But I've come to this standstill where I feel like words have recently done me more harm than good. Words have betrayed and hurt me, and I'm left here, heartbroken, because I can't figure out when I fell out of their good grace. Maybe it's because I abused them first - I used too many, I didn't control what words I said, in fact, I didn't think about what words I said, I just said them, knowing that they had the power to explain, to move, to heal, to inspire. But I guess I forgot that they also confuse and hide and hurt and get you in a whole lot of trouble.
Words can amount to nothing. Don't actions speak louder than words?
How can words simultaneously hold so much weight and yet be weightless? Why do we talk as if words dissipate into the air the way cotton candy disappears on your tongue, and write as if words make marks on history the way meteorite fragments dent the earth for good? You see what I did there? I could have just said, "why do we carelessly talk and deliberately write?" But why did I fluff it up with imagery and metaphors?
Because I'm just a skeleton with clothes on. I'm good at presenting myself, but there's no substance. I can use all the fancy language I want, all the jargon that's necessary to sound knowledgeable, but the truth of the matter is, if I don't have a point, it's nothing. I'm nothing. And frequently, I just talk and talk and write and write, and it's hard to remember if I even had a point to begin with.
So, you say, establish a point. Think it through, flesh it out. You'll be fine. But not only am I a skeleton of a writer, I feel like just a skeleton of a person. A person who has lived her whole life trying to give the right answers and please the right people, a person who has taken what has been taught to her as absolute truth and never raised any questions. I really hate that I feel like I have no opinions on anything of substance. I hate that I feel ignorant in every way possible, that I don't dig deeper. I'm an overthinker with no point. And by the time I actually get to a point, I've already said too many words that I can't take back or reorganize.
It surprises me that throughout my whole life, people have said that I'm a good writer, a good communicator. When I ask people, well, what am I good at? What am I passionate about? They say, writing. When I muse what I should do in life, they suggest that I become an international journalist or something writing-related. I'm so surprised because time and time again, they're proven wrong by the experts, by people who dare to criticize my writing and cut it down, because they're qualified to do so. So, whose opinions do I go with?
Maybe this is a reality check - a chance to humble myself. Even if no one visits this blog or really reads anything that I write, I'll still keep writing. Even if I have to start my education all over again and learn how to write topic sentences and add 2-3 supporting sentences for each paragraph, I'll still keep writing. Even if the words I write are considered ignorant or stupid, I'll still keep writing. And even if words do confuse and hide and hurt and get me into trouble, I'll still keep writing. But that just means I have to swallow my pride first and accept that maybe I'm just not as good as I've always hoped I was. After all, my dad tested my perseverance as a writer when I was in high school by asking if I'd be okay with my book ending up in a Borders sale bin rather than the top 10 bookcase. And back then, I said no. But perhaps, if I am truly to decide and declare that I love writing, I need to say yes.
Yet before I jump into this pool of optimism and self-motivation, I need to be honest about my status and my identity as a writer.
And I'm really unsure of where either lies.
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3 comments:
Keep writing from the heart Sarah and keep your chin up :)
You are not nothing. You have substance. And, many people read your blog, you just don't know it.
as depressing as the tone of this post is, i'm happy to see that you've at least committed in words to be real with yourself.
because of our pride and thereby how much the truth hurts, most of us are in denial and continue to subconsciously and willingly turn a blind eye to our shortcomings. we persistently pretend that we are the infallible people that we trick ourselves into believing. but only a few have the humility, wisdom, and courage to touch base with reality, to break ourselves free from the detrimental chains of blind unwarranted pride, and to take that necessary first step of simply acknowledging that we even have weaknesses, so that we can address and get rid of them to begin with. i think that's the foundation for self-improvement and growth.
also it's better to do that now with more time to improve than later well into your career when you're already pumping out articles.
let's continue to be humble so that we can apply that above, to become better people for even greater good works; and what more effective way to be humble is there than to continue to discipline ourselves to be subjected under God's majesty.
also, i find that studying for the lsat can greatly improve your reasoning skills :) i would highly recommend it for everyone, especially those who want to write non-fiction for a living.
self-denial and faith under God's Love and Grace are followed by humility, wisdom, love and courage, which are furthermore followed by self-examination, thus growth, and most importantly persistence!
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