rEVOLution

(So many things to talk about! Disclaimer: Might be incoherent)

So, this past weekend, I went to GCC Retreat 2010: Elevation at the lovely New Jersey Christian Academy in The Middle of Nowhere, NJ. This year, I did not have to experience very much sulfur in my hair, so I was grateful! The bagels did not taste as good as it did last year, but I did quite enjoy the hummus and the Korean dinner on Saturday.

My retreat story (because we all know that everybody feels compelled to put up a retreat story right after retreat) is quite simple: I learned to love again.

Last year, I was kind of messed up going into retreat, with lots of expectations and way too much unchecked exuberance. To my dismay, I felt kind of isolated when I got there, but during Saturday night prayer, I tearfully reached a revelation that I was loved by God and only needed to be loved by God - that try as I might to fulfill my "like me" hunger by being enthusiastic about unity and community...what I needed the most was just His love for me. Not anyone else's. It was a lesson that I needed to learn over the course of a year as that same revelation had to come to me again and again and again with different trials, doubts, assurances, etc.

But this year, I was in a pretty good place going into retreat - a week before at the Friday night prayer meeting, I reached a sense of peace, climbing out of the overwhelming apathy and bitterness that had been shrouding me beforehand (see previous blogpost). So, the Friday of retreat, I just went with a joyful heart, not expecting too much except to meet with Him.

There was quite a lot of emphasis on the church being a community, and as we had class prayer time and class games time and praying for each other as a church time and praying for the Boston church plant time, I was able to get my mind off of myself and my needs and really become open to others' needs and His voice.

And I received one main conviction: I need to get back into investing into people again.

In the midst of trying to focus on academics and my career plans this year (which has been good for me, no doubt), I simply lost the heart to really care about people regardless of convenience for me.

I can't do it out of obligation.

I can't do it out of one-time sympathy/pity.

I can't do it out of pride - so that I can receive the praises of man and be seen as a "great sister."

I can't do it out of my own measly capabilities to love.

And most importantly, I can't do it with the expectation that I will get something out of it. I have to do it considering that I might be rejected, ignored, despised, and above all else, unrequited.

One sole statement stuck out to me out of all the sermons: that if we desire to be fanatical for Christ, we must be fanatically humble, fanatically compassionate, fanatically patient, fanatically observant.

And this was and is definitely the cry of my heart - like in the song, "Hosanna" (which kills my throat each time and makes my voice crack bah), "Show me how to love like You have loved me."

So this is what it comes down to: I must first love to be loved in return. And if I have any problems with that, well, God loved me first and I am only returning a fraction of that boundless, unconditional love.

It's already February, and by February, that means that hyped up pink day - Valentine's Day - is coming up. And as much as I've complained about it since I stopped receiving those kiddie cards in elementary school (where you're required to give everyone a card or you can't bring any at all), I've come to recognize and admit that I actually really want to be able to celebrate that day (hopefully with someone special...like in 5-10 years sighs lol). But I've been holding back in bitterness and masking that with off-handish statements like "Oh, I actually really dislike this over-commercialized Singles Awareness Day (SAD)" because I feel I've never been "appreciated" even though I think I've done my part in appreciating others.

But you know, love is not about how much you can receive. It's about how much you can give. Or rather, how much you can keep giving even when you don't receive anything.

And so if there's anything I should be discontent with, it should be that I am not yet compassionate and loving enough to get over myself.

But it's okay! I can still grow to love others more genuinely and really become part of the rEVOLution (haha props to RevLove) that Christ began thousands of years ago.

"God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." (1 John 4:16)