words, just words

For as long as I can remember, words have been my friends. They've introduced me to the knowledge of this world through books and the speech of others, to my own creativity and identity through writing. I've just been in love ever since I knew what words were, and the power and joy they held. Reading the Bible this year has affirmed that over and over - that seeing the word of God printed on sheet after sheet is just so precious - and I'm not sure how I lived without it for most of my life.

But I've come to this standstill where I feel like words have recently done me more harm than good. Words have betrayed and hurt me, and I'm left here, heartbroken, because I can't figure out when I fell out of their good grace. Maybe it's because I abused them first - I used too many, I didn't control what words I said, in fact, I didn't think about what words I said, I just said them, knowing that they had the power to explain, to move, to heal, to inspire. But I guess I forgot that they also confuse and hide and hurt and get you in a whole lot of trouble.

Words can amount to nothing. Don't actions speak louder than words?

How can words simultaneously hold so much weight and yet be weightless? Why do we talk as if words dissipate into the air the way cotton candy disappears on your tongue, and write as if words make marks on history the way meteorite fragments dent the earth for good? You see what I did there? I could have just said, "why do we carelessly talk and deliberately write?" But why did I fluff it up with imagery and metaphors?

Because I'm just a skeleton with clothes on. I'm good at presenting myself, but there's no substance. I can use all the fancy language I want, all the jargon that's necessary to sound knowledgeable, but the truth of the matter is, if I don't have a point, it's nothing. I'm nothing. And frequently, I just talk and talk and write and write, and it's hard to remember if I even had a point to begin with.

So, you say, establish a point. Think it through, flesh it out. You'll be fine. But not only am I a skeleton of a writer, I feel like just a skeleton of a person. A person who has lived her whole life trying to give the right answers and please the right people, a person who has taken what has been taught to her as absolute truth and never raised any questions. I really hate that I feel like I have no opinions on anything of substance. I hate that I feel ignorant in every way possible, that I don't dig deeper. I'm an overthinker with no point. And by the time I actually get to a point, I've already said too many words that I can't take back or reorganize.

It surprises me that throughout my whole life, people have said that I'm a good writer, a good communicator. When I ask people, well, what am I good at? What am I passionate about? They say, writing. When I muse what I should do in life, they suggest that I become an international journalist or something writing-related. I'm so surprised because time and time again, they're proven wrong by the experts, by people who dare to criticize my writing and cut it down, because they're qualified to do so. So, whose opinions do I go with?

Maybe this is a reality check - a chance to humble myself. Even if no one visits this blog or really reads anything that I write, I'll still keep writing. Even if I have to start my education all over again and learn how to write topic sentences and add 2-3 supporting sentences for each paragraph, I'll still keep writing. Even if the words I write are considered ignorant or stupid, I'll still keep writing. And even if words do confuse and hide and hurt and get me into trouble, I'll still keep writing. But that just means I have to swallow my pride first and accept that maybe I'm just not as good as I've always hoped I was. After all, my dad tested my perseverance as a writer when I was in high school by asking if I'd be okay with my book ending up in a Borders sale bin rather than the top 10 bookcase. And back then, I said no. But perhaps, if I am truly to decide and declare that I love writing, I need to say yes.

Yet before I jump into this pool of optimism and self-motivation, I need to be honest about my status and my identity as a writer.

And I'm really unsure of where either lies.

to all the ladies out there:

You.

are.

beautiful.

You are intelligent, sweet, funny, talented, and lovable.

But most of all, you are beautiful - fearfully and wonderfully made by God Himself.

So PLEASE, stop counting those calories. Stop calling yourselves fat. Stop making excuses to skip meals or eat next-to-nothing at meals.

Call me insensitive, call me unsympathetic, but I am just angry. I'm really angry and fed up.

I'm so tired of girls afraid to eat what they really want to eat, or avoiding eating when they're supposed to. Maybe guys will look favorably upon you now, while we're still young and naive - maybe some will think you're unique or lady-like for not eating a lot. But when you get married, that's going to be a pain in the butt to have to deal with a wife who just doesn't eat or take care of herself, much less someone who thinks poorly of her self-image. Can you imagine trying to take a girl out to a nice restaurant for a date, only to have her end up eating nothing that you order?

It's important to be healthy, to know when you're eating food that is bad for you or when you're eating in excess, but there's a line between healthy regulation and obsessive control. Having food to eat is such a blessing, so why do so many girls abuse it?

