motivations: praise

Last part - I admit I don't know if I like the ending completely, but for now, it'll do. Thanks for reading!

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Praise

A sigh. “Maybe I was wrong to be too…cool about it all.”
“Then what else would you have done?”
“Maybe I should have cared more.”
“So you didn’t care when it happened.”
“No, it’s not that.”
“What do you want me to say then? That I agree? That you should come back?”
Another sigh. “I’m just having a tough time right now, Neil. I’m just confused about how I feel, and I wish I had someone to lean on, I guess.”
“That’s all I’m still good for, yeah?”
“You know what, I’m sorry for calling. Thanks for coming to the funeral.”
“Natalie – ” Click.
He loosened his tie and untied his shoelaces, slumping into the couch.

Of course he had wanted to comfort her; her estranged father had just passed away. She had spent her adult life trying to disassociate herself from her family that had been filled with too much sadness since she was born, only to find at the very end that it was capable of having joy as well. He knew she found it strange to find both her brother and her father Christian after six months, to see him lying in a casket in a church, to see a little boy dressed in black tearing up next to her sister-in-law, to know that everything had been reconciled without her. He knew she felt alone.
And so when she called him somewhat randomly a few days ago asking him to come to her father’s funeral and hurriedly explaining why he had to be there, he couldn’t say no right away.

“What do you think?”
“I think you’re bitter.”
“And I don’t have any right to be bitter?”
“Wasn’t it you that said there was a reason for everything?”
“Sure, but I think this is more or less a temptation test or even better, a reminder that I need to focus on other things than my own feelings.”
“No, I’m sure there’s a more fruitful reason than that.”
“I’m just frustrated with it all.”
Leah looked at him so pointedly he felt the need to avert his own eyes. “Do you still miss her?”
“No,” he answered immediately. “I mean, I don’t know. I didn’t really think about it until yesterday. Or, I haven’t really thought it about it until yesterday? I don’t want to think about it. She just needs moral support right now more than anything else, and I don’t think she’s thinking straight.”
“Then maybe you should be that support she needs.”
“I don’t think I’m ready for that.”
“You can’t really decide that on your own, you know.”

He paced the room back and forth, opening and closing his phone several times before getting to the “Recent Calls” page. He took a deep breath and made the call. It rang several times before going to the voicemail. Ending the call with a glare, he stared at his phone in frustration until it suddenly rang again.
“Hello?”
“Hi, sorry I missed your call.” Her heavy and unhappy voice made him regret the call.
“No, it’s fine,” he answered, thinking that it might have been better if she hadn’t called him back at all.
“So…”
“I just…wanted to apologize for yesterday.” He tapped his chair’s armrest with his right hand as he spoke. “I don’t think I was being tactful at all, and I understand that things have been a little chaotic for you. I think I was hit with a lot in one day, so honestly, I’m here if you want to talk, but I don’t know how much of a comfort I’ll be, because – ”
“Neil.” She sighed audibly over the phone. “It’s okay. I threw a lot at you. I feel like I’m having a mental breakdown every two hours and I’m not used to feeling so unstable.”
“I know the feeling.” With that statement, he knew this was something he had to do.

They talked for two hours, catching each other up on everything that had gone unsaid for months. He did more listening than talking, as was the norm in their previous relationship, but this time, he wasn’t doing it to please her, but to support her – something he had tricked himself into thinking he was doing.
Work was difficult, she told him. Making friends was difficult, especially with her personality. It was even difficult for her to stomach the fact that the family she had wanted to leave behind so intently when she was young had legitimately dwindled down to just her brother and sister-in-law. And so she was afraid, she said, that things were moving forward without her even realizing that she wasn’t moving forward with them. Everything had been in line for her, but now she didn’t know what her priorities should be.

“I think she’s having her breaking period a little late.”
“Don’t joke around like that.”
“No, but I’m serious. Isn’t it a bit more apparent to you why you’re going through with this?”
“Maybe.”
“Why do you think this is so hard for you?”
“If I knew the reason, it’d be easier for me to get over myself.”
“Be patient.” She glanced at him with a sympathetic smile and got up with her latte. “Anyway, I have practice in twenty minutes – we’ll talk later.”

