i must decrease because He must increase

It's our confession, Lord, that we are weak

So very weak

But you are strong.

I will be the first to admit that I am often weak-willed.
Each time I'm broken, God has spoiled me by providing exactly what I need and moreover, His grace. I come out of it with renewed joy and a firm willingness to live only for Him, but over time, those feelings get eroded by the things of this world and the darkness of the enemy planted in my heart. And then when I am thus broken again, I get impatient during the process and wonder when He's ever going to make things better, because I know I have tasted His sweetness before.
It's never that I doubt God's character - it's more that I worry that He's left me to fend for myself this time because I've disobeyed and rejected Him.

But God says, "I will be with you. I will carry you through all of this. It might suck, but I promise I have a greater plan in mind. Face your sins. Face your fears."

And then just like when Moses told God that he's incapable of talking to the Pharaoh - "Since I speak with faltering lips, why would Pharaoh listen to me?" (Exodus 6:30), I say, God, I can't possibly make it through this - I'm too downtrodden, I'm not qualified, I'm inadequate. I'm falling apart, even You - You who created me - can't fix me soon enough.
And just like God told him then, He's been saying to me now, "Don't worry. Just do it. I will be with you."

And though we've nothing, Lord, to lay at your feet

We come to your feet and say

Help us along

So, in my nothingness, with not much to show for myself except a reluctant yet desperate heart, I went to God many times this past year. Sometimes I would ask Him to use me, even though I'm only human and just another body in this sea of believers. Many times, I would complain and moan and cry, asking why He had forsaken me, why He allowed me to stumble and fall and face head-on the various mistakes and wrongdoings I had committed with what seemed like no mercy. And all the time, I asked Him to help me - that just like His Son promised, I would be given what I asked for.

A broken heart and a contrite spirit

You have yet to deny

But what I forgot to remember was, I had asked for one, or maybe two, very general yet specific things before all of this began - that I would grow in my faith and that I would be able to see His glory.

And wow, did I get exactly what I was asking for.

Your heart of mercy beats with love's strong current

Let the river flow by your Spirit now, Lord we cry

And this is when I realize what a perfect planner He is - the author and perfecter of my faith - and also, how jealous He can get.

Almost immediately (I would say about 20-30 min?) after I published my previous rant-y/selfish/blah blog entry, I got a direct answer from Him in the form of an email. (will explain to you directly if you ask) I had actually gotten an email earlier from a different person, but I essentially disregarded it because I was too preoccupied with the fact that I felt skeptical that things would turn out well.

And then, after whining to a friend about the lack of joy I still felt at this whole situation (despite being supremely thankful in my heart) - that I had actually really wanted something else, God goes ahead and gives that to me too today.

And you know, it's funny how this happens during Passion Week, as opposed to any other week. I mean, He only had like 20+ weeks...

But I see clearly that it's because He had mercy on me. After this past weekend, having been encouraged by another sister that it'll be over soon, He heard my frustrated, immature and unbelieving cries and said, "Hey. Look. I'm right here, see? I said I would go with you. I said I would carry you. Why are you fighting these hands? Don't you see the end of the tunnel?"

And then the jealousy came out and added, "Hey. This is MY Passion Week. I want you to get your eyes off of yourself and focus on me. Focus on the fact that I gave up my one and only Son for you. Though you were nothing, though you had flaws, though you sinned against me, I came to deliver you. It doesn't matter what the world says. It doesn't matter what you think you know. I am the LORD your God."

Let Your mercies fall from heaven
Sweet mercies flow from heaven
New mercies for today
Shower them down Lord as we pray

And so, here I am. Embarrassed of my weakness and faithlessness, repenting of my pride and self-centeredness, but hopeful for the imminent joy and completely, totally humbled by His majesty.

I know I've probably quoted this verse 50 million times on this blog already (okay, maybe just twice), but I go back to it all the time because it is so. true.

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)