I've done the research, I've heard it all - everything from "genetic disposition" to media standard influences to peer pressure to depression - but honestly? At the end of the day, if you truly believe in the love of Christ and the power of His name, you should also believe that you can get over any of these insecurities. Having an unhealthy relationship with food ruins the temple (your body) in which Christ rests. Period.

He loves you. Your community loves you. I love you.

You. are. BEAUTIFUL!

lessons from philly: home

Upon hearing that our old family group leader Ahrim was to be in Philly from Saturday until Tuesday, my summer roommate (Lily) and I decided to make a "surprise" trip this weekend. I was moreover pushed by the fact that my dear friend Christine's birthday is coming up on Tuesday, and so I thought it would be a doubly-good surprise.

As we took off from 10th & H Streets in Washington, DC, (as cheesy as this sounds), I could just imagine how surprised and/or happy they might be when we arrived out of the blue. It just made me so excited to be going, and the two-and-a-half hour trip seemed a lot longer than it should have (considering that we made a four-and-a-half hour trip back to DC today).

As the familiar Philadelphia skyline shot into view and the familiar red and blue landmark signs starting popping up, I could feel the anticipation growing and growing. And when we stepped off the bus onto a noticeably dirtier-than-DC 30th Street, I could hardly contain my joy at being back in this city that I call home 28 weeks out of a year (last year, it was even more because I stayed during the summer).

And as we approached campus, passing by the 34th Street Starbucks, the Penn Bookstore on 36th, the bridge on 38th, Philly Diner on 39th, and turned on 39th to head towards Chestnut Hall, where Christine and Liz live this summer, my mind was going crazy because I couldn't believe I was back, just like that, with a short bus ride.

The trip back to Philadelphia this weekend was a timely one. I can say with full firmness that God planned for this weekend to come when it did, for Ahrim to come when she did, for our plans to unfold like this when they did.

Sure, eating and talking and painting nails and laughing and singing along with a guitar were all great, and I am so jealous of all the sisters that are staying there this summer (I mean, where were y'all last summer when the campus was like 85% male?), but the thing that hit me the hardest during the brief 24 hours we were there was how much our church, GCC, means to me.

It's like I got numb to it over the past year, taking for granted how passionate and enveloping it is. See, it took me a month of wandering around from church to church and several months of sporadic, sputtering QT-ing for me to reach a state of complacency, where I knew God was good and I was thankful for and joyful over all His blessings...but I just wasn't on fire. I just wasn't in love with Him quite the same way as last year. I questioned everyday what my faith meant to me, how it was appearing in my life, and whether I carried the fragrance of life or the smell of death. I wondered confusedly, sometimes bitterly, why being Christian meant something to me at all, why this community at GCC had essentially taken over my social and emotional life in these past two years.

But being in that congregation this morning, having my eardrums blasted out by the praise team and seeing friendly faces all around...I have to admit, I was such a sap. I teared up all throughout the first three songs, and unable to stand it anymore, I had to excuse myself during the announcements to go bawl in the bathroom for about three minutes. I was overwhelmed by the presence of the Holy Spirit for the first time in a month or two. Yes, the Holy Spirit resides within you wherever you go, supposedly, but being of a ubiquitous nature, it's also everywhere you are not. And Philadelphia, GCC, is where I hadn't been for a month. And coming back, feeling that the room was heavy with His love and His Spirit, I knew that this was where I felt the most spiritually at home.

It was crazy, my mind and my heart were going absolutely insane as every lyric of every song we sang actually meant something to me, how the sermon related exactly to what I needed to hear, how every interaction I had with someone was so joyful...

God made so clear to me more convictions and more realizations and more closure in the span of these 24 hours than He has in the past 24 days. I feel this fuzz, this lull that has been clouding my judgment has been lifted, and I'm finally ready to return back to Him and be filled with His holiness and His unfailing, fully sufficient love. Of course, it'll be a struggle, as it always is, but I feel more confident than ever before.

His plans are so perfect.

Without the realization of having done so, I had left my whole heart back in Philadelphia, with GCC, my home. Now I've brought it back with me to DC this time, to shape it with the upcoming lessons that I will gain this summer, instead of being an empty shell for the next eight weeks.

But even so, I'd say a small sliver still remains there, ready to make that connection if Lily and I ever do decide to return in another month, or when I go back foreal in September.