She said she felt like she didn’t know her brother anymore. Neil had met him once at her birthday dinner – he had seemed very agitated and yet authoritative; the man he had seen last week was more subdued and at peace. He asked her if it was a change she didn’t like. No, she responded. It was more or less a change she could not grasp, although in her right mind, she would find it comforting to know that things were going well for him, for he had always been her favorite brother.
She said she wanted to ask what had been going on, and she knew that with the holidays coming up, it might call for some actual family time, to reflect and talk sincerely, things she had been avoiding for a while, but the idea of it all stressed her out. She felt like she had too much on her plate to even properly buy the right Christmas presents. What frustrated her even more was the fact that she had always celebrated the December holidays with no reason, but now her family had reason to and she had no idea why.
He kept getting choked up each time her religious inquiries arose in their conversations. What could he say? He was new to this whole experience too.

“I feel like I should have better things to say, but I don’t.”
“Your own experiences should suffice,” she said, lightly tapping her coffee cup. “I found them very intriguing, even from a secular point of view.”
“It’s hard to bring up because it had a lot to do with her, to be honest.”
“I figured.” She started drawing random shapes on the napkin in front of her.
“Is this boring you?” He thought back to all their previous conversations. “I feel like we always talk about me.”
“We do,” she said, then added, “but it’s okay,” thinking better of her curt response.
“Right.”
“I think it’s one of those pay-it-forward type deals. I’ve received my comfort from Him, so I can pass it along to you, and then you can pass it along to her. We only know how to love others because we received that love first, you know? You’re not trying to beat her or even please her this time – you’re trying to meet her where she is.”

She said she needed time to sort out her emotions, so she asked him for a little break in the phone calls. He obliged, but felt an odd emptiness now that he had no need to hold onto the phone for hours at a time. So, he took some time away from everyone else to reflect as well, until Leah called to meet.

“So, you aren’t over your emotions.”
“No, I am. I just feel empty.”
“Because you haven’t talked to her?”
“Yes? No? I don’t know why.”
“Maybe you gave too much of yourself away again.”
“No, she was the one pouring out her thoughts to me, not the other way around.”
“Maybe you did it subconsciously,” she whispered.
“I think maybe I wanted to say something back. Something more of substance than just ‘okay’ or ‘yeah,’ you know, before she took time to reflect. Something to really show His love for her?”
“I wanted to share something with you,” she suddenly said, almost disregarding his previous statements. “I realized why God put me in this situation and didn’t let me go through with any of my own plans.”
He raised an eyebrow with interest. “Really?”
“I’ve been talking to my cousin, who’s atheist, and she’s been curious, but unopened, to the idea that a God does exist.”
“Right.”
“And I’m going to my parents’ house in Georgia for Christmas, actually. We’re having a family reunion and we’ll be attending service at my parents’ church, but I know she’s not looking forward to it all.” She paused. “But I feel this anxiety, but a good kind, because I’m going to be leading worship there on Christmas Eve. And I feel like He’s telling me that He’s going to use me that day, through music, to reach her.”
“You know this for sure?”
She made a thinking motion, then nodded slowly. “I can feel it.”
“And you think – ”
“I think I’m in a unique position to say what my knowledge and experience cannot say…through song.” She laughed nervously. “It’s really nerve-wrecking, but I feel the most alive I’ve felt in a while.”
He thought back to the first time he had heard her sing during their services, and recalled the power and comfort he felt. “I’m glad for you,” he said.
She looked at him for a moment, as if almost disappointed with his response. “Thank you,” she finally answered. She reached into her purse and pulled out a small wrapped box.
“It’s nothing big, but I just wanted to wish you an early Merry Christmas, since I won’t be seeing you.” She placed it carefully on the table and got up just as carefully. “Thanks for everything. I need to run right now. Enjoy your time with your family!”
She turned back to a surprised Neil and added, “I think you should tell her.” And she left.

