happy birthday, BTAS!

I'll admit that I was a sentimental dork and marked off this date during the summer to remind myself to write a post. THREE YEARS OF BREAKING THE AWKWARD SILENCE! There's just something about this three year anniversary that makes it feel so monumental and worth noting. Perhaps it's because I know I started off this blog as a silly+naive (weren't we all?) freshman and here I am, writing as a big+bad (but mostly good?) senior. So much has happened in the last three years...and honestly, sometimes I cringe when I read super old entries because I can so clearly hear the immaturity of my freshman self aka my pedantic tendencies coming out (you know, with all that wisdom from high school...) I will probably say the same thing in three years about the me writing this entry now, but until then, I will be as immature and pedantic a college senior as I want.

This blog has meant so much to me over the past three years that it seems cheesy to try to describe my sentiments with words. After all, it's seen my cultural/Biblical/linguistic commentary, usually unfinished fiction+partly emo poetry, delirious venting, crazy revelations, musical obsessions, and my own personal work-in-progress story (among many other things). And the really funny thing is, I don't even think the title of the blog is relevant to its content at all anymore...awkward. But anyways, after reflecting on my trajectory as you've seen it on BTAS, I guess I can say two very simple statements:

1. Life moves on.

Many entries on this blog have been the result of in-the-moment thoughts+emotions. This is unsurprising, of course, considering that the nature of blogging is one of instantaneous sharing. But it's just funny to look back at some of the things I've written — my verbal snapshots, so to say — and though yes, a picture is worth a thousand words, a thousand words are worth a thousand words too, and some of these thousands of words have betrayed a lot of in-the-moment confusion, anxiety, heartbrokenness, discouragement, helplessness. And yet others have captured sheer excitement and joy and passion, in all their exclamation points and caps-lock glory. Which helps me to see once again the truth of the statement, this too shall pass. The hours I dreaded with worry, the hours I anticipated with excitement, they have all come to pass. Life is constantly moving forward towards the ultimate end we see in Ephesians 1, so in the meantime, we should be moving too, unencumbered by a particular situation or setback, because life moves on.

2. Life is exciting. (Or rather, Life is exciting!)

Sure, life is exciting because there are always new things to see, do, feel, learn, etc. Even if I go through a pretty routine schedule, no two days will be alike, even if for the sole reason that the weather is different. But the bigger reason why life is so exciting is because every day, whether good or bad, I am one step closer to being the woman God has designed for me to be and one step closer to realizing the plan God has for my life. This blog has been somewhat of a map of all these footprints. And while it's fun to be able to look back at my journey so far, I'm glad that this blog will be around (at least for the next seven months) to record more of it (and all its exciting moments!) in the future. 

I don't know what else to add to this terribly self-indulgent celebration of my blog's existence except maybe say thank you to anyone who has ever taken the time to read all this craziness and sign off with a fun song/music video :)

promises we made, plans we didn't keep

Sorry, flashbacks again.

I get surprised when I realize this place is still so full of you. I walk into a space or I see something in the distance or I read a sign on the street or I hear a particular sound and there you are. Though you aren't.

But don't worry, no need to worry; you'd be relieved to know that these days, I can easily pass things by and not think twice. It's just that every so often, if I bother to strain my ears or count the lights or walk the blocks, I notice. I remember. I want to ask:

When did you leave?
&
Did you see me? In the interlude, when it approached 5 PM or 2 AM, when the balmy air ruffled your hair, when you drank bittersweetness from a mug and doodled on Post-It notes, when your heater roared for a few minutes before abruptly shutting off, when you heard someone harmonizing with the radio — did you see me too?

What did you keep, and what did you throw away?

What did you keep,
and what did you throw away?

