light

I'm finally free.

I'm finally free because I know what the actual problem with me is.

It's not that I'm:

- not pretty or girly enough, as was my worry in elementary school when it came to receiving admiration from peers

- not talented enough, as was my worry in middle school and senior year of high school when it came to receiving recognition in the music world

- not cool enough, as was my worry in high school when it came to fitting in despite being a "nerd"

- not holy enough, as was my worry freshman year of college when it came to serving and developing certain friendships

- not lovable enough, as was my worry my second semester of freshman year and through the summer when it came to my shortcomings and character flaws

- not smart enough, as was my worry this past semester when it came to academic troubles

My most "unattractive" feature is not what I'm not. It's where I'm not.

----

This is my honest confession:

I just finished a book called "Flashbang" by Mark Steele. An older sister had been recommending it since the summer, saying how funny and refreshing and awesome it was, and only now was I able to finally open it and see for myself.

The sub-title (or whatever that phrase/name after the colon is called) is "how i got over myself." I think that's a very accurate description of what I needed to get out of this book. Of course, the book in and of itself has a lot to offer, so I would recommend picking up for sure because each person will get something different out of it - the general point of this book (to me) is figuring out how to live an impact-ful life as a Christian - how to stop just going through the motions and saying you believe and start making "teethmarks" in this world. That's all I'll say, because it's kind of hard to explain :)

But for me, by the end of the book, it was like I hit this revelation that I always knew in the back of my mind but I was afraid to admit it - it kept recurring this semester, and I also recognized it as a habit developed steadily throughout my adolescence.

This passage: "This is what the enemy does. We believe that he grabs onto our wrists as we wrestle and bleed away. But, in actuality, he convinces us to hold onto him. It is our five folded fingers that hold us captive. No one else's." (pg. 208)

As much as I would hate to admit it, I'm quite a "DQ" (drama queen) when it comes to negativity in my life. Throughout high school, at the peak of my stresses (which shouldn't have been so stressful after all), I would regularly break out into tears and shouts and curse words in school, give my friends the cold shoulder as they tried to help, and refuse to come out of that dark spot until I myself was able to finally pull myself together and move forward.

Now, the key phrase in that description is refuse to come out of that dark spot. I think after becoming more Christianified in college, I saw that dark spot as something the enemy was doing - oh, the enemy is getting to me; oh, the enemy is holding me there. But you know what, it's that I myself was refusing (aka a verb) to leave that spot. I would prefer to stay a while in the darkness and let myself wallow, self-pity-fy (I am on a roll with making up words today), before reluctantly trudging out so I could move on with my life.

But why? Why, if I say I'm a Christian who loves and trusts God, why would I want to do such a thing?

I had a lot of excuses:

- It's my way of coping - if you give me 10 minutes to myself, I'll be just fine, so let me be.

- This world, this life that I'm living is not that great - why do you think we're waiting for heaven?

- Being happy all the time is exhausting. I'm not like (insert name here) or (insert second name here) - they're good at being cheerful. I'm not. I'm sarcastic, but I'm realistic.

- And of course, my subconscious thought (I'm embarrassed to admit this on such a public spot, but since we're going for stark honesty here): no one cares if you're happy all the time. No one asks, (as one of my friends said), "How are you really?" if you've got a smile on all the time. People will just pass you by, and then what? You're left to deal with your hurts and issues alone, and there's no sense of that refreshing purging you get from sharing your woes.

And though I might have a point to a certain extent - I'm wrong, on all those levels. I'm not saying I've realized that I should clam up, fake a smile, and stop sharing my true feelings - no, that's just as bad, if not worse. I'm saying, I need to get over myself, step out of the darkness...and into the light.

I'm yelping and causing a scene over a papercut, when as Christ's follower, I should be prepared to bleed. I'm returning to the safe spots of darkness because it's easier, it makes me a pitiable victim, when I should take responsibility and walk confidently in the light. And even if I happen to stumble into darkness again, it's not me pulling myself out; I need to let God pull me out.

So, this New Year's resolution?

I need to unclench these five folded fingers. This will lead to the peace, patience, love, joy that I so desire.

