eeeeee!

^ a la my darling Ms. Young :)

Happy happy joy joy! So, the love of my life (aka Mr. Zhang's girlfriend) got me a "Book of Happy" for my birthday, so I could write down things that make me happy or just happy things in general. I unfortunately found the notebook so cute already that I haven't ventured to fill it with my ugly handwriting LOL but I wanted to share 5 things here that are happy-fying things! So:

1. Sometimes, when I'm walking in the city with my iPod on and I'm listening to upbeat songs...I just feel like breaking out in dance and I can hardly contain myself as the most that I can do is just tap my feet and bob my head every once in a while. But I really wish sometimes my life were a movie (okay not really, I like my privacy kthx) JUST SO I can have music play in the background whenever I wanted and I could just break out into song/dance if I felt like it and it would be absolutely positively normal. For now, coming back to the privacy of my room, blasting music, and singing&dancing will have to do.

2. I LOVE YELLOW. I don't know if you've noticed, (it's 99.9% likely you have), I LOVE YELLOW. Yesterday, wearing a yellow dress to work put me in a really good mood. And on the way home, I saw yellow roses outside the Foggy Bottom metro station. And my bed is yellow! And I love my bed :) So yay!

2.5. I'm sure everyone has heard this by now, but it's such a cute song, I couldn't resist:

3. I think I've found something that I really want to do starting in the fall! (I'm pretty sure, but not 200% sure, so until then, you can just ask me personally about it haha) But basically, I think I've found an opportunity to volunteer and actually see a tangible impact on people's lives. When it comes to volunteering, I think it's always been a nice idea, and something I whole-heartedly wish I could do, but I just hadn't found the right niche/cause yet. But after visiting the DC branch today, I think this might be it! So, please pray for me, that I would relentlessly pursue it as I work out my various time commitments for this upcoming year, because I don't want to lose this kind of motivation come the school year! I always seem to look forward to the school year/a new semester with all these plans, and then I pursue them for a bit, but if things get difficult to work out time-wise or I just lose interest, the plans fall through, and I lose precious time! And time is a very, very important commodity.

4. I am a freaking nerd, and I'm not ashamed of it! I actually wish I were a little bit nerdier simply because I wish I had the motivation/concentration to read like 5 books a week LOL but anyway, I've been plowing through a book that my dad bought me called "A History of American Law" by Lawrence Friedman. It's about 568? pages chronicling exactly what it says - the history of American law - starting from the colonial period (when obvs the notion of "American" law wasn't really developed yet) up till fairly modern times. And while to some, it might sound like a snoozefest, it's actually REALLY INTERESTING. And if I could, I would love to just sit down and read it for like 5 hours straight. I'm about 1/6 through right now, but I can't wait to reach the end and get the full comprehensive view! But yeah, I am a nerd.

5. I LOVE hearing about what other people are passionate about - it makes me really happy to hear people go on and on about something in depth, whether it's early modern European history or basketball or life with Christ, as long as they are clearly animated and in love with what they're talking about, it's such an energizer! There is something impressive about depth, rather than breadth - though I marvel at the fact that my dad seems to know everything about everything, it's more that I marvel at the fact that he knows a lot about everything LOL I don't really like talking points or small talk probably for this reason - I like hearing about deep things, things that have required a lot of interest and study and thinking for that person to come to really enjoy. Of course, I have always been more about breadth in the name of "well-roundedness," so perhaps I am a hippo(crit), but I really hope I can be a depth kind of person to others soon! :)

do-over

I'd learn how to follow real football - not American.

I'd enjoy more time outdoors, maybe I'd actually go running.

I'd be less insecure at the beginning and be more confident in His justification.

I'd be more patient and more gentle with my words.

I'd read more and discuss more sophisticated things; I'd even engage more in the subjects I'm unfamiliar with.

I'd be more understanding of how important motivation, determination, competition, self-realization were.

I'd cry less and laugh more.

I'd stop asking for proof and appreciate the smaller things.

I'd eat those tarantula gummies...maybe.

I'd never walk away, I'd keep persevering in the truth.

