you have been the one, you have been the one for me

I don't care what y'all say about his voice, because I know it's a bit too high to be considered normal, but James Blunt's first album is pretty legit stuff. I haven't listened to it in a while, but I was just reminded of it and decided to give it a whirl. I still think "Goodbye My Lover" is one of the most well-written love songs, albeit depressing, out there:

(I can't watch it because of Lent, but you can!)

And more than the singing voice, the lyrics are key key key.

lyrics

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes, I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right,
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart, you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be.

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child,
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

And I still hold your hand in mine,
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

--------

But in other news:

1) I honestly don't know why I come off stronger/more put-together than I actually am. It's not like I deliberately try to be that way...but considering even my Comm TA thinks I've got a good grasp on the material/I know what I'm talking about in class even though I've felt super confused for the second half of the semester, there is a strange disconnect between how I feel about myself and how others perceive me.

2) P. Joe's sermon yesterday was really good —

Reasons why we don't pray:

- Insecurity

- Guilt/shame

- Laziness

All three points really convicted me, how I've been putting up walls between me and God for pretty much no reason, how I've been relying on past experiences/lessons/growth to make up for my lack of action/direct communication right now.

3) Oh yeah, I turned 21 this past Monday! Except, I don't feel like it was a particularly special birthday more than others in the past hahaha, or at least in the way that it's so hyped up, but I was pretty blessed! - especially by people I didn't expect (sounds weird/terrible haha, but it's pretty true too).

4) Picking classes for next semester is such a pain...it gets harder as you get older because you're scrambling to fulfill major requirements and trying to make nice schedules that don't make you take classes on Friday...hm...:P

5) I wish the weather would go back to being warm again!! How can Philadelphia tease us so with two days of beautiful weather and then go back right away to cold (and yet tantalizingly sunny)??

Okay, I think that's all the thoughts I have for now...or at least just the ones I feel like writing out, since I am le tired.

hyperspeed

Let's be real here.

I've been at this place called "college" for about 2.5 years now (almost 3 academic year-wise) and I have built these things called "friendships," some very close and meaningful. But if you really think about it, 2.5 years is a pretty short amount of time. Considering some people have friends from when they were born, or some people have friends here in the Philadelphia area that they've known since middle school...2.5 is like nothing. A blip on the timeline of life.

And yet, why does it feel like I've known certain people for like 10 years? I remember life without these people, 2.5 years ago, pretty clearly, but while those memories seem to be playing in my mind in black-and-white, these people I see day-in and day-out are in bright and poppin' color! And I wonder if it's the nature of college itself (i.e. the fact that we live, eat, study, play, breathe in the lovely Philly air together every single day at every single hour)...or if it's the nature of GCC.

There's just something about the culture of GCC, or...I guess the culture of Christianity/Christian fellowship in general, that makes it so conducive to soul-bearing and sin-sharing (not sharing in sin together, but sharing about our sins and working through them together). Yes, we are strong together in Christ, but more importantly, we're utterly weak together. Asking for prayer requests and receiving prayer, confessing to and rebuking one another, crying and shouting out loud together...I don't know. It's so hard to imagine how I ever went through my weeks without talking to someone (or like 10 someones haha) about my walk or my spiritual struggles because honestly, that's the REAL stuff. That's the nitty gritty stuff that you try to hide from other people or even yourself, so I wonder how I thought my relationships in high school were deep. Granted, common experiences and common friends and sometimes even common visions for the future were all things that linked us together, and to a certain extent, that was definitely enough. I loved/love my high school friends and acquaintances, and God brought those people into my life during that time for a reason.

But man, I don't know. There is something seriously deeper about the friendships I have made and built in college - it's like MAX impact MIN time...it's like...a REALLY sour warhead candy - it's a tiny piece of candy but it hits you with crazy sourness (I know, warheads actually aren't that sour..but imagine a really sour one hahaha) I can hardly imagine what it'll be like to have been friends with someone for 30 years considering for some people, I feel like I know them inside and out already...ONLY after 2.5 years. I find myself saying, "You know how you always," or "Typical. So predictable," or "Knowing you"...and yet, how would I know that they have always been this way or that they think/talk/act a certain way?

