adele therapy

a|b

There are things to hope for,
and then there are other things for which hoping is pointless—

Not because the act of hoping itself is pointless—

But because it is foolish to not be hoping for the "something better" that He has in store.

parentally advised content

I am 21 years old. Which means technically — aka legally — I am an adult and I can make my own decisions and all that fun stuff...(actually, I don't really know what being 21 means in terms of legal privileges...shoot. #hopefullyfuturelawyerfail)

But today, when my parents stopped by to drop off some things and my mom kept worrying over me and asking about everything and etc etc, I realized once again how much I depend on my parents, how much comfort I get from them, and how much I need someone to just take care of me & not expect anything of me every once in a while.

Here in college land, as I see my fellow senior friends rushing to OCR info sessions and working at various jobs to "bring home the bacon" and managing classes with extra-curriculars and serving and some semblance of a social life, I can't help but think - wow. We are really preparing for the real world now, huh? Wow. We are all so on top of everything, with so many responsibilities to uphold and opportunities to pursue. We are all slowly becoming independent adults (though we are still enclosed in this safe college bubble most of the time) and there is no turning back.

And then all of a sudden, my parents show up and I am just a kid. I'm only 21 years old. I don't know anything, I don't know how to do anything, I can't sustain myself as well as I would like to. And whereas when I was younger, I would have disliked that feeling, that feeling of being looked upon as immature and unable to fend for myself, today I really welcomed it. Only two weeks into school and already I am in need of my parents, oh dear. Sad, but true.

But not only do I have my earthly parents, who would do everything (in their limited human power) to make sure I am happy and healthy, I also have a heavenly Father, who did do and daily does everything (in His infinite and awesome power) to give me joy and life. So why should I feel helpless? I have the greatest support system and source of strength possible.

So while I began this morning with a sense of exhaustion and anxiety, I am comforted this afternoon by my parents' brief but blessing visit and this reminder of God's grace. PTL!

Back to running this marathon called life!

child-like faith and grown-up attitude

This year is all about having a child-like faith and a grown-up attitude.

That is, God is asking me to completely surrender myself to His will and His ways, trusting that He, as my heavenly Father, desires to give me good things and bring me to a good place for my own good. Like a child holding her father's hand and being led without protest or anxiety — that is the kind of faith God wants me to have (once again).

At the same time, He is also asking me to be a grown-up in attitude, not letting myself get down because of certain unmet expectations, relational difficulties, insecurities, overthinking of overthoughts. "Come now, let us reason together."

To be a child and an adult all at once...oh man.

starting at square one...again.

A lesson in trust, discipline, and perseverance? Because perseverance produces character, and character, hope?

I hope so.

Romans 8:28.

things i'd like to ask God and Penn

1. How did you come to pick me?

mercies new every morning

I've been reminded why it's so important that God's compassions are new every morning...

In the mornings, it's easy for me to feel so excited (super pumped!!!) for this year and what it holds (for my future, for my ministries, for my relationships) but at the end of the day, I already find myself completely exhausted even though I haven't done much intellectually challenging things in the past week or so. I have to be wise about the time that I spend doing x, y, and z, (which is, admittedly, pretty strange because in the past, the lull before the school year usually meant I gladly made time to catch up and hang out with as many people as possible before the actual academic year started.) Here I am...trying to hoard as much time as possible for myself...and it's not really working.

But it's been blessing so far, and I am very happy to be back :)

Here we go again...round 4. The final round.

leah, beloved

Thanks to a tweet by this lady the other day — "Isaac ♥ Rebekah and Jacob ♥ Rachel, ah God is a true romantic! :)" — I (naturally, in my partly cynical but mostly contemplative ways,) started thinking about Leah's story. Poor unloved Leah.

Here is what Scripture says:

Genesis 29

16 Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. 17 Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful. 18 Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, “I’ll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel.”

19 Laban said, “It’s better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me.” 20 So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.

21 Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to lie with her.”

22 So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. 23 But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and gave her to Jacob, and Jacob lay with her. 24 And Laban gave his servant girl Zilpah to his daughter as her maidservant.

25 When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn’t I? Why have you deceived me?”

26 Laban replied, “It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one. 27 Finish this daughter’s bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work.”

28 And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. 29 Laban gave his servant girl Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her maidservant. 30 Jacob lay with Rachel also, and he loved Rachel more than Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years.

Jacob’s Children

31 When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren. 32 Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben, for she said, “It is because the LORD has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now.”
33 She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Because the LORD heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too.” So she named him Simeon.

34 Again she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.” So he was named Levi.

35 She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “This time I will praise the LORD.” So she named him Judah. Then she stopped having children.

I'm not sure I remember what my very first reaction was to the very first time I heard or read this story, but I'm guessing it was probably divided between rooting for Jacob (tricksy Laban separating him from the one he loves) and feeling sorry for the two sisters, who basically had to compete for both Jacob's love and their value as women (ie. who will produce more and/or better babies?) for a good portion of their lives. But coming across this story again a few days ago made me think less about Jacob & Rachel's most awesome love story (yeah, he totally worked his butt off for, as one pastor called him, "the greatest con-man in the Bible" to marry the woman he loved! props) and more about the apparent "third wheel" of this great romance.

