to be or not to be

I love Sundays not only because of church, or sleeping in, or because my favorite Korean t.v. show is on, but also because that's when Postsecret puts up its new batch of secrets for the week. If you don't know what Postsecret is, you should check it out: http://postsecret.blogspot.com

Basically, this dude Frank decided he wanted to free the world of its skeletons in the closet -those deep dark secrets that have been contorting stomachs and cutting breaths short, or maybe those unspoken confessions of love, those carefully-concealed wounds, the Freudian thoughts that haven't slipped just yet, or even just random silly-funny statements others might find juvenile or crazy. Why? Because some people harbor secrets so insanely constricting that they drive themselves to poisonous thoughts, like committing suicide. 

I'm on fall break until the day after tomorrow, so I came back to New Jersey for a wee bit just to see the fam, eat like a madwoman, and switch out summer-fall clothes for fall-winter clothes. I was in the car, talking to my mom after a shopping trip just like always, and she was like, "Oh yeah. Did you hear about Choi Jin-Shil?" Choi Jin-Shil is a famous actress in Korea, and for some odd reason or another, she always reminded me of my mom, even though they look nothing alike; it could be attributed to the fact that my mom liked watching her dramas a lot. "No, what happened?" "The poor thing committed suicide." My gut sank to my toes. Granted, I did not know her personally in any way, but like I said, she reminded me of my mother, so I almost felt sick. "No way. When?" "Like two weeks ago." Basically, what happened was: there had been rumors circulating that one of her friend's (also a celebrity) husbands had borrowed money from her, fell into huge debt, and was driven to suicide because she kept haggling him about it. Of course, this was not the truth, but after fighting tooth and nail to clear her name, she finally decided to take her own life. 

My mom said, "You know, you'd think that she would have chosen a different path. She's already been through a bunch of hardships, with starving during her childhood because her father had left the family, and even getting a divorce a few years back. Shouldn't she have been a bit stronger about it? Just stop the rumors, stop acting if she didn't like it anymore, pack up and move to the States? People with past troubles should be able to grow and get stronger each time, right?" 

Right? Wrong? Why does a line form between people who are able to grow from their troubles and people who only get one step closer to the tipping point? Where is the tipping point? We joke about "emo" people, Cornell students and their "Suicide Falls", and we casually say, "Omgggg, if I don't get that job, I'm totally going to kill myself" - but what about the people who actually seriously consider this option? Or even follow through? 

To be quite honest, there was a point in senior year where I just got really disillusioned about the life I was leading, about the trivial things, like physics tests and becoming valedictorian and getting into a "good" college, up to fighting with my brother and disappointing my parents and struggling with my faith and the church. I remember freaking out after a really bad test and sitting in my school parking lot in my car and just wanting to drive off into nothing. And all because of minor things like that. Looking back, the fact that this thought even came across my mind is embarrassing. But what about people with real problems? Their pain, frustration, confusion is probably magnified by 100-fold. 

But walking out on your own life should never be the answer. It should never even be AN answer. Life is a miracle, a gift, no matter how you look at it - religiously or non-religiously. I mean really, for a clump of four cells to become a full-fledged human baby by the end of nine months...that's just crazy. There are flowers still to smell, faces to see, music to hear, pumpkin pies to taste, and other lives to touch - why would you want to cut short a life that already is short by default? You know those little ride machines where you stick in a quarter your mom gives you and it moves around for about 3 minutes and then you get out and you're like, "Again, again!" like a freaking Tellytubby? That's life. Sometimes, those rides can be super fun, especially in the beginning, when it begins moving and you're like, whoa. And then maybe towards the end, you realize that it's kind of moving repetitively in the same direction, and you might get bored. But you don't hop off in the middle, because it's a short enough ride as it is, and why would you want to waste that graciously-given quarter? The only difference you have between life and this ride is that when it's done, you can't say, "Again, again!" and potentially receive a new quarter. 

So use your quarter well. Make the most of that ride. Life can get tough, yeah. Life can get tedious, yeah. But don't play God and take your own life. And if you know anyone who could potentially even think something like this...get some help, really. Before they reach the tipping point, and decide that not being would be better. Cuz honestly, there isn't even a question anymore.