what a tiny little stye can reveal...

It has been a strange past few days, and I have encountered an issue I never thought I would encounter.

I got a stye on my right eye over the weekend, and as much as I tried to ignore it on Saturday morning, by Saturday evening it was telling me, NO I AM HERE AND I AM GOING TO BOTHER YOU UNTIL YOU PRAY ME AWAY. Or at least, that's what I felt like it was telling me. (._. I'm not crazy, I promise...)

So since then, I have been wearing my thick thick thick (I'm practically blind) black-rimmed glasses and abstaining from eyeliner, which surprisingly has made me more self-conscious than I would have ever expected. It was kind of nice at first to be able to rest my eyes, since my contacts were drying out faster than usual and I could just nap without having to worry about whether I would damage my eyes from falling asleep with my contacts in. But then, my skin started to break out like crazy over the last 36 hours and today I kept feeling like in addition to looking tired, I also looked (currently look) super disheveled and unkempt and...rather un-pretty.

Which is STRANGE, because I tend not to worry about things like this, but man. God is teaching me a lesson at an unexpected (but not unwelcome!) time.

I am reminded that my worth is not determined by outward appearances, that I can still be used even when I am not looking my best — praise God that true beauty is found in faith and character!

1 Peter 3:3-5a: Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful.

Proverbs 31:30: Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

put your money where your mouth is

"You got faith?"
"Yes."
"You believe I am Sovereign?"
"Yes."
"You believe that I love you?"
"Yes."
"Then show me."
"How, Lord?"
"Be still, and know that I am God."

shedding labels

Letting go

and letting God.

impersonating God vs. imitating Christ

I need to be:

1. Set free from emotional+spiritual distractions
2. Humble
3. Much more prayerful
4. Compassionate

None of this is possible just by trying harder, but by grace. Sanctification is 0% up to me and 100% up to God.

And God alone is righteous — no matter how easy it is for me to see things in black&white and feel justified in my convictions, apart from God, I am simply prideful and judgmental. Help me to love like You do. Truth without love is condemnation; truth with love is redemption.

happy birthday, BTAS!

I'll admit that I was a sentimental dork and marked off this date during the summer to remind myself to write a post. THREE YEARS OF BREAKING THE AWKWARD SILENCE! There's just something about this three year anniversary that makes it feel so monumental and worth noting. Perhaps it's because I know I started off this blog as a silly+naive (weren't we all?) freshman and here I am, writing as a big+bad (but mostly good?) senior. So much has happened in the last three years...and honestly, sometimes I cringe when I read super old entries because I can so clearly hear the immaturity of my freshman self aka my pedantic tendencies coming out (you know, with all that wisdom from high school...) I will probably say the same thing in three years about the me writing this entry now, but until then, I will be as immature and pedantic a college senior as I want.

This blog has meant so much to me over the past three years that it seems cheesy to try to describe my sentiments with words. After all, it's seen my cultural/Biblical/linguistic commentary, usually unfinished fiction+partly emo poetry, delirious venting, crazy revelations, musical obsessions, and my own personal work-in-progress story (among many other things). And the really funny thing is, I don't even think the title of the blog is relevant to its content at all anymore...awkward. But anyways, after reflecting on my trajectory as you've seen it on BTAS, I guess I can say two very simple statements:

1. Life moves on.

Many entries on this blog have been the result of in-the-moment thoughts+emotions. This is unsurprising, of course, considering that the nature of blogging is one of instantaneous sharing. But it's just funny to look back at some of the things I've written — my verbal snapshots, so to say — and though yes, a picture is worth a thousand words, a thousand words are worth a thousand words too, and some of these thousands of words have betrayed a lot of in-the-moment confusion, anxiety, heartbrokenness, discouragement, helplessness. And yet others have captured sheer excitement and joy and passion, in all their exclamation points and caps-lock glory. Which helps me to see once again the truth of the statement, this too shall pass. The hours I dreaded with worry, the hours I anticipated with excitement, they have all come to pass. Life is constantly moving forward towards the ultimate end we see in Ephesians 1, so in the meantime, we should be moving too, unencumbered by a particular situation or setback, because life moves on.

2. Life is exciting. (Or rather, Life is exciting!)

Sure, life is exciting because there are always new things to see, do, feel, learn, etc. Even if I go through a pretty routine schedule, no two days will be alike, even if for the sole reason that the weather is different. But the bigger reason why life is so exciting is because every day, whether good or bad, I am one step closer to being the woman God has designed for me to be and one step closer to realizing the plan God has for my life. This blog has been somewhat of a map of all these footprints. And while it's fun to be able to look back at my journey so far, I'm glad that this blog will be around (at least for the next seven months) to record more of it (and all its exciting moments!) in the future. 

I don't know what else to add to this terribly self-indulgent celebration of my blog's existence except maybe say thank you to anyone who has ever taken the time to read all this craziness and sign off with a fun song/music video :)

promises we made, plans we didn't keep

Sorry, flashbacks again.

I get surprised when I realize this place is still so full of you. I walk into a space or I see something in the distance or I read a sign on the street or I hear a particular sound and there you are. Though you aren't.

But don't worry, no need to worry; you'd be relieved to know that these days, I can easily pass things by and not think twice. It's just that every so often, if I bother to strain my ears or count the lights or walk the blocks, I notice. I remember. I want to ask:

When did you leave?
&
Did you see me? In the interlude, when it approached 5 PM or 2 AM, when the balmy air ruffled your hair, when you drank bittersweetness from a mug and doodled on Post-It notes, when your heater roared for a few minutes before abruptly shutting off, when you heard someone harmonizing with the radio — did you see me too?

What did you keep, and what did you throw away?

What did you keep,
and what did you throw away?

Lord help me

Recently, it has been so easy for me to get frustrated and angry and upset about every small little thing that doesn't go my way, especially in the evening hours. I am more willing to be gracious in the morning, but by the time it's gotten late and I'm tired and I still have things I wanted to finish an hour ago...all grace is gone. I want people to not talk loudly or turn up their music on their headphones loudly (because hello, we can actually hear that music loudly if you've turned up the volume to super loud) or chew loudly (pet peeve actually) or even BREATHE loudly...and yes, I know I am being such a hypocrite because there are days when I don't feel like working and I keep talking every 20 minutes and being a major distraction to some people...but AHHHHH I want this assignment to be done and for my fall break to begin!

Okay. Such an unblessing blogpost but hey, I am human too.