love

There are a lot of nouns that have been on my mind recently that I thought would make for good blogposts following the one on excellence, such as GLORY or FREEDOM ('murica lol jk), but I guess while it's still fresh on my heart, I want to turn to LOVE first.

One of the weird-ish things that I do when I go home to Jersey for a weekend is to rifle through old mementos-- i.e., family photos from the '90s, high school yearbooks, random cards from birthdays of long ago, and my journals from college.  Last weekend, while reading through some of my old journal entries, I realized once again that I was so fragile in college.  (Some parts of this blog might attest to that already!)  I thought I was so self-aware and insightful, perhaps even wise and mature at times, but nope-- I was a bona fide noob.  And even my emotions had emotions.  It was a wild time.

I struggled so much with finding my identity then: who was I to God?  Who was I in Christ?  Who was the Holy Spirit prompting me to become?  And I carried some of these questions into law school as well, as I took my first steps into cementing(?) a career for the foreseeable future.  I was aware that this was a struggle while I was going through these life stages (especially my horrendously aimless sophomore year), but it hit me while reflecting this time around that, at the root of it all, the real question (asked with a fearful heart and a small voice) was:  Was I loved?  (And relatedly, could I be loved to the extent that I desired love?)

And time and time again, the Lord told me and showed me that yes, indeed, I was loved-- so much more loved than I could ever measure, comprehend, or handle.  I felt the true weight of Jesus' sacrifice, I experienced the redemption of my soul, I was able to ponder the ways in which He has always gently guided me and quietly patched up my wounds along the way.  But through it all, I could not understand why some sisters got so giggly and moony-eyed about Jesus and called Him the Lover of their souls and blushed at Song of Solomon and photographed their "date with Jesus" with a soft lighted Mayfair-filtered brush.  Like, seriously? 

Because.  As deeply as I felt His love, it felt detached to the extent that it was not an intimate love-- He is my Heavenly Father, so while I knew that He loves me so much that He would die for me (and indeed, Jesus did), there was a wall there that kept that love from being too intimate.  He could not be both my loving Father and an attentive & intentional Lover-- that was just beyond my comprehension and my comfort level. 

But there came a point almost exactly a year ago where I was in service and I suddenly thought a thought that came out of my heart with complete honesty: I am most myself and most content when I am with You.  It wasn't really all that romantic, but just an acknowledgment that I knew that I was known by Him and loved by Him, and knowing Him and loving Him was the most secure and sure thing.  I still wasn't feeling the whole Lover of my soul thing.

Fast-forward to this year, and even just a month ago, I probably would have said, yeah, no, still not feeling it.  But the winds of change seem to be blowing through, and I think I am starting to see a little bit at a time what all the hullabaloo has been.  (Interestingly enough, a lot of the revelation has been coming through music, which I will discuss in a bit.)

I see His patience and His kindness, and I am not only humbled and thankful the way that a child might realize the error of her ways and step into her parent's arms with hypothetical tail tucked between legs, but I am also touched-- how could He be so good to me?  

I read of His promises and His power, and I am not only hopeful and fearless the way that a servant/soldier might come to trust in her master's/commanding officer's directions, but I am also impressed-- how could there be someone so mighty and important who is also relentlessly attentive to me?

I think of how He exults over me with loud singing and I'm like yo, You are a musical dude (Dude?) and You have a perfect voice (no tone-deafness, no key range limits, no missed intros and choruses) and that is awe.some. 

And that is how I have come to slowly accept that yes, perhaps, He is indeed the Lover of my soul.  Yes, perhaps, I am loved to an even more personal degree than I could have imagined.  Yes, perhaps, I truly can love Him with an intensity and intentionality of which I thought only my future husband might be able to get a glimpse (or two, if he's well-behaved).  It is scary-- I don't know why-- but it is also very freeing.  I want to know Him more, I want to hear Him more clearly, I want to be where He is and see the things He sees and do the things He does.  I have much to learn from Him; I have much to receive from Him!  What a natural doter He is, if only I would let Him dote upon me even more.  

So, returning to the whole music thing-- I have to admit that although I casually liked Bethel songs, I wasn't sold on all the touchy-feely-ness of many of their popular tracks.  And it's not like I believe that every single worship song ever should contain some reference to the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ to be sung, but I just wasn't sure that all the songs had to be so lovey-dovey either.  But one of the songs that has been so powerful to me in the past few months has been "Pieces", especially because of the line that says: "Your love is proud to be seen with me."

Man.  Just pouring out my heart to the faceless interwebs now-- that line cuts so deep down to one of my greatest insecurities... that I am not someone to be proud to be seen with and claimed as theirs.  Not professionally, not family-wise (my grandparents are a great ego boost in this regard el oh el), not even friends-wise (because I have at least one best friend who likes claiming me as her best friend, I think).  But romantically speaking, how utterly fragile and pessimistic have I been in this regard-- believing that I am to be tucked away, to be thought about later when schedules and brain spaces free up, simply second best to everything else (so really, not "second" best at all).  But it's different with Him, the song declares.  He is unashamed to say-- I lay claim to this woman.  Isn't she pretty neat?  (What girl wouldn't swoon at those statements?  Of course, assuming they are coming from a man she loves back, because a complete stranger or someone that is a hard pass is another story el oh el oh el) And I love Him for that-- the most holy One, the most righteous One, the most perfect One, who has the most reason out of anyone ever to not be proud to be seen with me... He is the one who consistently, unabashedly, unironically, with enthusiasm, takes my hand and lifts it high and says, yup, this is the real deal.  People who know me well enough know that I don't really have strong positive emotions (except, inexplicably, when it comes to corgis), but I can't tell you how happy these revelations make me.  

In any event, the song that has really been on repeat in my head is "You Delight In Me", by Sean Feucht, because (I love the bridge and) the declaration that He delights in me is such a simple reminder of all that I have narrated above.  I will close with a sampling of the lyrics (PSA: in my unprofessional opinion, video/audio is likely not guaranteed to stay up because Youtube+copyright reasons but who knows lol):

Oh, what a love came and filled my emptiness.
What I thought was my end was only Your beginning.
Oh, what a joy, this life that I live, to be favored in Your eyes. 

You delight in me (x4) 

Your pleasure shatters all my defenses.
Your kindness melts away my offenses.
Your beauty demands all my attentions.
I know I capture all Your affections.

"Yes, Lord; you know that I love you."