That's the thing about home - you always end up leaving a small sliver behind so your heart remembers what it feels like to love that place when you return.

Praise God for His perfect plans and His perfect love.

lessons from dc: being korean/asian in america

As I make my 15-20 minute commute from GW's campus to the Federal Triangle metro station every morning, I take a minute to glance at the people standing next to me, sitting a few feet away from me, smushing into me (when one train breaks down and everybody on that train has to get off and get on the next decently-packed one...the one I'm waiting for...it makes for a very, very crowded train.) It's rare that I see another Asian face in the crowd, apart from a handful of those around my age, who I'm guessing are interns just like me. But very rarely do you see an adult Asian-American, one with an I.D. badge and a newspaper in hand, waiting to get to work.

As I walk down the streets of D.C., sit in on a few restaurants here and there, go perusing through the Georgetown area, I find myself surrounded by very few Asians. Now, this could be the case in Idaho or the deep southern parts of Georgia - where people will ask you if you're from China first, and if you say Korea, North or South? - but why does it perturb me that this is the case in D.C.? Aren't there enough Asians in New York or Los Angeles?

Because. This is the capital of the United States. Perhaps Asians are better suited to the crowds in Wall Street or the various hospitals all around the country, but what about in the government? What about in these various departments and institutions that make our laws, determine where our taxes go, shape our lives, if I am to be so dramatic?

When it comes to government and politics, Asian-Americans - particularly Korean-Americans -seem to be a little indifferent. Perhaps it's because many in the older generation are immigrants, more invested in the running of their home country than that of this country in which they've planted roots so that their offspring would blossom. And perhaps this general lack of interest in the parental generation has trickled down to the younger generations. Sure, I've encountered a lot (a LOT) of Korean-Americans who are majoring in International Relations, but it's rare that you see one major in Political Science. And don't get me wrong - I really don't find politics all that interesting, nor do I keep up with governmental news that often either. The long jargon-y talks, the promises that require too much upkeep, the diplomatic smiles and the guarded conversations - sometimes it's too much for my feeble mind.

But in my short time at D.C., I'm greatly reminded of an amped up version of high school student government. Except in high school, we knew the ins-and-outs of the school's policies and traditions...we just didn't care. We were cynical, not believing that "more french fry lanes" or "awesome Homecoming decorations" would actually make a difference in our lives. But some of these reforms that are going on, health care and financial regulation and yada yada, these are actually going to make differences in our lives. And yet, I don't think the typical Asian-American thinks to run for Congress or something, because really, in many ways, it's a popularity contest. And there is something within Asian cultures that doesn't breed people suited for popularity contests. We're pretty darn smart, but not very popular.

There's also the question of loyalty. The thing about high school is, white people (especially in Georgia) will always have a soft spot for this place called high school. Football games, locker dates ("see you at 7?"), Prom, etc etc. So, naturally, they're more invested into making high school a better place. Asian students - not so much. It's more about their college alma mater and what career they end up having, rather than returning to catch the annual homecoming game in October or joining parent booster clubs. Asian-Americans in the general arena of America...depending on their generation, it's hard to determine where loyalties lie sometimes. Sure, we love living here. We love the academic and career opportunities here. But do we feel a surge of pride seeing the American flag and listening to the national anthem? Questionable.

The World Cup begins in a few hours, and diehard soccer fans will crowd around their t.v.s or their laptops and keep up with the games, following their brackets and gnashing their teeth as they keep their eyes glued to each player.

Who else will be watching carefully? Koreans - some who don't have any interest in soccer, some who hardly know any of the players' names. All they know are the chants, the color red, the sense of overwhelming pride when a player finally makes a goal. Sure, some of these Koreans will be those who immigrated, or those who spent a considerable time living there. But others will be those who have set foot in Korea a handful of times, or perhaps never at all.

My brother is like that in some ways. He's become obsessed with Korea, all these Korean pop stars, their popular culture, the way they dress, and the sense of humor they have. Why the K-pop scene and not Hollywood? Why do a good handful of Asian-Americans study abroad in their "home" countries and not somewhere new?

They say it's a desire to get to know their heritage, their culture. Wanting to explore a native land that their blood cries out to. But honestly, it's because being an Asian-American working in an Asian country gives more of a competitive advantage than being an Asian-American working in America. Koreans go crazy over K-pop stars who know how to speak English fluently (as long as they don't say anything bad about Korea on Myspace, of course.) If you can't find a job in the U.S., you can probably find a job teaching English in an Asian country. An American education is invaluable to some doing business in Asia.