But most of all, I'd expect less and just trust more.

the book of joy

I've been reading through Philippians recently, which I meant to start at the beginning of summer, but alas, life happens. It's interesting because it is so aptly referred to as "the book of joy" but honestly, it's not a very happy book. It's not saying to be happy because life is always awesome and everything is so carefree; it's saying to have joy because the Word of the Lord, the love of the God, the salvation given by grace is our strength to endure hardship and persecution. And the general doom and gloom of this earth.

Now, I, in the little bubble of my parents' care and the various opportunities allotted to my socioeconomic status, I have never had to endure persecution. I have been stressed out of my mind, hurt so deeply that I lost sight of what was important in life, but even those causes are nothing compared to the real suffering of millions, billions around the world. Even here in the U.S., unemployment plagues hard-working families, natural disasters devastate homes, and an overwhelming depression infests the hundreds of people I see pass by me on the metro or on the streets. Every generation asks: what has the world come to? But some consider right now by far the worst state of humanity in its existence. If we can't trust our government, we can't trust our physicians, we can't even trust ourselves, let alone those we consider close to us, how do we have any will to keep living in this imperfect world?

Well, not to be all Sunday school-esque, but the answer is Jesus, says Philippians.

Pessimism is not an option. Righteousness comes from faith alone. The last shall be first and the first shall be last. Pride is useless, worldly possessions are useless, earthly confidence is useless. All rubbish, Paul says.

The fountain of our joy is Jesus! Our security rests in Jesus! The ultimate perfection of our faith is Jesus!

Honestly, because I studied this book in FG last summer, reading through feels a little too familiar to me. I feel like I'm reading words I already know and rethinking insights/lessons that I've already gained. And I mean, Paul repeats himself over and over again. Nevertheless, this book won't let me be. This book is SHOUTING at me, saying, Sarah. Can't you see? All of this is so temporary. The real deal - beyond all your anxieties and insecurities and hurts - the real deal is Jesus. And the joy you were so desperately looking for at the beginning of this summer? It's been here all along. Right here, in this book, in this Savior who came down, became obedient to death and bore the burden of your sins, and then rose again to the highest place next to your Father, who loves you.

It's seriously SHOUTING at me:

Sarah.

BE JOYFUL!

WHAT IS THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS COMPARED TO THE RACE TOWARDS THE JOY and LOVE and WHOLENESS FOUND IN CHRIST JESUS?

And you know, with that, this short little book of only 4 chapters makes me feel so small and so big at the same time. I cannot boast, but I cannot complain. I can do all things through Him, but God does His work in me.

The perfect song lyrics that always come to mind are: "All of my life, in every season, you are still God. I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship. I will bring praise, I will bring praise, no weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice, I will declare, God is my victory and He is here."

All glory and honor and praise to Him, who is worthy of such things.

supremely awesome

As you may or may not know, I get Fridays off, so on my free Friday, I visited the Supreme Court today!

I don't look that small compared to the court, but I felt really small

It is seriously a beautiful building, but it was constructed in just 1935, although the Supreme Court was around for 146 years before that. (In its way early days, it used to convene in Independence Hall/City Hall in Philly :P) The marble is SUPER white and reflects mad sunlight to the point where I was blinded when I walked out of the building at the end of my tour. I really liked what (I think it was) Chief Justice Roberts said in the little C-SPAN-created visitors' video, how the building looks so grand and majestic as if to remind the justices what an important duty they have to the U.S.

The motto of "Equal Justice Under Law" is written majestically across the front of the building - it looks like super legit when you see it written in marble LOL That's what I like about the judicial branch of the U.S. - it's not quite as wrapped up in partisanship and moneys as much as the other two branches are. Of course, you can argue that there's definitely more "liberal" courts vs. more "conservative" courts, that the ruling in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission was in favor of perpetuating corrupted, money-driven campaigning politics, but in general, I admire that it always gets down to what the law of the land says.

The view of the Capitol from the top of the steps of the Supreme Court.

For some reason, I don't know if I'd be able to join Congress, like as a Senator or a Rep, just because right now, I don't have a strong political leaning towards either party. And, I'd have to engage in multiple "popularity contests" in order to even get recognized in a certain state and win over constituents...I was never good at that in high school...sighs.