[Of course, I will admit that I am the type of person that wants to know everything and anything about you as fast as possible. I don't know why, but I'm not the type to just let things...sit and develop over years and years and years. Maybe it's just my impatient nature, or maybe it's my bare-it-all-and-then-take-it-or-leave-it tendencies, or maybe it's my deep desire for efficiency (yes, I slack unashamedly many times, but I think deep down....I promise! I really like/need efficiency) but I like the feeling of really knowing someone even if it's only been a short while. (Is that...creepy? O.o)]

But once I take a step back from my hyperspeed relationship building ways, it's like...wow. It's honestly only been this short...but what's crazy about the relationships I am building now through the fellowship of Christ is that they will be ETERNAL. So ultimately it doesn't matter whether it's been 2.5 years or 10 years or 20 years because they will be foreeeeeeeeever and eeeeeeeeeever and eeeeeeeeeeever!!!

That's whack!

proverbs 16:9

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.

Thank you, God. You are sovereign! :)

creep creep

So, I don't know how other people do it, but I always just happen to stumble upon blogs. It's not like I follow some trendy tech-savvy site that gives me the latest updates on what are the hottest blogs around, so I just make do with my random clicking around on the Internet.

And I guess one day as I was looking for recipes on green tea cookies or the like back sometime in Winter '09, I stumbled upon the blog milkandhoneycafe.blogspot.com and I really liked the cuteness and straight-forwardness of the blog, not to mention the author is a Korean, Christian female who has a sharp eye for aesthetics. She doesn't update too frequently anymore (I suppose life caught up with her), but through her blogroll, I also came to yvonne-wong.com/blog/, a wedding photography blog that I love catching up with every once in a while. (It seriously brightens up my day sometimes haha)

On a random whim today, I decided to browse through the milk&honey lady's blogroll again and I came to geehaejeong.com/blog/, another wedding photography blog, who I'm guessing is friends with the milk&honey lady (okay, her real name is Sarah, but it just feels weird typing that out, so maybe we'll refer to her as S from now on). She (let's call her G) too is Korean and Christian, and it was when I was reading her post on the Brooke Fraser concert she attended that it hit me that I was a super-creep.

Why am I a super-creep? Because I feel like I know these ladies even though chances are, unless I ever contact either of them for their businesses in the future (S is a baker specializing in cupcakes, G is a wedding/engagement photographer), I will never meet them. It just seems like we have similar interests, similar senses of humor...I could see us being friends in real life (although I suppose we are a few years apart in age). But I honestly think the connection is even stronger because I know that both of them are Christian. It's like we're all part of something bigger that binds us together even though they won't ever find this blog (I think) and even though they both live in far-away-land Canadia. (Well, I guess it's not just "it's like" - more like "it is").

I will admit that sometimes I hesitate to "publicize" my blog (i.e. via social media or letting people know in person). In some ways, it's because I feel like the things I write on here are pretty personal - my random musings, the inside jokes or thoughts, even photos of those I love, I don't like the idea of it being all up and available through Google searches and linked on sites that I have no relations to. (You could say that I am somewhat of an Internet privacy control freak, only in the sense that I am very aware of all my privacy settings on everything.) On the other hand, I think I often hesitate because my entries are blatantly Christian, and I guess I'm afraid that they'll just come off as preachy or too happy-go-lucky instead of just straightforward and sincere — especially to my non-Christian friends from high school. I'm sure if any of them read my blog now, there'd be a lot of "What happened to Sarah?"s...and while that's nothing to be afraid of, (and I suppose I should actually be that much more unabashed to publicize it on Facebook or something), I think I'm just worried it will continue making me unapproachable to the people I used to consider near and dear to my heart. I'm also hesitant to ever mention it in interview settings and the like, just because if the person gets curious enough to ask what the web address is, I don't know if they'd like what they find on here.

Plus, it's not like my blog has a particular theme/attraction to it — I don't share my insights on sports or fashion or baking or politics, but just my thoughts on things occurring in my everyday life and spiritual walk. I'll admit I've had some "awkward" entries where I start off talking about something secular and then it ends up being totally spiritual. (I'll also admit that I've shied away from overtly vulnerable/angsty entries simply because I don't feel like the Internet is the best place to air all your woes and emotional ups&downs...but I guess that has given some the impression that I have everything perfectly in order and that I am a put-together, inaccessible robot or something). Anyway, maybe this is good enough for my friends, especially the safe&enclosed social circle we call GCC, but in the greater interwebz scheme of things, it's nothing too special.

