beware of self-awareness

At the suggestion of an older brother, I started reading the "My Utmost for His Highest" devotional daily and it's been pretty good so far. Sometimes, it feels a little rebuke-y, why-can't-you-lay-down-your-life-for-Christ?!?! -ish, but generally, I like it because it gives me something to think about for the day.

Today's shook me up more than usual because of the word (2 words?) "self-pity." It says that "self-pity is satanic." I was taken aback, because though I've always known that it's bad and always heard from my parents that I have too much of it, it was odd to hear straight up - that it's satanic. And I've always wondered: where does self-pity even come from? Well, I suggest you read the message on your own, but it basically says that it originates in self-awareness.

...um. And how exactly does that relate?

According to a super reliable source called Wikipedia, (created for lazy people like me,) "self-awareness is the awareness of self as separate from the thoughts that are occurring at any point in time...[it] gives one the option or choice to choose thoughts being thought rather than simply thinking the thoughts that are stimulated from the accumulative events leading up to the circumstances of the moment." So, going back to the reading, the second-to-last paragraph is what made me think, because those are all traps that I've fallen into during my faith walk. It reads:

"A complete life is the life of a child. When I am fully conscious of my awareness of Christ, there is something wrong. It is the sick person who really knows what health is. A child of God is not aware of the will of God because he is the will of God. When we have deviated even slightly from the will of God, we begin to ask, “Lord, what is your will?” A child of God never prays to be made aware of the fact that God answers prayer, because he is so restfully certain that God always answers prayer."

Interesting. During my sophomore year, I was continually looking for a way to rest, a way to gather my thoughts and figure things out once and for all, and yet every time I thought I had found sanctuary - in breaks, in visits home, in my bed - I was always more disturbed. Why? Because I was constantly taking a step back and looking at my life, willing it to change through my frantic thoughts. I kept separating myself from the situation in my mind and I wanted to think out a solution, but there wasn't one to be found. I had no rest, no matter how hard I tried to hoard my time so I could have time to "rest."

But finding rest is pretty straight-forward, says Chambers: "Simply ask the Lord to give you Christ-awareness, and He will steady you until your completeness in Him is absolute."

So, where else do I turn but to Jesus to find sweet rest? "I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves us," says the song. Being at peace with the knowledge that He is there, has been there, and will always be there - that's what I need in these days leading up to my journey back to Penn.