It was rather chilly in this hallway leading to the Courtroom entrance, haha, but I just kept wondering what it would be like to walk around in this building day in and day out, wearing long black robes and whatnot. It would be AWESOME.

They didn't let us take pictures inside the Courtroom, so this was the closest photo I got - the Chief Justice sits directly underneath that clock in the background, with the rest being filled by seniority on the court. Solicitor General/SCOTUS nominee Elena Kagan would sit on the last chair on the far right, which you see right next to the big obstructive pillar on the right.

One thing I realized was that since you have to serve on the Supreme Court for LIFE (or at least until you retire when difficult circumstances arise or when you're just super duper old, like retired Justice Stevens, who's like 90 I believe), it makes sense to join when you're not that young. Granted, you have to get nominated first, and before you get nominated, you should probably show a lot of rigor and wisdom and talent etc etc etc, which requires a lot of life experiences, so it's not like you could just breeze into becoming a justice, but still...it'd take up more than half your life if you got nominated super early, so if you did have a choice...

To my GREAT delight, I saw a LOT of turtle memorabilia in the gift shop! And although I did not purchase any, (I got a super cool pencil instead - I have a picture on my phone haha), it still made me happy to see little turtles everywhere. I came home and I googled why turtles are important to SCOTUS, and it turns out that it's because turtles represent longevity (life terms) and the slow yet deliberate pace of justice, so the architect chose to include them in his designs. I always thought that my love for turtles stemmed from my slow pace of eating or something, but I guess now I know that it links to a passion & appreciation for justice! Good deals.

Anyways, even though I spent a mere 2 hours touring (since I had other errands to run and things to get done), it was a very well-spent 2 hours and I REALLY would love to come hear an oral argument in the future (they're out of session right now; they start up again on the first Monday of October, which this year, is the 75th anniversary of the building!) So...perhaps I will make a field trip sometime during this academic year? Who wants to come with? :)

what's wrong with being an overachiever?

Like most people, when I think of the word, "overachiever," I think immediately of the suckity-uppity kids who sit in the front row of various classes, ask questions every 5 minutes - even the totally pointless and annoying ones - and sometimes try to make the teacher look bad by catching them in petty "mistakes", look for the professor and TA before and after class, read every word of every assigned reading, and ace all the exams and papers. And somehow, they do the same for every class they take and their transcripts are shining sheets devoid of any curvy letters (unless they took Pass/Fail classes).

I think of people who try to become the president or at least a board member of every one of their 4-5 clubs, read 5 different newspapers cover-to-cover at 6am, find time to work out everyday, and know how to make Rachel Ray's 30-minute-meals in 20 minutes (it's impossible, I tell you!)

Now, looking through that list of potential qualifications...why is it that none of them sound particularly negative? Oh wait, that's because they aren't.

But somehow, the word "overachiever" has a negative tinge to it - it must mean that they have no life or worse, no friends, or they unknowingly or knowingly make other people look bad/feel bad, they think that they're all that and too good for the rest of us, they're stretching themselves too thin and they're crazy control freaks, or worst of all...they must think they don't. need. God. (!!! *whisper* no. way.)

But wait.

It's true that some people who are considered overachievers don't make space for God to work, for God to be in control and be sovereign in their lives. They calculate every hour spent to the minute, worrying that if they loosen their grip by even 1 g*m/s^2, everything will slip out of their hands and they will be left in ruins, all their hard work turned to dust. But I believe that it is possible for others to trust God and lean not on their own understanding (or capabilities) while still achieving the best they can.

Because, by whose standards are they overachieving? Perhaps they have simply been entrusted with more talents according to their abilities. Let's look at Matthew 25:14-21:

14"Again, it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants and entrusted his property to them. 15 To one he gave five talents of money, to another two talents, and to another one talent, each according to his ability. Then he went on his journey. 16 The man who had received the five talents went at once and put his money to work and gained five more. 17 So also, the one with the two talents gained two more. 18 But the man who had received the one talent went off, dug a hole in the ground and hid his master's money.
19 "After a long time the master of those servants returned and settled accounts with them. 20 The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more.'
21 "His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

Now, I've always focused on verse 21 - the idea that if we are faithful to the few responsibilities we have right now, God will continue to bless us with more opportunities to be faithful and do His work on this earth, and if we continue to be faithful with those few things, we will ultimately share in the riches of His kingdom in heaven. It's a lesson of the big "O" - obedience - but still sounds awesome, right? But what caught my eye this time was verse 15, where it says that each man was allotted a certain number of talents according to his ability. I mean, on the surface, it sounds really unfair. It's like God created us or blessed us unequally or something. God trusts this guy more than the other guy, etc. etc.