He mustered enough courage to visit Natalie in New York on Christmas Eve. They were to meet for lunch at a nice restaurant near Rockefeller Center. He was wearing a black coat, scarf, and jeans, but as he stepped into the bitter New York air, he immediately wished he were wearing a few more hundred layers.
He briefly thawed in the waiting area of the restaurant before walking toward the table at which Natalie sat. He perceived immediately that she seemed to be less burnt out and grieved, and was grateful for her return to her usual calm demeanor.
“Hi, Neil.”
“Hi. Merry Christmas.”
She smiled as she pulled out a flat envelope and set it on top of his plate. “I wrote you a card. Nothing too fancy, so don’t feel burdened.”
He picked it up and tucked it into the inside pocket of his jacket. “Thank you. I’ll read it on the way home.”
“So what brings you to the city?”
“I want to be honest with you, I just felt like it’d be easier to tell you in person.” He began his story, starting with the aftermath of their separation, things she had never bothered to find out after she left. She sat silently, eating when their food came out, sipping from her glass after the plates were taken away. There was something freeing about sharing his narrative with her, and he was strangely reminded of the time he had shared it with Leah. And without intending to, he began to share about his conversations with Leah as well.
“I don’t know what to make of this all,” she admitted after he finished. “But, thank you for letting me know. I…had no idea it had been so difficult for you.”
“I guess, I wanted you to know,” he said tentatively, “that you’re never completely alone, and I hope your time with your brother will help you to see that even more clearly.”
“I hope so too,” she answered deliberately. “I think…Leah has helped you see that as well.”
He looked at her as if it was his first time seeing her. “We should, um, head out,” he said quietly.
They left the restaurant and walked toward the Rockefeller ice rink to see the Christmas lights. She looked at him, watching him clearly roll around her last statement in his head.
“Neil,” she called, bringing him out of his reveries. “Lunch was lovely.” She leaned forward to kiss him gently on the cheek. “I have to go, but let’s keep in touch. Thanks for everything.”
She started to walk away, then turned around. “I think you should tell her,” she said, smiling.

He got into the car and read Natalie’s card. The contents were friendly, thanking him for his encouragement and reassurance, but one line stuck out in his mind: “I hope that you never pass up an opportunity to learn, give thanks, and love.”

The steering wheel of his car led him to the Newark Airport and he found himself begging to be put on a flight to Atlanta, offering to pay whatever amount was necessary for a roundtrip. As he sat nervously in the terminal, he pulled out Natalie’s card again and read it carefully, focusing on the line that he couldn’t help but read over and over again. Was this what he was supposed to do?
He tucked the card back into his coat pocket and pulled out the small box he had grabbed at the last minute from his car – Leah’s gift. Unwrapping it, he found a watch with a small note: “Time keeps ticking away, so I hope we both find our reasons why soon. Merry Christmas.”
The flight was longer than expected, possibly because of his anxiety – he had no idea where he was going or how he was going to get there, but he trusted that he would find the right place when he landed.

The church was on the smaller side, smaller than the one they attended back home. The Christmas tree in the corner was enormous, decorated with angels and stars of silver and gold, and lending a pine fresh scent to the room. People dressed in bright red and green lined the pews and the sound of an organ playing “Silent Night” filled the room. He saw Leah murmuring to the choir on the stage up front, then turning to the senior pastor sitting on the right, who looked very obviously like her father.
She stood up, motioning for the choir to stand up as well. He watched her conduct with enthusiasm, soaking in the cheerful atmosphere surrounding him. It was a much different experience from the one he was used to, but seeing her on stage as usual comforted him.

The time of offering followed the sermon, when she took the stage and began singing “O Holy Night.” There was something touching about her voice, something joyful in the words that she sang, and he felt the rush of the excitement of this momentous occasion that he had long ignored and taken only as a time of materialism and feel-good mentality. He saw the stars of that night and sensed the tension of the trek to find the baby Lord in a manger, His arrival unknown to most of the known world. It was beautiful and miraculous, and in that moment, he knew what he had learned so far was true – that God was true and that this amazing birth was true and that him belonging there was true. And most importantly, that her conviction was true.

The service ended and he did what he usually did after services – he prayed by himself for a bit, thanking God for bringing him this far and for guiding him along a better path. But this time, he felt a hand on his shoulder, so he opened his eyes and looked up.
“You came,” she said softly.
“I did.”
“How did you even…?”
“God has a plan for everything.” He smiled and stood up to face her. “You were right.”
“About?” She looked startled.
“About your reason. About speaking through song, through praise.”
“I – “
“You sang beautifully. I’m proud of you.”
She stood speechless before him. “Thank you,” she finally managed to say.
“And I want to tell you more, but I have to catch my flight back to see my family tomorrow.”
“That’s understandable.”
“But I want you to know that I’ve found my reason too.”
“I’m really glad to hear – ”
“You don’t have to say anything more.” He pulled on his coat, hesitated, and then kissed her. “Merry Christmas,” he said, leaning his forehead against hers.
Before she could react, he had already reached the doors. “See you soon.”

© 2009. Sarah R.