So where does that leave us? What is my point after this whole long tirade? I'm not saying that we should forsake our culture, our roots. I personally think (South, for those confused) Korea is a great nation that really got on its A-game in the last 57 years and transformed its image from a starving, war-ravaged people to a country so prosperous that it's got a reputation for being superficial and technologically-addicted and then some. I wish I knew the language better, I wish I knew its history better, and honestly, I'm a lot fobbier on the inside than I let on. I have a good amount of Korean pride.

But being here in D.C. makes me realize again that I'm also an American. Maybe a naturalized citizen, maybe one who doesn't really read the newspapers as thoroughly as she should, maybe one who has never gotten to know her next-door neighbors in the various towns she's lived in - but an American nonetheless.

And sitting in on my class every week, I question myself, in the 19 years that I've lived in the U.S., why do I feel like I don't know anything about how it's run and why it's run that way? I feel like it's easy to blame America for being ignorant about the world, but so many Americans choose to be ignorant about America. And this is a problem more for educated Asian-Americans than the Caucasian country bumpkins because people try to make their voice be heard regardless of whether or not they know a thing about politics or government in general. Same goes for African-Americans and Hispanic-Americans, which make up sizable portions of the U.S. population. But Asian-Americans, with our 4.4% of the population makeup (seems like more, huh?) and ~11 members of Congress (i.e. counting the half- or 1/8-Asians...that's about 2%), it seems like we have to do more to keep up. The more we shy away, the less of a voice we will get. And isn't having a voice one of the things America is all about?

lessons from dc: education

Honestly, it's really tough to think of things to write these days, because when I'm not working or out finding food (hunter-gatherer? haha), I am usually sleeping. LOL and not only that, I'm not really sure in what direction I want to take this blog anymore...it's been so sparse in substance that I feel like the USAToday of blogs, rather than the NYTimes or something.

But anyway. So, it's been about two weeks in D.C. now, and I'm done with my first week of work (yes, I get Fridays off), and looking back on my time here so far (since I'm a very reflective person), I feel like I have amassed a lot of observations more than any sort of ability or trade from my job. So to make the reading easier (and somewhat shorter), I will break up the observations into separate themed blogposts. Thus:

1) Mad props to profs

At work, I've basically been sending out a ton of emails following up with professors/independent scholars after they've received their fellowship moneys three years ago, which necessitates me looking through a bunch of portfolios. And just looking at what kinds of projects they carry out, and thinking about the whole grant management process that I'll be aiding this summer, it makes me really appreciate what professors have to do for their entire lives.

To be a "successful" professor, it's not just about your teaching ability (as I'm sure many of you have already noticed) or connecting with students - but it's also about building up your reputation as a scholar, as someone who is specialized in a certain field of knowledge. It makes sense, right? After all, these are the people who are supposed to educate underlings so that some of them can also educate those underneath them and thus perpetuate the cycle - so, if we entrust them with our brains, shouldn't they be super knowledgeable about their areas?

But it's not just about knowing a lot, it's also about being innovative and thinking deeper. Because honestly, I always feel like we've thought through and analyzed just about everything that could be though through and analyzed on this Earth. But bringing their own take on topics that have been discussed and poked&prodded for decades or centuries or even millennia...it takes talent, especially in the humanities.

BUT not ONLY that, you have to be able to convince your peers that your take is worth listening to/reading about, hence the whole system of panels we have going on at grant organizations, where your colleagues sit around and pick apart your proposal for a book.

And nowhere is it more apparent in these pools of past fellows (aka grant winners) that it's about substance, not appearance - there are winners from Western Kentucky University and Princeton alike, and grants usually go to 1 out of every 10 applicants...so it's a pretty competitive pool.

And though all of the above may have been obvious even prior to my experiences so far, I'd say that it just verifies that sometimes, professors are severely underrated.

2) Where our education is going

Science is the religion of America. Of course, statistically speaking, Christianity is the dominant religion of the country, but it is also true that Americans put a lot of stock into scientific progress. That is where people get their answers to ailments, their sense of clarity and security, their reason for existence even.