So...I guess the point is, it's encouraging to know that there are sisters like S and G who have these God-given talents and passions who are not only making their names/blogs/products&services known, but they're also making their faith known. And maybe it's fine that I don't make a big deal about my blog, because after all, the only thing I'm offering on here is my random collection of reflections and I am definitely not any sort of voice of authority on anything haha...but I do hope that if the occasion does arise to perhaps evangelize through this blog, or at least make someone think, I won't hesitate to take it.

BTAS has come a long way since its humble (or perhaps not-so-humble, being the noob-er freshman that I was) beginnings in Fall '08 and I can't believe that I am already in the middle of my junior year spring break week writing this...man. While I can think of a handful of instances where it's been clear, it really does make me wonder what kind of impact (if any) this blog has had over the past couple of years. I guess all I can do is just keep writing, even if no one's reading! Because if anything, I can very clearly see God's fingerprints all over my life just by skimming a few of my old entries and recognizing where I am now in relation to me then.

two questions

I've heard sermons on Genesis 3 (or maybe they include Genesis 3 somewhere in the main message) a few times in the past year, not to mention we studied Genesis last year for FG, but today, a new verse caught my attention and it got me thinking (though none of this was part of the sermon today LOL) —

Normally, I've been taken aback every time by verse 9, when God calls out to Adam, "Where are you?" It's not like God doesn't know where Adam is, it's not like God doesn't know what has transpired in the garden. But the fact that He even asks shows this longing for a personal relationship with Adam, one where there is dialogue and genuine care.

But today, verse 11 caught my attention when God asks, "Who told you that you were naked?" Of course, it says in verse 7 that "the eyes of both [Adam and Eve] were opened, and they realized they were naked," so I suppose technically, no one really told them that they were naked straight up. But how were their eyes "opened" to their nakedness? By succumbing to Satan's temptation to eat the forbidden fruit...so you could say that indirectly, it was Satan who told them that they were naked.

In Twelve Extraordinary Women, John MacArthur also points out verse 1, when the serpent asks Eve, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?" I never really read that verse too closely, but every time I read it now, I can just hear an oily, conspiratory voice (yes, voices can be oily...) saying, "Did God really say...?"

These two questions are so interestingly parallel to one another. In one question, Satan is questioning God's authority; in the other question, God is questioning...well...anyone else's authority apart from His. And it's interesting how this dichotomy plays out in our own lives because though we acknowledge that God is all-mighty and all-knowing and all-loving, we're more prone to tune into Satan's question. Though we say that we earnestly believe that God's promises are real and true and the only ones that will NEVER be broken, we get trapped into contemplating Satan's question over and over again. Though we want to profess that God's relationship with us individually is personal and intimate, we begin to question...all because of Satan's question.

Did God really say that He would never leave you nor forsake you?

Did God really say that He had plans to prosper you and not to harm you?

Did God really say that He would utterly amaze you, that He would do something in your days that you would not believe?

Sometimes we sit around and we legitimately think these questions through — Did God really say those things? Or did He say that only if we were good and learned all the right things to say and do, He would be with us and empower us? Did He say that His plans were the right ones for us...except we would have to be completely miserable because we would have to give up on our perfectly-crafted dreams? Did He say that only other people would be able to see His glory, but not us, because we're not holy or special enough?

But God stops us and says, "Who told you that?"

Who told you that you were worthless?

Who told you that you were unloved?

Who told you that you were beyond repair and reconciliation?

Who would dare question MY authority and pervert your eyes, heart, and mind into perceiving and believing those lies?

Of course, the answer is - as it has been since the time of Adam and Eve - Satan.

P. Young is always telling us how "spiritual warfare is real" but to be honest, up until quite recently, I never quite understood what he meant. I guess I understood at a church-wide level, that Satan is always trying to quash the growth of a church, of Christianity in general. But the force of an individual-level attack is super-real too, and when we let our guards down, the impact is huge. It's really scary...but there is no fear in love.

God's love ultimately protects us from the eternal repercussions of Satan's attacks - for God so loved the world! When God asks in Gen 3:11, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?", He knows the answer; He knows what's coming next, and He knows what He must do to save us. Of course, He didn't have to, but He loved us that much. And with the question of, "Who told you?", He's asking us to remember who's trying to separate us from that love — even though he'll ultimately fail.