the mother-daughter equation

So, my maternal grandmother has been staying with us since Thanksgiving, and things have been pretty much the same, like every biennial/annual visit she makes. She has always been the caretaker of our family in terms of housework, giving my mom the break she needs; she lives in Bangladesh when she's not here, and there, she has a bunch of helpers - maid, cook, chauffeur - so it's like she starts feeling useful when she sets foot in the States.

All this hasn't really been a problem in the past. I mean, she makes amazing food and always has a hug for me whenever I need one. And whenever my mom and I used to get into squabbles (more like my mom would scold me for something like grades or mistakes, etc), she would be the one to step in the middle and try to mediate things. But you know, this past visit has been different from all the other years.

She just can't be the caretaker all the time, especially as she ages. But I think there's just something in her nature and maybe even her pride as a mother/grandmother where she can't let go of doing everything in her power to provide for us, and this is actually creating problems. My mom wants to assume more responsibility and take care of her but my grandmother insists on taking care of her, and this leads to squabbles which I have found myself mediating.

The mother-daughter relationship is just about the most wonderful and yet the most trying one out of all the family relationships, even more so than a father-son, father-daughter, mother-son, husband-wife, sibling-sibling relationship - in my opinion, of course. Only two women know what it's like to give birth to another breathing human, and the maternal instincts that are embedded in their being just butt heads once they have both been through motherhood. Only two women know what it's like trying to be important in a still-male-dominated society. And only two women know what it's like to deal with two other women (the mother's mother and the daughter's daughter), and those two women have another two women, and so on. The shift between being a daughter and being a mother is such a fine line; and for the mother, there really isn't an official area into which she shifts after her daughter becomes a mother and a caretaker for her - so she's at a standstill. 

And if that previous paragraph just made no sense to y'all, now you see why the relationship is so intricate and often times frustrating.

My mom and I have an awesome relationship - she's definitely a parent and a best friend rolled up into one. She's the one who taught me how to pay attention to details, how to be a savvy shopper and dress well, what to feel about myself, where I should be reaching toward - among many other things. We've also definitely had our share of misunderstandings and arguments (more like her yelling at me and thus, I've had my share of hard feelings); even in college, things can be tough over the phone. But even so, I feel that as I get older, I understand where she's coming from more and more everyday. And actually, I think it's harder for a mom to understand where a daughter's coming from, because while the daughter grows into understanding, a mom has to dig back into her memories in her youth.

So, I guess what I'm saying is, I really hope my mom and grandma will just reach a comfortable mutual understanding, and that when the time comes, I'll be able to understand how my mom feels and vice versa. 

On a side note, one of my favorite mother-daughter movies ever is The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. And I was going to upload a short YouTube vid, but I couldn't find a good one. So boo. ha.