the past is not present, the future is imminent

William Faulkner (the obligatory "once") said, "The past isn't dead. It isn't even past." (So who said, "The past is present"? Hm. It might just have been a loose translation of his statement.)

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I thought my interest in writing/journaling, in photography, in scrapbooking — my tendency to reminisce, reflect — I thought those were just things I did. You know, for fun. Because it's somewhat artsy. Because it's pretty enlightening to look back and see how much we've changed physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually over a certain period of time.

But I've come to realize that those natural inclinations, (which, to a certain degree, are fine and healthy and normal), when taken to another level, can be such heavy and frustrating and chafing chains that tie me down. Words&actions, said&done days, weeks, months, years ago — some have left profound marks on my heart, what-feels-like-permanent grooves on my brain.

I don't know why I'm writing this here. Probably because I've written many things here, and unless truly random people make a deliberate effort to find this (which is unlikely, given that there are many more interesting blogs out there), my readers tend to be people I trust. So I'm entrusting this tidbit to you:

Paul says that running the race means "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead." But I will be the first to admit that I do a terrible job at the former. My heart, my mind, my body — they all want to strain toward what is ahead, toward the fulfillment of His will in my life, toward all the crazy days I will spend working, building, raising, loving. And yet, it is so incredibly easy for me to get stuck in the past. I can't say that it's called regret, only because I firmly accept that everything has happened the way it has for a reason (God's reason). I want to say it's more akin to simply revisiting, like popping in a home video into my mental VCR. How did that occur? Oh yeah, that's how. What did she say then? What did his expression look like then? Oh yeah, that's what it was. Exactly. But more than just simple reviewing, it can turn into rewriting:

What would have happened if I had discovered this earlier?

What would have happened if I had just been more patient?

What would have happened if I hadn't said that at that moment? If I had reacted differently? If I hadn't reacted at all?

If only I had...

If only I hadn't...

Maybe it sounds like regret to you, but to me, it's more curiosity than anything.

And I've heard curiosity is a good thing, but not when applied to the past. Curiosity is to lay the framework for the future: it's because of a desire to know or realize something that we are propelled forward into achieving those goals.

These next few months are going to be very chaotic, very confusing, perhaps even very disheartening. But I also believe that they are going to be very hopeful, very exciting, and certainly very fulfilling. So I suppose my request is this: please keep reminding me of this imminent future, and pray that I will live in the present, making the most of every opportunity and truly, truly believing that in Christ, the old has gone, the new has come! Both Joseph and Ruth had no idea what was really ahead — each new day could have presented a change in their "luck" — but each step forward was taken in faith, and eventually they both reached the point where God's will in them was realized. I need this faith!

I need this faith.