the fullness of emptiness

That is the title I put on my last undergraduate English paper of my life to talk about the York Resurrection play/Jesus' resurrection in general but honestly, it's pretty apt for how I feel right now.

I've just graduated from Penn...and after frantically tossing the rest of my belongings into random plastic bags/a hujungous suitcase within 20 min and rushing over to lunch at 3 PM...I am now back home and I don't really know what to do with myself. I feel like I've been in denial this past week, knowing that I'd see a good amount of people in June and perhaps July, and even today, as we wrapped up taking pictures, I just kind of walked away without sharing too many farewells, partly because I felt bad for my tired&hungry family, partly because I didn't feel like saying goodbye would be enough to express exactly how much I'm going to miss everyone and how much they all mean to me.

I'm sitting in my room, with all these suitcases and plastic bins waiting to be unpacked, and it's overwhelming to know that I have enough stuff to fill two bedrooms (and yeah, last time I checked, I only have one.) But, what's even more overwhelming to know is that I will never, ever live in the same 6x6-block space as all the people that I have come to absolutely love in the last four years. I don't have a roommate bouncing around to "Call Me Maybe" right outside my door right now. I don't have a BFFL a few blocks away right now, ready to receive any and all of my immaturity with grace and patience and love the night before graduation. I don't have brothers to troll me with ridiculous questions and comments while munching on mesquite BBQ chips or making a Starbucks run with me right now. I don't have all these cute underclassmen studying/"studying" in one of my most favorite buildings on campus an 8-min walk away right now. In my very full room, it just seems so...empty.

And yet, this emptiness gestures to a fullness that is so tangible in my heart - a fullness of life and love from my college career that will be irreplaceable. Yes, I'm moving on to (hopefully) bigger and perhaps even better things, so it's not like I will never be happy or feel fulfilled ever again. But the people that I've met and gotten to know and the experiences that we've shared and grown through will forever be imprinted on my heart, so that even in the physical absence, there will be a distinct presence that will remind me of God's faithfulness and care.

I am so blessed to have been able to sit with some of my closest friends throughout college during my various ceremonies - side by side, just like we've been running this race side by side. I looked to my left and I looked to my right and I saw brothers and sisters who not only have shown me love but also shown how much they love the Lord. And though we will continue on different paths from here on out, I know that they will continue to show that to others and that we will spur one another toward love and good deeds.

BAH, I know that hardly anyone will read this...but for those 2012ers who do...know that I love you all so very much. I suck at expressing it sometimes, and I'm pretty forgetful, AND I will most likely be absolutely terri-bad-awful at keeping in touch, but yeah. I love you all ♥

Thank you, Lord, for an amazing four years. Truly, truly, (forsothe, forsothe) every good and perfect gift comes from You alone.