the truth?

I'm quite unhappy these days.

Frustration, confusion, jealousy, disappointment, tiredness, faithlessness.

I'm questioning the simple truths. And being hit with harsh realities.

And listening to Ingrid:

Heartache, identity crisis, unfairness, loneliness, soy náufrago.

But there should be hope somewhere. Right? That over-repeated verse - about His plan to prosper, our hope and future in Him - it's supposed to comfort, right?

The problem is that I know these words of advice very well - I've heard it all before. But to believe and rejoice in them is quite a different challenge.

There is no one else for me, none but Jesus.

He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" (Mark 4:40)

on repeat

The same slew of questions resonates in my mind whenever I have a spare moment to think:

Who am I?

What do I like?

What am I passionate about?

What am I good at?

Where am I going?

When will I feel convicted?

What can I offer?

How can I serve?

How can I become ready?

What am I interested in?

Who am I?

gogogogo

I need to take ahold of my life this semester.

This doesn't mean I'm doing this alone - I know He's with me every step of the way.

But yeah.

I need to get my act together.

GOGOGOGOGOGO.

two roads

Is this a call to stay and fight?

Or a call to acknowledge and let go?

winter

View from my window

Icy weather

No rest for the weary

Splendor in the City

Time to go home to Philly

old testament blips

So...I've decided to read the Bible from cover to cover this year, since I've never done it before, (and our family decided to do it together this year! But...on New Year's Day next year, if one of us hasn't finished, the punishment is to go outside to our backyard, dance a funky dance, be recorded on video, and have it posted on Youtube and/or Facebook. So...yeah.)

Anyway, as I've been reading through Genesis, I've picked up on a couple of verses I would have normally looked over or taken for face value and thought some random thoughts:

For example:

- Why is it that God said He would flood the earth for 40 days and 40 nights (Genesis 7:4) but He ended up letting it flood for 150 days instead (Genesis 7:24)? And then in the following verse, Genesis 8:1, it says, "But God remembered Noah"...as if He temporarily forgot? LOL

- Why is it that the "universal" symbol for gay pride is the rainbow, when the rainbow is supposed to remind us of the covenant God made with Noah and the earth? (Genesis 9:16)

- Why do we call people "nimrods" if they're being retarded (I mean yeah, it's old-fashioned, but "nimrod" in general has a negative connotation) when Nimrod in the Bible is a man "who grew to be a mighty warrior on the earth...a mighty hunter before the LORD" (Genesis 10:8-9)? Sad.

The things you pick up when you actually read carefully! 0_o

dawns, donuts, dads, determination

To my dearest girlies who wake up at 6 am everyday because they've got the Circadian rhythms of a 60-year-old (you know who you are):

I'm sure you'd be proud of me today because I woke up at 5:10 am to head to morning prayer with my parents. They're having like a special new year's series or whatever at my family's church, so we'll be there from 5:30-6:30am every day this week. I was so surprised at myself - I was this close to not getting up...I set my alarm for 5:00 am, woke up, turned it off, and sat in bed, deliberating whether or not my mom's joke that Dunkin Donuts afterwards should be an incentive of sorts. But my brain wouldn't turn back off again to let me sleep more, so I decided to get up and go.

But you know, I'm really glad I went. Though I'm starting to feel tired all over again (and I even told my mom I wouldn't go back to sleep afterwards sighs), it was a good morning of prayer, and we even had a short message on Jonah 1. I was reminded of Pastor Barry's sermon series on Jonah and I kept hearing his voice in the back of my head (LOL) but as usual, the pastor here (or I guess God through him) gave my family and me some new insights to carry home.

And it was a momentous occasion, because when we got home with Dunkin Donuts in hand (:D) I got to listen to my dad (and mom) give me an account of their past 10-12 or so years and hear how God's hand has been in every situation - bleak and painful, joyous and gracious - to lead our family to where it is now. The world is a scary, scary place filled with lots and lots and LOTS of bad, bad people - that's one thing that really broke my heart. But another more important thing was, whatever amount I think I've had to wait and be tested and struggle through is wholly insignificant compared to that of my parents.