Now, if this verse were truly to go with the whole overachieving thing, maybe the guy with 5 talents could have come back with 10. But since it says 5, we can look at it from this perspective: it's possible that the guy with the 2 talents could have looked at the 5 talents guy and been like, wow. That guy started off with 5 and gained 5 more. I only started off with 2 and I was only able to bring back 2 more. Guy 1, 10. Me, 4. That's like twice as many as mine. What the heck, he's such an overachiever. And of course, when the guy with 1 talent gets hardcore rebuked and his talent is given to guy 1, it's like dang. He has 11 now. That's almost three times as much as I have! What the heck! He just keeps getting rewarded!

But let's look at what the 2nd guy actually said and how the owner reacts:

22 "The man with the two talents also came. 'Master,' he said, 'you entrusted me with two talents; see, I have gained two more.'
23 "His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!'

Does verse 23 look familiar? Yeah, that's prob because it's a repeat of verse 21, exactly how the owner reacted to the 1st guy.

So what does that mean? It means that it doesn't matter how much you start off with (talents) or how much you end up with (moneys, among other things). We need to stop looking at what other people have or what they've done, who their well-connected parents are and where they're going. And this is hard, because in a competitive academic/work setting, where you're constantly measured against the people around you, you can't help but keep looking side to side and evaluating how much you're worth based on how much others say they're worth.

But ultimately, it's really our own efforts that count. Bringing it back to obedience. And it really isn't bad to adopt an overachieving spirit that always pushes to do more and be more - not so that we can feel secure in our own abilities and accomplishments or so that we can have reason to boast and feel important and admired by people, but so that ultimately we can return the glory back to God. Because we know that our lives aren't ours to keep, but we know that we are merely stewards of this body, this space. And we have a desire to finally stand before Him and hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant! Come and share your master's happiness!"

I've been feeling like an underachiever in this past year (June '09 to June '10), and I've been bemoaning the lack of genius genes, networking skillz, and most of all, a glaringly clear sense of direction in life. But I understand that more than that, I've just been fearing the amount of commitment and obedience it'll take to give my all despite all those insecurities. So that fear ends today, and whether I am the 5-talent person or the 2-talent person, I know that for sure I don't want to be the 1-talent person, too afraid to go out in faith and too insecure to keep my eyes only on God.

words, just words

For as long as I can remember, words have been my friends. They've introduced me to the knowledge of this world through books and the speech of others, to my own creativity and identity through writing. I've just been in love ever since I knew what words were, and the power and joy they held. Reading the Bible this year has affirmed that over and over - that seeing the word of God printed on sheet after sheet is just so precious - and I'm not sure how I lived without it for most of my life.

But I've come to this standstill where I feel like words have recently done me more harm than good. Words have betrayed and hurt me, and I'm left here, heartbroken, because I can't figure out when I fell out of their good grace. Maybe it's because I abused them first - I used too many, I didn't control what words I said, in fact, I didn't think about what words I said, I just said them, knowing that they had the power to explain, to move, to heal, to inspire. But I guess I forgot that they also confuse and hide and hurt and get you in a whole lot of trouble.

Words can amount to nothing. Don't actions speak louder than words?

How can words simultaneously hold so much weight and yet be weightless? Why do we talk as if words dissipate into the air the way cotton candy disappears on your tongue, and write as if words make marks on history the way meteorite fragments dent the earth for good? You see what I did there? I could have just said, "why do we carelessly talk and deliberately write?" But why did I fluff it up with imagery and metaphors?

Because I'm just a skeleton with clothes on. I'm good at presenting myself, but there's no substance. I can use all the fancy language I want, all the jargon that's necessary to sound knowledgeable, but the truth of the matter is, if I don't have a point, it's nothing. I'm nothing. And frequently, I just talk and talk and write and write, and it's hard to remember if I even had a point to begin with.