$6.8 billion is given as a yearly budget for the National Science Foundation, while $160 million is given to the National Endowment for the Humanities (which is still the largest provider of grants to the development of the humanities). But I'm sure people still protest that this NSF budget is not quite enough, that science isn't allowed more liberties to do as it wishes, and that the budget towards the humanities is unnecessary. It makes sense in a way - in a life or death situation, you're going to want well-developed medicine as a result of scientific research, not a more in-depth understanding of Jane Austen or the rituals of an Amazonian tribe. So, people are going to want to put their tax money into something more "productive."

I don't know what to say about all this, actually. I want to say that no, the humanities make life interesting, so they are important. That literature moves hearts and stirs up action, and history teaches us about the fallacies of men so that we can carry on a better society...but as museums and newspapers lose money and the purchase of books dwindles (along with the uprise of Kindles), I don't know that our general society feels the same way, and it's difficult to see where we will be 50 years from now.

stuff GCC loves (09/10)

It's that time of year again...

So, I have compiled a list of things that I believe have been quite present in GCC undergraduate culture during this past academic year. There were many things to choose from, so you are free to dispute any of my choices and suggest more fitting ones if you feel like I selected the "wrong" ones.

I recommend that as you read through this list, you listen to any of the following songs (Everlasting God, Wonder of Your Love, How He Loves, Party in the USA, Hey Soul Sister) to get the soundtrack of this year along with your list of:

STUFF GCC LOVES (09/10 version)

edit: after clarification/protest by several people LOL:

1. The book of Mark

So, okay, I will say that it's common to stick to only one book for Bible study (Genesis was the book of choice for a while), because it's Bible study, not a Bible buffet. But Mark was definitely the head honcho Gospel this year, and basically the default book for almost all our sermons (which was intended by P. Young, as many of y'all pointed out, my B).

oh hai Genesis

2. Boston

GCC LOVES Boston. We love Boston so much that we are planting a church there this summer! And if you didn't know this, you have probably been living underneath a rock all year, falling asleep in service, or not attending service all year. But yup, we love Boston. And you should tell all your Bostonian friends about Symphony Church of Boston so they can meet some of GCC's finest :)

3. The Chinese accent

Thanks to a 2012er named Michael Hsu, you can't walk through the crowd of Friday night or Sunday afternoon fellowship without hearing at least one, "Oh ssanks!" or "That's the good deal" as your meander your way around. Though I would say that the Asian population at our church is pretty evenly divided between Chinese and Korean peoples, the "Chinese accent" has infiltrated the vocabulary of many, many people regardless of their ethnicity. Of course, we don't know for sure if these phrases sound like what a fobby Chinese person would sound like speaking Engrish, but hey, if it makes us smile, then why not?

om nom nom nom nom

(This is the first picture that showed up in Google Images when I typed in "Chinese boy")

4. Class phrases

It seems that the younger generations at GCC have class-specific phrases that have caught on like wildfire. Three that come to mind are: 1) "gewgoe" (2011), more popular last summer/early fall, 2) "purple" (2012), and 3) "g-word" (2013). And it seems that the youngest are the sneakiest, because gewgoe and purple are relatively straightforward (in fact, "gewgoe" has its own urbandictionary.com entry), but no one outside of the class of 2013 knows what the "g-word" actually is, since the penalty of its leakage is excommunication.

Purple: Red (girls) + Blue (boys)...speaking of which....

5. The dating boom

If you divided the number of new couples by the number of weeks last semester, you probably had one new couple arise every other week. Okay, perhaps that is an exaggeration, but GCC has probably never seen this much purple all at once in years. Or ever. This dating boom, kind of like the baby boom sans babies, was quite a hot topic, particularly in the months of March&April...just in time for Spring Fever.

6. Causing chaos on the Internet

They say keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. But you're going to have to reassess who's a friend and who's an enemy, because if you leave your computer open with Gchat/Facebook/etc. while you take a bathroom break or you visit a friend in a different room in Meyerson, there will be chaos. From absurd status changes to even a Wikipedia page created in honor of your bffl (shown below), GCCers have had quite a lot of fun messing with each other. Let's just keep it PG, k?

Did you know that J.Paik is a famous singer?

7. Fad websites

It all started with OMGPOP last spring (which regrettably did not make it onto the list last year, so we are redeeming it this year). That evolved into MyBrute.com to Facebook Mafia Wars to most recently, formspring.me. These websites become super popular for a brief period of time - formspring.me lasted about 2 weeks - and by the time everybody else catches on, the early adopters have already left, making these websites just a little less fun.

