control

I apologize in advance for the vagueness in the next sentence, but oh wells.

/In some ways, this feels like the last stage-- addressing my need for control./

Koreans talk about this thing called 눈치 (noonchi), which Wikipedia defines as: "a Korean concept signifying the subtle art and ability to listen and gauge others' moods"-- and which others would summarize as "tact" or "self-awareness".  Having noonchi is a good thing for the most part (although too much of it might mean that you care way too much about pleasing others or what other people think or fitting in with other people), and in some ways, I'm pretty proud of the fact that I have a good amount of noonchi.

Thinking about why that is, it's not really because I'm proud of the fact that I can read other people period, but rather, I'm proud of the fact that I can read other people and act accordingly and thereby be in control of that relationship or social interaction to a certain extent.  I don't need to be told to do X or say Y because I already know, I've already perceived, and I've already determined the exact response/reaction/outlook I should have.  It makes for a savvy coworker (anticipating and meeting the needs of bosses/colleagues) and an obedient daughter (doing the right thing before being told what to do), but perhaps not always the most receptive child of God.  It keeps me from being honest with Him about where I am and how I feel and from being still in His presence because I'm always trying to anticipate what He's trying to tell me or teach me instead of just waiting and watching with Him. 

"Surely you're about to show me X, Lord."
"Surely you're going to say Y, Lord."
"Of course, this is the point where You say, okay, too bad so sad time to go back to reality."
"And this is the point where I'll have to look back and see that You closed this door for a reason and I will shake my head at my ridiculousness, right?" 

But He's saying-- Daughter, please. stop. talking.  Stop guessing what I'm about to do or what I'm trying to say.  Stop trying to finish my sentences for me.  Stop trying to know everything about everything.  Just wait and watch with me.  Pray.  Sing.  Laugh.  Enjoy.  You know me, you say you trust me, so why do you still worry?  Why are you still writing novels on your own?  Why can't you just wait for your story to unfold?

I am chastened.  

But I am hopeful.  This hope is a little bud inside of me-- frankly, I'm afraid it will suddenly die out of nowhere one day (like my succulent, Felix), but I must trust that (1) He is not cruel so (2) even if it did "die" all of a sudden, He is in control and He will revive that hope somehow somewhen. 

I put all of my trust in You-- not in my own abilities or plans or instincts, but I will wait, I will watch, I will listen. 

Meditations--

". . . God is in heaven and you are on earth.  Therefore let your words be few."  Ecc. 5:2

Also: lyrics from "Looking for a Savior" by United Pursuit--

i abandon my addiction to the certainty of life and my need to know everything