light

I'm finally free.

I'm finally free because I know what the actual problem with me is.

It's not that I'm:

- not pretty or girly enough, as was my worry in elementary school when it came to receiving admiration from peers

- not talented enough, as was my worry in middle school and senior year of high school when it came to receiving recognition in the music world

- not cool enough, as was my worry in high school when it came to fitting in despite being a "nerd"

- not holy enough, as was my worry freshman year of college when it came to serving and developing certain friendships

- not lovable enough, as was my worry my second semester of freshman year and through the summer when it came to my shortcomings and character flaws

- not smart enough, as was my worry this past semester when it came to academic troubles

My most "unattractive" feature is not what I'm not. It's where I'm not.

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This is my honest confession:

I just finished a book called "Flashbang" by Mark Steele. An older sister had been recommending it since the summer, saying how funny and refreshing and awesome it was, and only now was I able to finally open it and see for myself.

The sub-title (or whatever that phrase/name after the colon is called) is "how i got over myself." I think that's a very accurate description of what I needed to get out of this book. Of course, the book in and of itself has a lot to offer, so I would recommend picking up for sure because each person will get something different out of it - the general point of this book (to me) is figuring out how to live an impact-ful life as a Christian - how to stop just going through the motions and saying you believe and start making "teethmarks" in this world. That's all I'll say, because it's kind of hard to explain :)

But for me, by the end of the book, it was like I hit this revelation that I always knew in the back of my mind but I was afraid to admit it - it kept recurring this semester, and I also recognized it as a habit developed steadily throughout my adolescence.

This passage: "This is what the enemy does. We believe that he grabs onto our wrists as we wrestle and bleed away. But, in actuality, he convinces us to hold onto him. It is our five folded fingers that hold us captive. No one else's." (pg. 208)

As much as I would hate to admit it, I'm quite a "DQ" (drama queen) when it comes to negativity in my life. Throughout high school, at the peak of my stresses (which shouldn't have been so stressful after all), I would regularly break out into tears and shouts and curse words in school, give my friends the cold shoulder as they tried to help, and refuse to come out of that dark spot until I myself was able to finally pull myself together and move forward.

Now, the key phrase in that description is refuse to come out of that dark spot. I think after becoming more Christianified in college, I saw that dark spot as something the enemy was doing - oh, the enemy is getting to me; oh, the enemy is holding me there. But you know what, it's that I myself was refusing (aka a verb) to leave that spot. I would prefer to stay a while in the darkness and let myself wallow, self-pity-fy (I am on a roll with making up words today), before reluctantly trudging out so I could move on with my life.

But why? Why, if I say I'm a Christian who loves and trusts God, why would I want to do such a thing?

I had a lot of excuses:

- It's my way of coping - if you give me 10 minutes to myself, I'll be just fine, so let me be.

- This world, this life that I'm living is not that great - why do you think we're waiting for heaven?

- Being happy all the time is exhausting. I'm not like (insert name here) or (insert second name here) - they're good at being cheerful. I'm not. I'm sarcastic, but I'm realistic.

- And of course, my subconscious thought (I'm embarrassed to admit this on such a public spot, but since we're going for stark honesty here): no one cares if you're happy all the time. No one asks, (as one of my friends said), "How are you really?" if you've got a smile on all the time. People will just pass you by, and then what? You're left to deal with your hurts and issues alone, and there's no sense of that refreshing purging you get from sharing your woes.

And though I might have a point to a certain extent - I'm wrong, on all those levels. I'm not saying I've realized that I should clam up, fake a smile, and stop sharing my true feelings - no, that's just as bad, if not worse. I'm saying, I need to get over myself, step out of the darkness...and into the light.

I'm yelping and causing a scene over a papercut, when as Christ's follower, I should be prepared to bleed. I'm returning to the safe spots of darkness because it's easier, it makes me a pitiable victim, when I should take responsibility and walk confidently in the light. And even if I happen to stumble into darkness again, it's not me pulling myself out; I need to let God pull me out.

So, this New Year's resolution?

I need to unclench these five folded fingers. This will lead to the peace, patience, love, joy that I so desire.

Here's to a fresher, brighter start.