8. Settlers of Catan

"I'll trade you one wood for two sheep." "No man, forget that. I need my wood." One boardgame has never been so beloved in our community until Settlers exploded onto the GCC scene during second semester. Of course, the game has been around for years, but somehow, this little red box has suddenly come to represent all the important things in life: territory, alliances, length.

9. Titanic

The hit movie (particularly its ending scene) made a comeback at both Praise Night and Grad Night 2010. With some good voice-acting ("J-j-j-j-ack...I'm so c-c-c-c-cold") and funky suspenders, the reenactments gave us good (albeit awkward) laughs as we celebrated both Jesus and our grads.

And finally...

There were 3 finalists when it came to the non-thing person that will annually sit at #10 on this list (edit: although last year, IYP was at #9, whoops). Unfortunately, only one could make it as #10.

Runner-Up #1: Greg Fu

This guy has influenced the way we speak and what we find funny. A beloved family group leader and classmate, he definitely was at the center of GCC attentions this year.

Runner-Up #2: Pastor Andy

One of the many pastors that will be leaving us this year, Pastor Andy is probably singlehandedly responsible for triggering the Dating Boom (see #5) that came about this semester. (JK) But in all seriousness, he has been a wonderful pastor, mentor, friend, sports-watching buddy, and sometimes even a chauffeur to many.

G. Fu (2nd from left) and Pastor A. Park (3rd from left)

But despite these very good reasons to select them as this year's #10, these two actually don't like having a lot of attention directed towards them, so I present to you our favorite GCCelebrity:

10. Jason Y. Lee

I think I recognized that Jason was still making a huge impact on GCCers worldwide when I heard a friend squeal one day at Overflow rehearsal, "I MET JASON LEE!" with the same amount of passion that she would had she met, say, Brad Pitt (or insert famous young male actor here). With his new initiative, The Jubilee Project, he is not only reaching out to help "GREAT" causes, but also to those who know and love him already, AND generations that will have never met him (read: 2013). Now, that's the mark of a true celebrity.

But didn't this guy graduate last year? O.o

So, to help out our #10, you have 4 more days left to help him out at the Pepsi Refresh Project, where he is in the running to receive $5k towards boosting his project. Don't let the current rank fool you, every vote can make a difference! And even after May 31st, stay updated at www.jubileeproject.org to see what Mr. GCCelebrity and his gang are up to!

------------

So, that's all for now, folks.

Hope those of you on summer vacation are enjoying your time off! For those of you still in school, you can do it! :)

This was Sarah Ryu, reporting live from Washington D.C. (LOL jk)

my friend nate archibald

N: it's like
i'm tom and the suns were summer
had me all excited
and everything is going well
and then BAM
game over boy.
i think i'm going to go smash some plates

This is why we're friends!

:)

welcome to the capital

So...you guys are probably wondering (or maybe you're not) - where the heck has Sarah been?

Well, I will tell you...I am in Washington, D.C.!

I arrived here this past Sunday morning, moved into a George Washington University dorm with Lily (shown below), and have been touring the city bit by bit since then.

My internship with the National Endowment for the Humanities (housed in the Old Post Office below) begins next Tuesday, June 1st, but until then, I have this whole week free to go museum-hopping and finding places to eat. (But if you're familiar with the area, feel free to suggest places! :D)

It feels really awesome to be here, and I am SO thankful to God for this opportunity...to not only explore a new city or get to know a sister better, but also to get to know myself better and really be in the center of all the ENERGY of this country. (okay, this is not coming out as coherently as I thought it would haha)

But basically, I feel like I am going to absorb a lot and experience a lot and learn a lot, so I'm excited to start fresh! I'm ambitious and collected, and I feel like the trials and slumps of sophomore year are almost completely behind me now. That's the amazing thing about life - it moves on. And that's also the amazing thing about God - He helps you to move on at exactly the right time. He knows what's best for you, and His timing is perfect. So...keeping that in mind, I'm excited for the summer ahead, and the plans that I will forge :)

Yay! (Come visit!!!)

music makes me feel alive

It's been about two years since I played in my last orchestra concert, and I relived the experience yesterday (Saturday), when I went to my brother's orchestra concert.