So, you say, establish a point. Think it through, flesh it out. You'll be fine. But not only am I a skeleton of a writer, I feel like just a skeleton of a person. A person who has lived her whole life trying to give the right answers and please the right people, a person who has taken what has been taught to her as absolute truth and never raised any questions. I really hate that I feel like I have no opinions on anything of substance. I hate that I feel ignorant in every way possible, that I don't dig deeper. I'm an overthinker with no point. And by the time I actually get to a point, I've already said too many words that I can't take back or reorganize.

It surprises me that throughout my whole life, people have said that I'm a good writer, a good communicator. When I ask people, well, what am I good at? What am I passionate about? They say, writing. When I muse what I should do in life, they suggest that I become an international journalist or something writing-related. I'm so surprised because time and time again, they're proven wrong by the experts, by people who dare to criticize my writing and cut it down, because they're qualified to do so. So, whose opinions do I go with?

Maybe this is a reality check - a chance to humble myself. Even if no one visits this blog or really reads anything that I write, I'll still keep writing. Even if I have to start my education all over again and learn how to write topic sentences and add 2-3 supporting sentences for each paragraph, I'll still keep writing. Even if the words I write are considered ignorant or stupid, I'll still keep writing. And even if words do confuse and hide and hurt and get me into trouble, I'll still keep writing. But that just means I have to swallow my pride first and accept that maybe I'm just not as good as I've always hoped I was. After all, my dad tested my perseverance as a writer when I was in high school by asking if I'd be okay with my book ending up in a Borders sale bin rather than the top 10 bookcase. And back then, I said no. But perhaps, if I am truly to decide and declare that I love writing, I need to say yes.

Yet before I jump into this pool of optimism and self-motivation, I need to be honest about my status and my identity as a writer.

And I'm really unsure of where either lies.

to all the ladies out there:

You.

are.

beautiful.

You are intelligent, sweet, funny, talented, and lovable.

But most of all, you are beautiful - fearfully and wonderfully made by God Himself.

So PLEASE, stop counting those calories. Stop calling yourselves fat. Stop making excuses to skip meals or eat next-to-nothing at meals.

Call me insensitive, call me unsympathetic, but I am just angry. I'm really angry and fed up.

I'm so tired of girls afraid to eat what they really want to eat, or avoiding eating when they're supposed to. Maybe guys will look favorably upon you now, while we're still young and naive - maybe some will think you're unique or lady-like for not eating a lot. But when you get married, that's going to be a pain in the butt to have to deal with a wife who just doesn't eat or take care of herself, much less someone who thinks poorly of her self-image. Can you imagine trying to take a girl out to a nice restaurant for a date, only to have her end up eating nothing that you order?

It's important to be healthy, to know when you're eating food that is bad for you or when you're eating in excess, but there's a line between healthy regulation and obsessive control. Having food to eat is such a blessing, so why do so many girls abuse it?

I've done the research, I've heard it all - everything from "genetic disposition" to media standard influences to peer pressure to depression - but honestly? At the end of the day, if you truly believe in the love of Christ and the power of His name, you should also believe that you can get over any of these insecurities. Having an unhealthy relationship with food ruins the temple (your body) in which Christ rests. Period.

He loves you. Your community loves you. I love you.

You. are. BEAUTIFUL!

lessons from philly: home

Upon hearing that our old family group leader Ahrim was to be in Philly from Saturday until Tuesday, my summer roommate (Lily) and I decided to make a "surprise" trip this weekend. I was moreover pushed by the fact that my dear friend Christine's birthday is coming up on Tuesday, and so I thought it would be a doubly-good surprise.

As we took off from 10th & H Streets in Washington, DC, (as cheesy as this sounds), I could just imagine how surprised and/or happy they might be when we arrived out of the blue. It just made me so excited to be going, and the two-and-a-half hour trip seemed a lot longer than it should have (considering that we made a four-and-a-half hour trip back to DC today).

As the familiar Philadelphia skyline shot into view and the familiar red and blue landmark signs starting popping up, I could feel the anticipation growing and growing. And when we stepped off the bus onto a noticeably dirtier-than-DC 30th Street, I could hardly contain my joy at being back in this city that I call home 28 weeks out of a year (last year, it was even more because I stayed during the summer).

