remind my soul

There are so many times that I have clicked on "New Post" and given up writing an entry halfway through because I realize I don't really have that many words left in me for this blog. It's kind of sad, really, because I don't mind sharing and I generally have a lot of thoughts, but I don't know why I get so speechless (figuratively speaking) when I sit down to type something out. It's kind of mirrored in that there are so many passing conversations these days where it's just a lot of "Hey, how are you, where do you work again/what are you studying again, okay cool" type exchanges where I just wonder if I've become a terrible conversationalist or relationships have changed too much because of distance and time and I just get sad but what can you do that's life you have to move on because there's so much to see and do here and now and waxing and waning is the normal rhythm of human interactions. (Now I can see how someone like Faulkner could write on and on without using punctuation marks...)

But the real problem is, sometimes I feel like I have those passing conversations with God too— hi, how are You, thanks for meeting with me, You know, this piece of news/comment/incident really broke my heart and can You believe the injustices&brokenness of this world? and I am so tired right now, I really wish I had gone to sleep an hour earlier yesterday, and please take care of this person and that person, and okay, gonna get back to what I was doing before, I'll catch You later. And it's not that I don't care, because I do, and it's not that I don't know that being in His presence is the best thing, because I do, and it's not that I don't need Him, because I so totally definitely do. What it really must be is that my heart doesn't really flutter at the sound of His voice or the warmth of His presence. And as cheesy as that sounds, I realize more and more it's something I really have to work(?) on as I grow in my faith. Of course, I cannot manufacture excitement and giddiness and pure delight (hence the question mark next to "work"), but there has to be some sort of attitude adjustment in how I see God and how I view our relationship. Lord, yes; Father, yes; Creator and Master of the universe, yes; but Lover of my soul? Mmm...yeah. I guess? Love as in like...Jesus's "greater love has no one than this"? No? Something different? Basically, it's a confusing road and not one that I have yet been taken down, I think. But as I have been tentatively opening up, He has been so good to me even in the smallest of things (like how He "magically" kept me dry Monday-Wednesday so that I wouldn't have to be walking when it was pouring rain and how beautiful it has been during this long weekend) to reassure me of the biggest of things: e.g. that I am forever His.

So yay, I have finally completed a post. But something I thought I should share? especially being that it is one of the main takeaways from AMI last weekend. I'm kind of rusty at blogging so I will sign off with an "okay cool." Okay cool.