It wasn't that they played any of the same pieces or that the stage was the same or even that the age group was the same, but for the first time since graduating high school, I genuinely missed playing with ASYO (Atlanta Symphony Youth Orchestra). I hadn't really before because it has persistently been a bittersweet memory from high school, a time that I can easily recall when I have to think of instances when politics overshadowed beauty, and acknowledgement and relationships were built on a rather hierarchical system (that is, people who sat in the front hardly ever knew the names or the faces of those who sat in the back).

But as I watched my brother arrange his music on the stand and chat amiably with the people around him, as the lights started to dim and the room grew silent, and as the concertmaster came out and signaled for tuning to begin, I felt the same mix of emotions I did 27 times before - the mix of excitement and preparedness and a hint of nerves - and old routines just lit up inside my mind - tapping my feet on stage as a form of applause for the conductor or soloist, flipping pages frantically, crashing through crazy 16th notes (faking through most of them my first year in), breathing in sharply and cueing with nods and soaring on melodic phrases...but what I remembered most and missed the most was the feeling of being so small and so big all at once - hearing the brass blare out notes and the timpani rumble the floor as the strings (of which I was a part) scrubbed away at ridiculous runs and emerged victoriously with a triumphant chord.

That is, it's not just being part of a large group of musicians, but more being part of a work of art. Something that has lasted through centuries, tested in front of audiences all around the world - something that makes you feel so alive when you're playing the piece. The adrenaline that rushes through you when you hear colors (kind of how Ratatouille tastes colors? LOL) and see sounds and feel in your gut this overwhelming feeling of satisfaction - that as some of your audience members might feel like it's dragging on for them, the little black notes are just flying past your eyes and fingertips as you jump from letter B to letter X and shift from a sweet andante in the second movement to a heart-pounding allegro vivace...

So, maybe you skipped all of what I just wrote in the paragraphs above (especially if you don't care for classical music), but the bottom line is: playing crazy masterpieces in a (good) large symphonic orchestra is, for me, one thing that makes me feel intensely alive.

The one piece I remember distinctly feeling a crazy turmoil of overwhelming emotions (in an awesome way, not a self-destructive way lol) is "Pictures at an Exhibition" by Mussorgsky/Ravel - the last "movement" (are they called movements?) was just so mindblowingly crazy, filled with nostalgia and hope for the future (as many of the seniors I was close with were graduating after this concert) and an intensity that I think I will remember forever, as cheesy as that sounds. Apart from Dvorak's Symphony VIII (which also will always hold a special place in my heart), this piece is one of the few over the years that really rocked my world.

You can say so many things with music, that I'm actually doing an injustice to the piece and to the overall entity we call "music" to try to wrap it all up in a blogpost.

Of course, a lot of the "normal" music we listen to does have words in the songs, but with those, when you find just the right songs, they can make you feel like they say so much more within their AABB rhyming patterns and overused chord progressions.

And I did find quite a few songs (or at least revisited them, not discovered them for the first time haha) in the past two days that have made me feel so connected with the music and understand where the singer is coming from - it's been rather intoxicating. The same songs I heard a few months, a few years before, all of a sudden make so much more sense in light of the experiences and lessons I've amassed in whatever time since I last heard those songs...and when songs make sense to you, or evoke certain emotions and thoughts in you, it's pretty crazy how alive you feel...to know that someone else feels or felt the same exact way that you feel or have felt before. As they used to say: a psychedelic connection.

And then, let's not even get into praise/worship songs, because to fully explain why those are such an integral part of my (and many others') experience in church and walk with God...that would take way too long. And I'm not even sure what words I would use.

So yeah. That was a very sporadic, all-over-the-place rant on how much music makes me feel like I'm living a meaningful and colorful life, especially when I'm caught at the right time by the right music. I know a certain blogger also always talks about how much he loves music and its influence on his thoughts, attitudes, emotions... (cough) but yeah, I totally agree. Music means so much to me, and it's funny to find that I had loosened my hold on it for quite some time now. It almost makes me want to practice violin tomorrow. (Key word: "almost").

i've never been so mia

Lo siento, to those who still keep up with this:

Will update soon, but basically, a lot of life decisions to make in the next week&ahalf...so we'll see :)

But for now, DONE with sophomore year (hands down the hardest year of my life so far - I used to think junior year of high school was my hardest year thus far) as of 4:55 PM, May 7, 2010. Yay!