into stores I didn't understand or appreciate, where for their clothes I was way too young.

Well, things have changed. Especially since I like shopping now. But not only have things changed, I had a full-on collision of the old world (my childhood in Jersey) with the new world (my life now in Philly): on my way into the Armani Exchange store...I run into Chi-Ho! 

It was a pretty crazy random happenstance and I was, of course, happy to see him, but man. It was odd. I mean, the fact that I would see him outside that specific store, that's no surprise :) But to see someone so very obviously from my present in a place so obviously from my past - it was really unique.

So yeah. That was my day. I had too long of a nap just now, so I am irked, because I must study for my psychology midterm! And write my paper(s)! But otherwise, life is good. 

CKwon sent me this in the midst of my ridiculous freaking out yesterday, and it was definitely comforting (and ironic in light of my awesome bargain shopping today, ha):

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of those. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Matthew 6:25-34)

this game

Called life.

What the heck am I doing with mine? What am I called to do? What am I good at? What are my strengths?

Why did Penn pick me? Because if I knew that, maybe I'd be able to convince other people that I'm worthy of being hired this summer/after college/for the rest of my life.

I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm good at. And I sure don't know what God's plan for me is.

Geez.

the mother-daughter equation

So, my maternal grandmother has been staying with us since Thanksgiving, and things have been pretty much the same, like every biennial/annual visit she makes. She has always been the caretaker of our family in terms of housework, giving my mom the break she needs; she lives in Bangladesh when she's not here, and there, she has a bunch of helpers - maid, cook, chauffeur - so it's like she starts feeling useful when she sets foot in the States.

All this hasn't really been a problem in the past. I mean, she makes amazing food and always has a hug for me whenever I need one. And whenever my mom and I used to get into squabbles (more like my mom would scold me for something like grades or mistakes, etc), she would be the one to step in the middle and try to mediate things. But you know, this past visit has been different from all the other years.

She just can't be the caretaker all the time, especially as she ages. But I think there's just something in her nature and maybe even her pride as a mother/grandmother where she can't let go of doing everything in her power to provide for us, and this is actually creating problems. My mom wants to assume more responsibility and take care of her but my grandmother insists on taking care of her, and this leads to squabbles which I have found myself mediating.

The mother-daughter relationship is just about the most wonderful and yet the most trying one out of all the family relationships, even more so than a father-son, father-daughter, mother-son, husband-wife, sibling-sibling relationship - in my opinion, of course. Only two women know what it's like to give birth to another breathing human, and the maternal instincts that are embedded in their being just butt heads once they have both been through motherhood. Only two women know what it's like trying to be important in a still-male-dominated society. And only two women know what it's like to deal with two other women (the mother's mother and the daughter's daughter), and those two women have another two women, and so on. The shift between being a daughter and being a mother is such a fine line; and for the mother, there really isn't an official area into which she shifts after her daughter becomes a mother and a caretaker for her - so she's at a standstill. 

And if that previous paragraph just made no sense to y'all, now you see why the relationship is so intricate and often times frustrating.

My mom and I have an awesome relationship - she's definitely a parent and a best friend rolled up into one. She's the one who taught me how to pay attention to details, how to be a savvy shopper and dress well, what to feel about myself, where I should be reaching toward - among many other things. We've also definitely had our share of misunderstandings and arguments (more like her yelling at me and thus, I've had my share of hard feelings); even in college, things can be tough over the phone. But even so, I feel that as I get older, I understand where she's coming from more and more everyday. And actually, I think it's harder for a mom to understand where a daughter's coming from, because while the daughter grows into understanding, a mom has to dig back into her memories in her youth.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, I really hope my mom and grandma will just reach a comfortable mutual understanding, and that when the time comes, I'll be able to understand how my mom feels and vice versa. 

On a side note, one of my favorite mother-daughter movies ever is The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. And I was going to upload a short YouTube vid, but I couldn't find a good one. So boo. ha.

lent

Is going to be harder than I thought it would be.

So, I gave up:

- caffeine (coffee, tea, yellow vitamin water)

- coffee (decaf, just in case)

- carbonated drinks

- ice cream

The last one is just killing me. There is ice cream everywhere! 

How I Have Been Tortured by the Omnipresence of Ice Cream

1. Family group - Cami brought Ben & Jerry's. 4 cartons-worth.

2. Family group hangout after potluck - Tiff brought over the remaining cartons and Joe brought mint chocolate chip froyo for Sanders.

3. Japanese restaurant for my brother's birthday party - green tea ice cream(!) for my parents/some kids.

4. Wendy's today after church - Frostys galore.

Why?!

But it's okay. Because I think if it were too easy to give up something, it would have no meaning - for me, personally. My mom chooses not to give up anything cuz she thinks it doesn't really do anything spiritual for you, but it's always been a good time of discipline for me and a constant reminder of why God should be the only thing/one to fill me up :)

home again

10 am - leave Philly

1 pm - arrive at my house

2 pm - practice driving to the restaurant at which my brother's birthday party will take place

4-4:30 pm - 12 twelve/thirteen-year-old guests arrive

4:31 pm - house goes insane

5:30 pm - 3-car caravan arrives at the restaurant

7 pm - back at the house

8:45 pm - cake time

9 pm - movie time

10:15 pm - dance party time? (Big Bang, Wonder Girls, and the like.)

10:54 pm - 7 boys playing Rock Band at full volume downstairs

It's going to be a loooong night.

But it's good to be home :)

my favorite photos

Prague music.

Savannah supper.

City girl.

A closer look in Seoul.

I'll be home for Christmas.

One of the best days of my life.

Being a kid again.

Swing, swing.

Snowball fight night.

Philly in the evening.

and we'll both be...

Safe till St. Patrick's Day?

Every time I try to take a step back, I'm pulled three steps forward.

And I don't even know why.