So, I guess I've once again gained a little bit more momentum to face things head on. I've no time to sit around and be too timid and unconfident of myself and of God's supernatural powers in my life. I've heard before that once you go through the summer after your senior year of high school, it's really a marathon from there on out until you retire...and you know, with my complete lack of street smarts and an experiences&hardships-ful life, it's kind of scary. I keep finding myself wondering if I'll ever pen that multi-million dollar book and not let my parents worry about my financial future (and then I wouldn't have to take the LSATs LOL), or if I should give up on applying to certain internships to save myself from insecurity about my resume or from tests where I would have to prove and promote myself - but you know, that's really just the "Tarshish illusion," the false idea that there must be an easier way and a better place than the one God is pushing me towards.

And as much as it might hurt me sometimes, I really, really have to let some things go and really say "Let Your will be done" instead of secretly hoping He will let things be easier or different, or moreover, that He'll make things turn out the way I want them to. But the Tarshish illusion is indeed merely an illusion - being with God and doing His will are the things that will redeem me and make me stronger and more joyful.

I hope that my heart is ready to be broken by this world and for this world - after all, He's the one who's going to put it back together to beat harder and stronger than it did before.

if i were to get married...

...my mom would want the pastor we have at our church here in Jersey now to preside over my ceremony. LOL

But in all seriousness, (though I think she is a bit serious about it @_@), I've really enjoyed going to Sunday services with my family at our new church. The head Korean pastor is one of my dad's high school colleagues, and he's pretty much the smiley-est pastor I've ever met in my life. He always greets the congregation with, "사랑합니다!", which means "I love you!" And then the congregation is supposed to repeat that back to him - and as awkward as it is for me to experience this exchange every Sunday, I think it suits him, haha. His sermons are very Word-based, and even though we've had some sermons on passages I've definitely heard in other sermons throughout my life (Ephesians 5:15-16, anyone?), I feel like I've been able to gain something new each time. He reads into things and analyzes them in ways I wouldn't have thought to consider before. So, even though things have usually been tough spiritually at home, I've been able to gain more insight and strength through his sermons.

Today's sermon (the first sermon of the new year) was on Psalm 1 - he broke down the first three verses carefully in order to show us how to live as a blessed person - I'd share, but it'll take forever, so just ask me in person if you would like the full analysis LOL, BUT the one thing that stuck out to my family and me was his point about verse 3: it says that "[a blessed man] is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."

This isn't just another random nature-y metaphor that's like, ah, being led to green pastures and still waters. This is legitimately how our life with God is: we follow His ebb and flow - He is the water, we are the tree. As long as we are rooted next to Him, we will live, prospering and bearing fruit when the time is right. And moreover, He is a river, meaning we have like the ultimate source to fresh water as a tree - it's not like we're struggling to get what we can out of the ground, waiting for unpredictable rain.

It's been a pretty rough time for me at home this winter break, but just little reminders like this have helped me to realize time and time again that He's in control and we work on His time, not ours...no matter how much we try to control and make things stable on our own.

I'm really glad my family has found a good church here :)

And the reason (besides all the above) for my mom wanting him to do my wedding ceremony?

Apparently he's like super awesome to his wife, so she's hoping my future husband and I will get the same kind of marital blessings. LOL. AH. MOM, I'M ONLY TWENTY YEARS OLD!

how has your break been?

I eat to forget.

And sleep to run away.

falling and waiting

Hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy.

I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry.

So I wait for You.

So I wait for You.

I'm falling on my knees

Offering all of me.

Jesus, You're all this heart is living for.

Broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide.

I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life.

So I wait for You.

So I wait for You.

I'm falling on my knees

Offering all of me.

Jesus, You're all this heart is living for.