my mother's leather jacket

My mom and I have a tight bond over clothes. It sounds kind of weird, almost materialistic and shallow to some, familiar and nostalgic to others - but in many ways, our clothing has shaped the relationship I have with my mom. (And consequently, of course, shopping: one of my main college application essays had to do with the metaphorical life lessons I had amassed over the years of following my mom around on shopping trips.)

Every time I "inherit" something from my mom, I feel myself getting a little bit older, and I also see how far our family has come financially - the latter of which is another story completely. But in terms of the former, it's kind of weird.

I'm not sure what it started with - maybe the straw-y tote bag that I used for years to bring my hujungous Bible to Bible study on Sundays, or maybe a random sweater (oh, and a very 90's sweater dress that I always kept around thinking I would modernize it and then eventually put it in the donation pile) - but I think her handing down things to me during my adolescence didn't really mean much initially except that I would get new things for free (free for my parents, that is). And even if the things were outdated or ill-fitting, I didn't care, because my mom's a really classically trendy person, so I always felt that much classier when I had something of hers to adorn my own wardrobe of kiddish clutter. One thing I always lament is the fact that we were the same size feet for maybe six months when I was 11 - that is, not an age when it would be appropriate for me to wear such grown-up shoes.

I'm looking at age 20 in about 3.5 months and it's kind of scary. And looking at the things I've inherited makes me realize even more how quickly time is passing.

There's a ring with three irregularly arranged ellipses - the adornment spins around a central point. Lots of people have always commented on this ring ever since my mom gave it to me in my junior year of high school (and I also thought it brought me good luck sometimes on my exams.) I can't believe it's already been so long...but it's my favorite ring and probably will be until I get married. (Maybe even after :P)

Most recently, my mom passed down her brown leather jacket to me. I wear it almost religiously because it's light but warm (if you layer properly) and it's quite nice in general. I remember her saying that there are just some things in her wardrobe that she didn't think a high schooler should wear (not like as in a scandalous way, but as in that they would make me look too old), and I think this was one of them. I went home this past Thanksgiving and brought the jacket along because one of the buttons had fallen off and another was becoming loose. She was a bit surprised that I had worn it so often, and I think part of her felt like I wasn't taking good care of it. But nevertheless, she fixed it up and sent me back to school with it, even though I offered to give it back to her.

There's just something about this jacket that makes me miss my mom and feel like my mom simultaneously. During some break (last winter? spring?) I saw pictures of my mom from when she was about my age, and it's kind of crazy how incredibly fresh-faced and bright my mom looks. My mom still looks very youthful and beautiful at her age right now, but it was kind of weird, because I felt like I was almost looking at myself (although I don't think I look too much like her from when she was young). She always tells me how envious she is of me because I'm still so young and I have so much time to really make the most of every opportunity before I settle down. And even though she feels she still has that kind of energy to single-mindedly pursue life again in her mind, she knows that she is getting old physically and doesn't necessarily have the resources. And though I get stressed out and grumble, I know she's right. Time flies.

I've always kept my mom's wishes for my future plans in the back of my mind. Granted, she tells me I should just be a pharmacist, but I've resisted whole-heartedly. But in terms of just being driven and making every moment count, I know that this is what I should do to really make the most of my college years. I think sometimes when I see my brother make the same mistakes I did or go through the same trials that I did, my heart hurts because I want to help him not do or experience those same things. Now, take that and magnify it by a thousand times, and I think that's how my mom can feel sometimes when she sees me wandering around aimlessly in life. But I'm growing up, and I can see that time is running short. I need to start living with a purpose - not just one that my mom approves of, of course, but also one that will please God and make me happy as well.

So yeah. Now, I have a plan. And I have my God. And of course, I have my mom.

And this jacket, so that I can weather whatever storms ahead even when my mom can't be here.