And as we approached campus, passing by the 34th Street Starbucks, the Penn Bookstore on 36th, the bridge on 38th, Philly Diner on 39th, and turned on 39th to head towards Chestnut Hall, where Christine and Liz live this summer, my mind was going crazy because I couldn't believe I was back, just like that, with a short bus ride.

The trip back to Philadelphia this weekend was a timely one. I can say with full firmness that God planned for this weekend to come when it did, for Ahrim to come when she did, for our plans to unfold like this when they did.

Sure, eating and talking and painting nails and laughing and singing along with a guitar were all great, and I am so jealous of all the sisters that are staying there this summer (I mean, where were y'all last summer when the campus was like 85% male?), but the thing that hit me the hardest during the brief 24 hours we were there was how much our church, GCC, means to me.

It's like I got numb to it over the past year, taking for granted how passionate and enveloping it is. See, it took me a month of wandering around from church to church and several months of sporadic, sputtering QT-ing for me to reach a state of complacency, where I knew God was good and I was thankful for and joyful over all His blessings...but I just wasn't on fire. I just wasn't in love with Him quite the same way as last year. I questioned everyday what my faith meant to me, how it was appearing in my life, and whether I carried the fragrance of life or the smell of death. I wondered confusedly, sometimes bitterly, why being Christian meant something to me at all, why this community at GCC had essentially taken over my social and emotional life in these past two years.

But being in that congregation this morning, having my eardrums blasted out by the praise team and seeing friendly faces all around...I have to admit, I was such a sap. I teared up all throughout the first three songs, and unable to stand it anymore, I had to excuse myself during the announcements to go bawl in the bathroom for about three minutes. I was overwhelmed by the presence of the Holy Spirit for the first time in a month or two. Yes, the Holy Spirit resides within you wherever you go, supposedly, but being of a ubiquitous nature, it's also everywhere you are not. And Philadelphia, GCC, is where I hadn't been for a month. And coming back, feeling that the room was heavy with His love and His Spirit, I knew that this was where I felt the most spiritually at home.

It was crazy, my mind and my heart were going absolutely insane as every lyric of every song we sang actually meant something to me, how the sermon related exactly to what I needed to hear, how every interaction I had with someone was so joyful...

God made so clear to me more convictions and more realizations and more closure in the span of these 24 hours than He has in the past 24 days. I feel this fuzz, this lull that has been clouding my judgment has been lifted, and I'm finally ready to return back to Him and be filled with His holiness and His unfailing, fully sufficient love. Of course, it'll be a struggle, as it always is, but I feel more confident than ever before.

His plans are so perfect.

Without the realization of having done so, I had left my whole heart back in Philadelphia, with GCC, my home. Now I've brought it back with me to DC this time, to shape it with the upcoming lessons that I will gain this summer, instead of being an empty shell for the next eight weeks.

But even so, I'd say a small sliver still remains there, ready to make that connection if Lily and I ever do decide to return in another month, or when I go back foreal in September.

That's the thing about home - you always end up leaving a small sliver behind so your heart remembers what it feels like to love that place when you return.

Praise God for His perfect plans and His perfect love.

lessons from dc: being korean/asian in america

As I make my 15-20 minute commute from GW's campus to the Federal Triangle metro station every morning, I take a minute to glance at the people standing next to me, sitting a few feet away from me, smushing into me (when one train breaks down and everybody on that train has to get off and get on the next decently-packed one...the one I'm waiting for...it makes for a very, very crowded train.) It's rare that I see another Asian face in the crowd, apart from a handful of those around my age, who I'm guessing are interns just like me. But very rarely do you see an adult Asian-American, one with an I.D. badge and a newspaper in hand, waiting to get to work.

As I walk down the streets of D.C., sit in on a few restaurants here and there, go perusing through the Georgetown area, I find myself surrounded by very few Asians. Now, this could be the case in Idaho or the deep southern parts of Georgia - where people will ask you if you're from China first, and if you say Korea, North or South? - but why does it perturb me that this is the case in D.C.? Aren't there enough Asians in New York or Los Angeles?