Here's to a fresher, brighter start.

fat fotos

As per Quistine's request, here are some pictures from the things I have baked so far! (Warning: they are not that pretty-looking but they taste all right :P)

Miniature Cheesecakes

(Fail) Coconut Macaroons

I put wayyyyy too much sugar in them by accident :/

Pistachio-Lemon Cookies (& a nice cup of milk)

Chocolate Chip Cookies

Chocolate Chip Cookies close-up

My family and I are going to get super fat this winter break. Yay!

oven happy

Okay, it's official.

My femininity is finally rising up within me after 19.75 years of my life, and I have been beckoned into the kitchen. Gasp.

I haven't made much at all yet, only mini-cheesecakes and French toast so far, but I have a long line-up of things I plan to make in these next two weeks. And my mind is going crazy because I've discovered all these different desserts I want to make and yet the recipes call for so many (3 dozen, 4 dozen...0_o my family can't possibly eat those many cookies!) so I'm doing my best to do simple math and yet come up with measurable amounts (how does one produce 1/4 of an egg?)

Tonight's endeavors will include green tea cookies and either coconut macaroons or chocolate chip cookies.

Upcoming efforts:

More Desserts/Baked Goods: Pistachio-lemon cookies, whichever of the two I didn't make tonight, rosemary-parmesan shortbread, Earl Grey tea cookies, green tea pound cake?

Mom's Birthday Dinner: Steak (which I think my dad will grill instead LOL), grilled asparagus, mashed potatoes, some sort of salad I have to decide on, a cake if I feel adventurous

Anyway...I am SUPER excited and I just found the cutest baking blog (this girl is a cupcake MASTER): milkandhoneycafe.blogspot.com :)

But man, baking costs a lot of money if you've never done it before 0_o

Suggestions are welcome!

keep holding on

Okay guys.

Stop.

Close your eyes.

Breathe.

Praise God for one thing at this moment.

Open your eyes.

Re-focus.

Sometimes, in the midst of our determination to do well, right the wrongs of the past, prove to ourselves that we are not wholly incompetent and that our efforts actually mean something, we forget the basics of just chilling out and praising Him. I know I do.

I think my first instinct in the depths of frustration is to lash out and say things like, what good is my prayer and petition about something stupid like grades and motivation to study? I'm pretty much doomed regardless. Sometimes, we all reach a point where we just want to throw our pens down, shut off our laptops, and put our brains on hold - there's just no hope. There's nothing good in this moment - in this world, for that matter. Rawr rawr rawr.

But you know, God is so much bigger than my worries and my own inadequacies. He is the one who leads me, He is the one who gives me peace that transcends all understanding. He is the one with the master plan, so that when my little endeavors sometimes don't work out, He will use those failures to put me somewhere higher than before.

He goes before us, He shields our ways. So why do we fear? Why do we doubt? Why do we - particularly I - refuse to let Him help us/me? Indeed, it is no use to sit around idly and ask for a miracle (especially with academics and even moreso with results), but it is certain that even when our best efforts don't meet the mark, He will bridge the gap.

I had a brother tell me recently: "Sarah. If God wants you in law school, He will put you there." And He's right. Just like my place in heaven is already secured, my place in law school is already secured if I just trust in Him and persevere (because we do have to hold up our end of the deal.) And your place in med school, grad school, that company, (that significant other's arms, even) is already secured as well.

So, I guess the moral of the story is (since I must get back to studying) - study hard. Have faith. No regrets. God will get you where He wants you to be. Hang in there!

LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;
you have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.

Psalm 16:5-8

i need Him

I feel like I've been putting God on the backburner for a few weeks. Kind of like that really really close friend you know you should give a call but you've been so caught up with life that it slips past you.

And weird as it is to say, I really miss Him.

And yeah, it's not like He ever left me or that I ever left Him, but more like I just haven't taken time to really be still in His presence. I've been absorbed in finding time for people, focusing my energy on studying - and when not studying, "resting" my brain by watching mindless TV shows/Youtube videos/movies - and sleeping. But as I've come to this tired and weary spot, this state of frustration and anxiety, I realize - I must do all things AND rest only through Him.