Lord help me

Recently, it has been so easy for me to get frustrated and angry and upset about every small little thing that doesn't go my way, especially in the evening hours. I am more willing to be gracious in the morning, but by the time it's gotten late and I'm tired and I still have things I wanted to finish an hour ago...all grace is gone. I want people to not talk loudly or turn up their music on their headphones loudly (because hello, we can actually hear that music loudly if you've turned up the volume to super loud) or chew loudly (pet peeve actually) or even BREATHE loudly...and yes, I know I am being such a hypocrite because there are days when I don't feel like working and I keep talking every 20 minutes and being a major distraction to some people...but AHHHHH I want this assignment to be done and for my fall break to begin!

Okay. Such an unblessing blogpost but hey, I am human too.

adele therapy

a|b

There are things to hope for,
and then there are other things for which hoping is pointless—

Not because the act of hoping itself is pointless—

But because it is foolish to not be hoping for the "something better" that He has in store.

parentally advised content

I am 21 years old. Which means technically — aka legally — I am an adult and I can make my own decisions and all that fun stuff...(actually, I don't really know what being 21 means in terms of legal privileges...shoot. #hopefullyfuturelawyerfail)

But today, when my parents stopped by to drop off some things and my mom kept worrying over me and asking about everything and etc etc, I realized once again how much I depend on my parents, how much comfort I get from them, and how much I need someone to just take care of me & not expect anything of me every once in a while.

Here in college land, as I see my fellow senior friends rushing to OCR info sessions and working at various jobs to "bring home the bacon" and managing classes with extra-curriculars and serving and some semblance of a social life, I can't help but think - wow. We are really preparing for the real world now, huh? Wow. We are all so on top of everything, with so many responsibilities to uphold and opportunities to pursue. We are all slowly becoming independent adults (though we are still enclosed in this safe college bubble most of the time) and there is no turning back.

And then all of a sudden, my parents show up and I am just a kid. I'm only 21 years old. I don't know anything, I don't know how to do anything, I can't sustain myself as well as I would like to. And whereas when I was younger, I would have disliked that feeling, that feeling of being looked upon as immature and unable to fend for myself, today I really welcomed it. Only two weeks into school and already I am in need of my parents, oh dear. Sad, but true.

But not only do I have my earthly parents, who would do everything (in their limited human power) to make sure I am happy and healthy, I also have a heavenly Father, who did do and daily does everything (in His infinite and awesome power) to give me joy and life. So why should I feel helpless? I have the greatest support system and source of strength possible.

So while I began this morning with a sense of exhaustion and anxiety, I am comforted this afternoon by my parents' brief but blessing visit and this reminder of God's grace. PTL!

Back to running this marathon called life!

child-like faith and grown-up attitude

This year is all about having a child-like faith and a grown-up attitude.

That is, God is asking me to completely surrender myself to His will and His ways, trusting that He, as my heavenly Father, desires to give me good things and bring me to a good place for my own good. Like a child holding her father's hand and being led without protest or anxiety — that is the kind of faith God wants me to have (once again).

At the same time, He is also asking me to be a grown-up in attitude, not letting myself get down because of certain unmet expectations, relational difficulties, insecurities, overthinking of overthoughts. "Come now, let us reason together."

To be a child and an adult all at once...oh man.

starting at square one...again.

A lesson in trust, discipline, and perseverance? Because perseverance produces character, and character, hope?

I hope so.

Romans 8:28.

things i'd like to ask God and Penn

1. How did you come to pick me?

mercies new every morning

I've been reminded why it's so important that God's compassions are new every morning...

In the mornings, it's easy for me to feel so excited (super pumped!!!) for this year and what it holds (for my future, for my ministries, for my relationships) but at the end of the day, I already find myself completely exhausted even though I haven't done much intellectually challenging things in the past week or so. I have to be wise about the time that I spend doing x, y, and z, (which is, admittedly, pretty strange because in the past, the lull before the school year usually meant I gladly made time to catch up and hang out with as many people as possible before the actual academic year started.) Here I am...trying to hoard as much time as possible for myself...and it's not really working.

But it's been blessing so far, and I am very happy to be back :)

Here we go again...round 4. The final round.