Because. This is the capital of the United States. Perhaps Asians are better suited to the crowds in Wall Street or the various hospitals all around the country, but what about in the government? What about in these various departments and institutions that make our laws, determine where our taxes go, shape our lives, if I am to be so dramatic?

When it comes to government and politics, Asian-Americans - particularly Korean-Americans -seem to be a little indifferent. Perhaps it's because many in the older generation are immigrants, more invested in the running of their home country than that of this country in which they've planted roots so that their offspring would blossom. And perhaps this general lack of interest in the parental generation has trickled down to the younger generations. Sure, I've encountered a lot (a LOT) of Korean-Americans who are majoring in International Relations, but it's rare that you see one major in Political Science. And don't get me wrong - I really don't find politics all that interesting, nor do I keep up with governmental news that often either. The long jargon-y talks, the promises that require too much upkeep, the diplomatic smiles and the guarded conversations - sometimes it's too much for my feeble mind.

But in my short time at D.C., I'm greatly reminded of an amped up version of high school student government. Except in high school, we knew the ins-and-outs of the school's policies and traditions...we just didn't care. We were cynical, not believing that "more french fry lanes" or "awesome Homecoming decorations" would actually make a difference in our lives. But some of these reforms that are going on, health care and financial regulation and yada yada, these are actually going to make differences in our lives. And yet, I don't think the typical Asian-American thinks to run for Congress or something, because really, in many ways, it's a popularity contest. And there is something within Asian cultures that doesn't breed people suited for popularity contests. We're pretty darn smart, but not very popular.

There's also the question of loyalty. The thing about high school is, white people (especially in Georgia) will always have a soft spot for this place called high school. Football games, locker dates ("see you at 7?"), Prom, etc etc. So, naturally, they're more invested into making high school a better place. Asian students - not so much. It's more about their college alma mater and what career they end up having, rather than returning to catch the annual homecoming game in October or joining parent booster clubs. Asian-Americans in the general arena of America...depending on their generation, it's hard to determine where loyalties lie sometimes. Sure, we love living here. We love the academic and career opportunities here. But do we feel a surge of pride seeing the American flag and listening to the national anthem? Questionable.

The World Cup begins in a few hours, and diehard soccer fans will crowd around their t.v.s or their laptops and keep up with the games, following their brackets and gnashing their teeth as they keep their eyes glued to each player.

Who else will be watching carefully? Koreans - some who don't have any interest in soccer, some who hardly know any of the players' names. All they know are the chants, the color red, the sense of overwhelming pride when a player finally makes a goal. Sure, some of these Koreans will be those who immigrated, or those who spent a considerable time living there. But others will be those who have set foot in Korea a handful of times, or perhaps never at all.

My brother is like that in some ways. He's become obsessed with Korea, all these Korean pop stars, their popular culture, the way they dress, and the sense of humor they have. Why the K-pop scene and not Hollywood? Why do a good handful of Asian-Americans study abroad in their "home" countries and not somewhere new?

They say it's a desire to get to know their heritage, their culture. Wanting to explore a native land that their blood cries out to. But honestly, it's because being an Asian-American working in an Asian country gives more of a competitive advantage than being an Asian-American working in America. Koreans go crazy over K-pop stars who know how to speak English fluently (as long as they don't say anything bad about Korea on Myspace, of course.) If you can't find a job in the U.S., you can probably find a job teaching English in an Asian country. An American education is invaluable to some doing business in Asia.

So where does that leave us? What is my point after this whole long tirade? I'm not saying that we should forsake our culture, our roots. I personally think (South, for those confused) Korea is a great nation that really got on its A-game in the last 57 years and transformed its image from a starving, war-ravaged people to a country so prosperous that it's got a reputation for being superficial and technologically-addicted and then some. I wish I knew the language better, I wish I knew its history better, and honestly, I'm a lot fobbier on the inside than I let on. I have a good amount of Korean pride.

But being here in D.C. makes me realize again that I'm also an American. Maybe a naturalized citizen, maybe one who doesn't really read the newspapers as thoroughly as she should, maybe one who has never gotten to know her next-door neighbors in the various towns she's lived in - but an American nonetheless.