Something that's weird - I always seem to be listening to secular music when I'm not with Him, and when I return to listening to Christian music, I suddenly feel a rush of warmth. Like every time I participate in worship during FNL, I feel SO refreshed. Something about singing in this empty room in Meyerson while taking notes is just incredibly calming.

So, basically, I need to listen to Christian music all the time. Or at least be praising Him in my heart at every moment.

For He is good, He is above all things.

His love endures forever.

And now the weak say I have strength.

By the spirit of power that raised Christ from the dead.

And I will fear no evil, for my God is with me.

Whom then shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear?

And where would I be, without You?

Without You?

focus!

I was looking forward to Reading Days SO much so that I could have like at least 12+ hours to study for everything EVERY DAY.

But now that they're here, and they're slipping away one by one...it's really frustrating to realize that I'm not really getting much done at all, and I don't know what to do about it.

I should probably pray even more for diligence and patience. Sighs.

I just want to DANCE.

a smiley sunshine in return

I have a friend named Susan.

She is full of hilarious stories and comments, good will, and love.

She runs a blog: http://xosmileysunshine.blogspot.com/

It's pretty amazing, because sometimes I have a tendency to go through a day noting all the weird/rude people I encounter. In fact, I could tell you of three different very rude people I saw today. But as I observed the third person today as I waited in line in Houston Hall for my pasta - he told me and this other guy to "get out of the way" so he could order (although the ordering end was on the other side), and then annoyingly complained to the worker there that they switched the line process - I thought about writing about how some people in this world can be so self-centered and party pooperish and then I stopped myself. And thought of how happy Susan's blog makes me just from me reading it.

For her to take notice of the goodness in people, and then be glad and rejoice that such people exist...that's pretty awesome.

So, here's a shout-out to my friend Susan :)

I hope I can start noticing the positive encounters I have too!

don't stop believing

So, I don't even know how I got to watch this video, but it definitely brought back memories:

I'm not the biggest fan of Tyra, and I think that in many ways, the "popular" girls were probably over-acting in order to garner more attention, but I can't believe how happy I was for the "misfit" kids to meet the cast of Glee.

The girl in the yellow sounds absolutely ridiculous, saying, "You can't go to college for theatre!" But you know, some people actually are that ignorant.

In eighth grade, I was in my oh-so-dreaded Bible study class, and the teacher asked us all what our goals for the future were. I knew what some of the answers would be in the room - NBA star, doctor, etc. But one girl has always remained in my memory as the most ungrateful and brainless girl I have EVER met in my entire life.

The teacher turned to her and asked her what she wanted to do after high school.

She said, "Nothing."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm just going to live off of my dad's money. I won't need to do any work or whatever. I'm just going to live off my dad's money because he's rich."

I remember just staring at her, dumbfounded. Let me remind you that this was eighth grade, when supposedly we're starting our journey to becoming thinking adults. Not only was I shocked at her complete lack of any notion of filial piety, but also at the fact that she honestly lived life without any idea of a plan from God. To this day, I am still dumbfounded and I am embarrassed to say that I hold a very not-very-Christian-like grudge-of-sorts against her. So, I repent. This post is cathartic.

My favorite part came thereafter when she took a moment to listen to the other people's answers, then asked, "Wait, what's the difference between college and university?"

And then her friend turned to her and said, "University is after college, retard."

Anyway, my high school was "lucky" enough to have a thriving (musical) theatre department, and many students attended the semesterly plays and musicals, but there was definitely a greater emphasis on athletic abilities and keeping up your family tradition of going to a state university. Now, there's nothing wrong with pursuing those two at all - as long as you don't insist that they're more important than being involved in the arts and going to a school out-of-state.

But you know what - I'd rather there be a discrepancy in kids' priorities and interests than have people with absolutely no purpose in life. Because there's no way that God didn't have something in mind when He created them.

Having a passion is good (of course, going to an extreme sometimes can be a turn-off to society - who hasn't encountered really annoying theatre/English major kids in their classes? Or really annoying science/math kids?), but having a passion rooted in Christ is even better. Because then you stop thinking about how good you are and how good learning/doing something makes you feel and you start focusing on how happy it makes Him.

