dear friend,

This post is for you.

Looking back on this sophomore year, I've come to realize that I have had a major identity crisis. I purposely became fixated on my "own stuff" (i.e. academics, career path, personal spiritual walk, etc.) in the beginning of last semester in order to step back from my crazy in-people's-faces freshman self, and yet, as I find many of those stuffs sitting in rubble, I realize two very important things: 1) I have neglected you so much in my selfishness, aimlessness, and laziness, and 2) I didn't even focus on the things that I gave you up for anyway.

I know you might think that you're the only person that has been forgotten, and that you might be severely disappointed in me. After all, I seemed to try so hard last year/during the summer to keep reaching out. Trust me, it's not that I have forgotten you, or even that I have neglected you alone — but rather, I have neglected many others with you, and even so, you have all been in my thoughts. People might keep saying that I am just too busy, that I have too much on my plate, that I seem to be all over the place, but the truth of the matter is, I've just been locking myself away in my own room, thinking and reflecting too much on myself.

Even to you who has spent time with me, I haven't been able to love you fully. I've taken your presence for granted, dumping my despair and angry&bitter words on you, thinking that you would still stick by me anyway. I have failed to see your exhaustion and your own sadness and discouragement because I was too busy trying to get others to see mine.

And of course, to you from my past — I know I have cut you off, thinking (or perhaps, knowing?) that things would not be the same because I have changed so much. That the ideas, beliefs, and values that I hold and the way that I speak and carry myself might be alarmingly different from the person you knew way back when.

So, I'm sorry.

But...I don't want to sound too emo, so I also want to thank you.

I know that I have been crazy blessed with the amount of love and care that you have shown me, that you kept reaching out when I needed someone to talk to, that you kept pushing me forward even when I wanted to give up. I am so thankful for older sisters and brothers who pray for me and show me what it means to serve, for younger sisters and brothers whose cuteness is refreshing, haha, and perseverance is inspiring.

And I am especially thankful for my class, whose growth and energy has been so encouraging and blessing. I feel absolutely terrible that I have not been able to be there for you through your own struggles and moments of joy — I hardly know of any of your new convictions or new temptations that I should be praying for. But even so, I am so glad to be a part of this body, and I hope I don't waste any more time stuck in the psychoanalysis of my own identity.

I have come to know I'm not defined by the people around me or what they think or say about me, but one thing is for sure: caring for you makes me stop thinking about what I lack and how "miserable" I am.

So, thank you for being in my life. I'm not perfect, so I can't guarantee that I will instantly become a better friend, but just know that I will at least try from now on.

Love,

Sarah