And sitting in on my class every week, I question myself, in the 19 years that I've lived in the U.S., why do I feel like I don't know anything about how it's run and why it's run that way? I feel like it's easy to blame America for being ignorant about the world, but so many Americans choose to be ignorant about America. And this is a problem more for educated Asian-Americans than the Caucasian country bumpkins because people try to make their voice be heard regardless of whether or not they know a thing about politics or government in general. Same goes for African-Americans and Hispanic-Americans, which make up sizable portions of the U.S. population. But Asian-Americans, with our 4.4% of the population makeup (seems like more, huh?) and ~11 members of Congress (i.e. counting the half- or 1/8-Asians...that's about 2%), it seems like we have to do more to keep up. The more we shy away, the less of a voice we will get. And isn't having a voice one of the things America is all about?

lessons from dc: education

Honestly, it's really tough to think of things to write these days, because when I'm not working or out finding food (hunter-gatherer? haha), I am usually sleeping. LOL and not only that, I'm not really sure in what direction I want to take this blog anymore...it's been so sparse in substance that I feel like the USAToday of blogs, rather than the NYTimes or something.

But anyway. So, it's been about two weeks in D.C. now, and I'm done with my first week of work (yes, I get Fridays off), and looking back on my time here so far (since I'm a very reflective person), I feel like I have amassed a lot of observations more than any sort of ability or trade from my job. So to make the reading easier (and somewhat shorter), I will break up the observations into separate themed blogposts. Thus:

1) Mad props to profs

At work, I've basically been sending out a ton of emails following up with professors/independent scholars after they've received their fellowship moneys three years ago, which necessitates me looking through a bunch of portfolios. And just looking at what kinds of projects they carry out, and thinking about the whole grant management process that I'll be aiding this summer, it makes me really appreciate what professors have to do for their entire lives.

To be a "successful" professor, it's not just about your teaching ability (as I'm sure many of you have already noticed) or connecting with students - but it's also about building up your reputation as a scholar, as someone who is specialized in a certain field of knowledge. It makes sense, right? After all, these are the people who are supposed to educate underlings so that some of them can also educate those underneath them and thus perpetuate the cycle - so, if we entrust them with our brains, shouldn't they be super knowledgeable about their areas?

But it's not just about knowing a lot, it's also about being innovative and thinking deeper. Because honestly, I always feel like we've thought through and analyzed just about everything that could be though through and analyzed on this Earth. But bringing their own take on topics that have been discussed and poked&prodded for decades or centuries or even millennia...it takes talent, especially in the humanities.

BUT not ONLY that, you have to be able to convince your peers that your take is worth listening to/reading about, hence the whole system of panels we have going on at grant organizations, where your colleagues sit around and pick apart your proposal for a book.

And nowhere is it more apparent in these pools of past fellows (aka grant winners) that it's about substance, not appearance - there are winners from Western Kentucky University and Princeton alike, and grants usually go to 1 out of every 10 applicants...so it's a pretty competitive pool.

And though all of the above may have been obvious even prior to my experiences so far, I'd say that it just verifies that sometimes, professors are severely underrated.

2) Where our education is going

Science is the religion of America. Of course, statistically speaking, Christianity is the dominant religion of the country, but it is also true that Americans put a lot of stock into scientific progress. That is where people get their answers to ailments, their sense of clarity and security, their reason for existence even.

$6.8 billion is given as a yearly budget for the National Science Foundation, while $160 million is given to the National Endowment for the Humanities (which is still the largest provider of grants to the development of the humanities). But I'm sure people still protest that this NSF budget is not quite enough, that science isn't allowed more liberties to do as it wishes, and that the budget towards the humanities is unnecessary. It makes sense in a way - in a life or death situation, you're going to want well-developed medicine as a result of scientific research, not a more in-depth understanding of Jane Austen or the rituals of an Amazonian tribe. So, people are going to want to put their tax money into something more "productive."

I don't know what to say about all this, actually. I want to say that no, the humanities make life interesting, so they are important. That literature moves hearts and stirs up action, and history teaches us about the fallacies of men so that we can carry on a better society...but as museums and newspapers lose money and the purchase of books dwindles (along with the uprise of Kindles), I don't know that our general society feels the same way, and it's difficult to see where we will be 50 years from now.