What we know about Leah from these verses is the following:

1) She had "weak eyes" - other translations say delicate or lovely, but the word "weak" for me suggests that there was some kind of deficiency there, whether it was just that she needed some glasses or she had sensitive eyes. And that's all the physical description we get for her, because then we find out that her younger sister is the one who got all the good genes and thus toootally stumbles Jacob.

2) She was made to deceive Jacob by her father, Laban - I wonder what she actually thought about the whole ordeal, whether she was forced or whether she had fallen in love with Jacob at some point before...not that it matters, since she would have had to obey her father regardless.

3) She was unloved by Jacob - sure, it says that Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah, but God sees that she was not loved, so we're just gonna roll with: she was unloved by Jacob. And again, did Leah love Jacob? Maybe. Probably? But what's important is that whether she did or not, she still tried to earn his love and still suffered from his apathy.

4) She gives birth to four sons in a row - dude, especially in those times, this was marital GOLD. But did Jacob end up giving her the attention and affection she so desired? Nah.

So reading this, my heart really broke and hurt for Leah. It made me question God's love for this daughter - how could He let this happen? Why was Rachel so favored? (I mean, as if it isn't enough that Jacob is gaga about her...she goes on to give birth to THE Joseph, who becomes mad ballin in Egypt and saves the rest of his brothers/family later on, nbd) Did Leah just live a loveless life for the rest of her days, simply comforted by the fact that she was a successful baby-making machine?

While stewing on behalf of Leah, I got to talk it out with others who had better perspectives on this story. Points like, "without Leah's sons, there might not have been the 12 tribes of Israel", or "without Laban's scheme, it's possible that Leah might not ever have been able to marry because of her 'weak' eyes", got me acknowledging that I have no right to question the soundness of God's plans. But the bottom line is, God definitely loved Leah and hurt for Leah and sought to encourage Leah. And though I didn't see it a few days ago, revisiting the passage again today makes me see that she wasn't just aware of this love (which you can tell from the names she gives her first three sons), but she found joy in this love.

It bothers me that she continually seeks approval from Jacob. (Seriously...every time she names a child out of thanksgiving and then doesn't get the love she desperately desires, I feel like jumping into the Bible and punching Jacob.) But I'm also encouraged that by her fourth son, Judah, she is able to say, "This time I will praise the LORD." Of course, she's human, and once Rachel starts the whole baby war in Chapter 30, Leah's back to pining for Jacob's affections, but it's good that there is even this brief moment in which Leah can stop to acknowledge God's faithfulness and praise Him for His enduring love. And I think you can see that this was the answer that God wanted from Leah all along by the way she momentarily stops having children after this fourth child.

As PA pointed out to me, Jacob never really stops playing favorites - he overly loves Joseph and thus scars the rest of his sons, who are so deeply hurt that they plot to kill this favored brother (luckily, Leah never attempted to kill Rachel...that would have been the bad deals). Jacob was human. His capacity to love was human-sized and the magnitude of his love was also human-sized. But Leah (and yes, Jacob and Rachel too) was loved with a love that was God-sized. The size that enables God to so love the world that He would send His one and only Son to die for us — we who can barely love our families and friends enough in all the ways that they deserve.

There have been times, especially in the last few years, where I've said to God in a fit of anxiety or disappointment or anger, "Your love isn't enough." I know that it's there for the taking, but it's just not enough in the face of x, y, and z. It's not real enough to me right now, sorry. But recently, I've been made to look at the cross again and again and again.

"If it wasn't enough that My Son was pierced for your transgressions, crushed for your iniquities so that you might find peace and healing again...then what would be enough for you?"

Suddenly, a few sweet words and smiles from a man who only knows how to play favorites doesn't seem like such a big thing to miss out on, huh?

Leah was beloved. And so are we.

I wish my life had a soundtrack that accompanied it...it would make situations so much more recognizable as a "happy" scene or a "pensive" scene or a "dangerous" scene or a "freedom!!!" scene or something like that.

reading list

I'm glad that this summer I actually get to read books for fun again. I realized how much I missed it — the feeling of willing myself to continue sitting in the same location in the same pose for hours just so I can make it to the end...of reaching the end of a long chapter/section and setting the book down, thinking I should continue it later, only to just pick it right back up again so I can just finish the whole thing...of turning the last page and feeling satisfied (for the most part) with the literary journey that just occurred.

I don't know why, but I just felt like taking inventory to remember which books I've read haha but perhaps it will also inspire anyone who reads my blog still (which feels far and few in between these days...T_T lol jkjk) to pick up some of these titles!

Waiting by Ha Jin

Humility by CJ Mahaney

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers

The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen

Please Look After Mom by Kyung-sook Shin

A Visit From the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan

Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell

The Prodigal God by Tim Keller

Room by Emma Donoghue

*The Atlantic magazine's fiction issue this summer definitely had a lot of memorable short stories in there; I think reading it is what really got me motivated to start writing again.

I'm trying to think of what other books to read before my summer becomes officially over...I know The Help is a big deal right now, especially with the movie and everything too, but I don't know, for some reason, I'm hesitant to pick it up. Maybe it's because of all the hype that I'm reluctant? Suggestions are welcome!

[On a somewhat related sidenote, I keep coming back to my week 6 assignment from my Shakespeare class last year because part of me wants to develop it into something for my short story collection, and yet, every time I read it (very quick read - it's less than one page single-spaced), it's just too...close for comfort. I like it the way it is, save for a few awkward word choices here and there, but yeah. I don't know. I wonder how memoirists feel o.o]