dawns, donuts, dads, determination

To my dearest girlies who wake up at 6 am everyday because they've got the Circadian rhythms of a 60-year-old (you know who you are):

I'm sure you'd be proud of me today because I woke up at 5:10 am to head to morning prayer with my parents. They're having like a special new year's series or whatever at my family's church, so we'll be there from 5:30-6:30am every day this week. I was so surprised at myself - I was this close to not getting up...I set my alarm for 5:00 am, woke up, turned it off, and sat in bed, deliberating whether or not my mom's joke that Dunkin Donuts afterwards should be an incentive of sorts. But my brain wouldn't turn back off again to let me sleep more, so I decided to get up and go.

But you know, I'm really glad I went. Though I'm starting to feel tired all over again (and I even told my mom I wouldn't go back to sleep afterwards sighs), it was a good morning of prayer, and we even had a short message on Jonah 1. I was reminded of Pastor Barry's sermon series on Jonah and I kept hearing his voice in the back of my head (LOL) but as usual, the pastor here (or I guess God through him) gave my family and me some new insights to carry home.

And it was a momentous occasion, because when we got home with Dunkin Donuts in hand (:D) I got to listen to my dad (and mom) give me an account of their past 10-12 or so years and hear how God's hand has been in every situation - bleak and painful, joyous and gracious - to lead our family to where it is now. The world is a scary, scary place filled with lots and lots and LOTS of bad, bad people - that's one thing that really broke my heart. But another more important thing was, whatever amount I think I've had to wait and be tested and struggle through is wholly insignificant compared to that of my parents.

So, I guess I've once again gained a little bit more momentum to face things head on. I've no time to sit around and be too timid and unconfident of myself and of God's supernatural powers in my life. I've heard before that once you go through the summer after your senior year of high school, it's really a marathon from there on out until you retire...and you know, with my complete lack of street smarts and an experiences&hardships-ful life, it's kind of scary. I keep finding myself wondering if I'll ever pen that multi-million dollar book and not let my parents worry about my financial future (and then I wouldn't have to take the LSATs LOL), or if I should give up on applying to certain internships to save myself from insecurity about my resume or from tests where I would have to prove and promote myself - but you know, that's really just the "Tarshish illusion," the false idea that there must be an easier way and a better place than the one God is pushing me towards.

And as much as it might hurt me sometimes, I really, really have to let some things go and really say "Let Your will be done" instead of secretly hoping He will let things be easier or different, or moreover, that He'll make things turn out the way I want them to. But the Tarshish illusion is indeed merely an illusion - being with God and doing His will are the things that will redeem me and make me stronger and more joyful.

I hope that my heart is ready to be broken by this world and for this world - after all, He's the one who's going to put it back together to beat harder and stronger than it did before.