hey sista, soul sista

Flow sista, go sista.

(Warning: 1/4 reflection, 1/4 self-assessment, 1/4 rant, 1/4 prayer request.)

I remember when this song first came out. I remember singing it with a bunch of girl friends, thinking that the gichy-gichy ya-ya and the mocha chocolata and the voulez-vous all sounded so scandalous (or so I heard), but it didn't matter because the tune was catchy enough. If you don't have a clue which song this is, it's "Lady Marmalade" from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack.

I've had spots of girly girlfriends throughout my life - my best friend when I was 6 introduced me to the notion of tea time (strawberry tea and cookies); my "best" friends in fourth grade introduced me to dreaming about being pop stars, Morning Glory planners and sticker pictures, and Limited Too; I've cried over Grey's Anatomy and had a period where I actually tried to experiment with make-up (blue eyeliner?).

But despite that, my most prominent childhood memories include playing tag and basketball with my one close girl friend and a bunch of guys in near-freezing weather; playing Mario Party/Kart, Smash, and Pokemon Stadium with the boys whenever our families got together; trying every rainy Thursday to outwit my best guy friend in checkers.

I think I have an identity crisis to some extent - I think part of me wishes I could be on the girly side, but I'm naturally drawn to guy-ish behaviors and attitudes (even though I suck at sports). My closest friends growing up have always been girls, but I think I invested more in individual guy friendships and made them a lot faster.

Which brings me to my current dilemma: I need more girl friends here. I need more sisterly love, I guess - something that I'm not very good at finding or receiving. As an older sibling (of 6 years), I'm not very good at interacting with older sisters or even girls my year; I'm actually better at taking care of younger sisters, I think. And so, the way I treat same-age or older girls might come off as bossy or even condescending, as if I know/have experienced so much...which I haven't, but only because that's the only way I know how. I just show love by taking care of people, doing things for people, advising people, etc. If I don't, I feel almost...useless. I also tend to invest a lot into people, regardless of gender, which means I might get a little too personal sometimes, which could be a turn-off for many people who are either cautious, shy, or more reserved.

But apart from my personal shortcomings - which I acknowledge fully - it seems like such a paradox/Catch-22. (And I know at least one other person agrees with me.) Because my question is this:

They tell me I need to spend more time with girls and grow my girl friendships more, but yet, many don't make themselves available to me (or other girls who feel the same way). I can probably count with one hand the number of times a sister has asked first that we meet up/study together/hang out and then follow through.

People always act out of convenience - people meet up, study, chill, talk, etc. out of convenience, whoever is most available to them. My people just happen to be guys.

And as much as I can apologize for or defend this fact, my conclusion is simple: I need more sisters in my life, and I am willing to make that step forward.

[On an emo sidenote, I guess in a way, it's almost too late right now because the semester's almost over. Sad.]