*On a sidenote, I think I might watch Glee over winter break. LOL. Curse getting sucked into GCC trends...sighs.

my mother's leather jacket

My mom and I have a tight bond over clothes. It sounds kind of weird, almost materialistic and shallow to some, familiar and nostalgic to others - but in many ways, our clothing has shaped the relationship I have with my mom. (And consequently, of course, shopping: one of my main college application essays had to do with the metaphorical life lessons I had amassed over the years of following my mom around on shopping trips.)

Every time I "inherit" something from my mom, I feel myself getting a little bit older, and I also see how far our family has come financially - the latter of which is another story completely. But in terms of the former, it's kind of weird.

I'm not sure what it started with - maybe the straw-y tote bag that I used for years to bring my hujungous Bible to Bible study on Sundays, or maybe a random sweater (oh, and a very 90's sweater dress that I always kept around thinking I would modernize it and then eventually put it in the donation pile) - but I think her handing down things to me during my adolescence didn't really mean much initially except that I would get new things for free (free for my parents, that is). And even if the things were outdated or ill-fitting, I didn't care, because my mom's a really classically trendy person, so I always felt that much classier when I had something of hers to adorn my own wardrobe of kiddish clutter. One thing I always lament is the fact that we were the same size feet for maybe six months when I was 11 - that is, not an age when it would be appropriate for me to wear such grown-up shoes.

I'm looking at age 20 in about 3.5 months and it's kind of scary. And looking at the things I've inherited makes me realize even more how quickly time is passing.

There's a ring with three irregularly arranged ellipses - the adornment spins around a central point. Lots of people have always commented on this ring ever since my mom gave it to me in my junior year of high school (and I also thought it brought me good luck sometimes on my exams.) I can't believe it's already been so long...but it's my favorite ring and probably will be until I get married. (Maybe even after :P)

Most recently, my mom passed down her brown leather jacket to me. I wear it almost religiously because it's light but warm (if you layer properly) and it's quite nice in general. I remember her saying that there are just some things in her wardrobe that she didn't think a high schooler should wear (not like as in a scandalous way, but as in that they would make me look too old), and I think this was one of them. I went home this past Thanksgiving and brought the jacket along because one of the buttons had fallen off and another was becoming loose. She was a bit surprised that I had worn it so often, and I think part of her felt like I wasn't taking good care of it. But nevertheless, she fixed it up and sent me back to school with it, even though I offered to give it back to her.

There's just something about this jacket that makes me miss my mom and feel like my mom simultaneously. During some break (last winter? spring?) I saw pictures of my mom from when she was about my age, and it's kind of crazy how incredibly fresh-faced and bright my mom looks. My mom still looks very youthful and beautiful at her age right now, but it was kind of weird, because I felt like I was almost looking at myself (although I don't think I look too much like her from when she was young). She always tells me how envious she is of me because I'm still so young and I have so much time to really make the most of every opportunity before I settle down. And even though she feels she still has that kind of energy to single-mindedly pursue life again in her mind, she knows that she is getting old physically and doesn't necessarily have the resources. And though I get stressed out and grumble, I know she's right. Time flies.

I've always kept my mom's wishes for my future plans in the back of my mind. Granted, she tells me I should just be a pharmacist, but I've resisted whole-heartedly. But in terms of just being driven and making every moment count, I know that this is what I should do to really make the most of my college years. I think sometimes when I see my brother make the same mistakes I did or go through the same trials that I did, my heart hurts because I want to help him not do or experience those same things. Now, take that and magnify it by a thousand times, and I think that's how my mom can feel sometimes when she sees me wandering around aimlessly in life. But I'm growing up, and I can see that time is running short. I need to start living with a purpose - not just one that my mom approves of, of course, but also one that will please God and make me happy as well.

So yeah. Now, I have a plan. And I have my God. And of course, I have my mom.

And this jacket, so that I can weather whatever storms ahead even when my mom can't be here.

insomniac heart

Can't fall asleep.

Restless.

Stuffy nose.

Heavy.

Early morning practice awaits.

Please let me be able to sleep soon.