a lesson for a lady

It took me a while to get to this point, but as I was sharing with a younger sister today, I was reminded again of what God has been telling me all along:

Yes, I am a broken person.

Yes, I can become overly emotional, irrationally jealous, unnecessarily insecure, harsh with my words, confusing in my actions, demanding and needy.

But.

That doesn't mean I'm not capable of being loved.

That doesn't mean I'm not worth it, whatever "it" may be.

And instead of lamenting my flaws and mistakes and then giving more and more of myself to make up for it all, I should be fixing my eyes upon the One who has never failed to love me, who has never given less than what I have given.

He deserves the very best of me because He knows all the worst of me and yet, is humble and patient and compassionate enough to love me regardless. Hallelujah, He is good!

this is a story of girl meets God

I remember thinking as a cynical and immature high school senior that writing college application essays would be so much easier if I had experienced at least one great tragedy or challenge in my life — the painful loss of a loved one, battles with cancer, financial instability or just straight-up poverty, family issues, etc. But no, I healthily grew up in a nice, loving Korean two-parent family with all the resources and love I ever needed. I mean, seriously, my parents are still the type to drive down from New Jersey at 11 PM (ETA in Philly, factoring in traffic: 12:50 AM) to feed me soup when I am sick. Mad love, yo.

I was a relatively happy child as well — mostly because I could easily entertain myself with reading/writing/drawing/singing&dancing/being ridiculous, but also because I was good at school, and being the inherently bossy child that I was, my academic excellence served to justify my sense of (intellectual) superiority over others. I loved being called on to answer questions; I always wanted my writing to be the one that was read out loud as an exemplary example; I asserted myself a natural-born leader…you get the picture.

But it’s funny, even in the midst of intense family support and my own breed of self-confidence (read: pride), I was still able to subconsciously develop one gnawing fear: I wasn’t good enough to be loved.

I don’t know when I first acknowledged this thought, but looking back now, perhaps it was when I was in 4th grade, when I was placed in a different class from my best friend and I was forced to make new friends. Out of the new friends I made that year, there was one girl I greatly admired because a) she knew a lot about popular culture, which instantly made her cool, and b) she was really good at drawing (which made her even cooler to everyone else in our class). She was also the one all the guys liked, especially because of her soft voice and sweet manners, and as the tall (I know, hard to believe), awkward, braces-mouthed, acne-ridden, bossy, know-it-all friend, I knew I fell short in comparison. And I suppose that’s when you could say I began to buy into this idea that I wasn’t good enough to be loved…by guys.

Of course, there were other manifestations of this lie of “not being good enough,” especially when it came to academics in high school. I excelled, no doubt, but at the same time, I greatly feared failure; not only did I paranoid-ly fear that a slip-up on one test would mean a rejection from the university of my dreams, but I more so feared disappointing my extended family, my friends, every other person who expected me to graduate valedictorian, and most importantly, my parents. I got stressed and bitter whenever I felt like I had been pouring in all my time and energy into studying and yet, whenever I inevitably messed up and then got scolded for it, it felt like everything I had done up to that point didn’t count. The main thought that would run through my mind in those moments was: I just wouldn’t ever be good enough for my parents until I proved myself somehow — maybe until I made that speech at graduation.

Now, where does my faith fit into all of this?

Well, having experienced a complete lack of spiritual encouragement from my youth group, I had always wanted to know God more, but I had never been significantly pushed to actively develop an intimate relationship with Him. Coming to college, however, was still exciting spiritually because I knew I would be able to pick my own church and forge my own place in a body of believers. Luckily, I was able to come to GCC, and I was instantly super excited about the strong fellowship and spiritual intensity of this new church where people actually wanted to live for Jesus and Bible study was more than just discussions of cell phone accessories and basketball. My heart was all about being inclusive and building unity because I had fully experienced being a church social outcast for 6 years prior to college, and in the midst of all of this obsessive urgency (which I have later recognized as pride and lack of trust in God’s timing), I became rather worn out by the end of the year. More significantly, I was pretty hurt by a comment I heard second-hand which said that despite my fervent exterior, a few of the older brothers and/or sisters in the church felt that I didn’t really have the spiritual substance to back it up. Whether it was just a rumor or perhaps even just a helpful rebuke that I had twisted in my mind (because it’s true, I was quite a noob and shallow in my understanding of the Word and God’s voice), I still took it as yet another sign that I wasn’t good — or rather, holy — enough (especially in comparison to “holier” friends) to be loved, even by the church.

The summer after my freshman year was somewhat of an emotional hodgepodge, with messy friendships with guys and hurtful words. This compounded into shame and fear of judgment, and I came to the overwhelming — but thankfully momentary — conclusion that I really wasn’t good enough to be loved…this time, by God. It was the first time in my life that I put aside the idea that I was a "good" Christian (who didn't get drunk, wasn't promiscuous, etc.) and understood how far I was from it. But through this crazy internal turmoil, I came to understand firsthand the power of Jesus’ redemptive love. 1 Peter 4:8 says that “love covers over a multitude of sins”, while 1 John 4:18 says that “There is no fear in love,” and it was through His amazing love that all the brokenness I saw inside of me was suddenly replaced with the wholeness of Christ. Yes, I fell — and still fall — so short of the glory of God, but He has justified me freely by grace through His ultimate act of love: the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. It was more than okay that I wasn’t “good enough” for Him through my character or my works because it was precisely because I was undeserving (while I was yet a sinner!) that His amazing love was that much more meaningful and powerful.

I’d love to say that after that summer, I was totally transformed into a girl 200% secure in the unconditional love of God, but of course, that wasn’t the case. Sophomore year was the hardest year of my life, thanks to a self-esteem-shattering confusion over academic/career direction, more difficult friendships with both guys and girls, and the plaguing fear that I was, again, not good enough for anyone to truly love me for all my flaws. But God was persistent and has been persistent in loving me and reminding me that His grace and love go hand-in-hand — grace to forgive the sins and shortcomings, love to fill the gaps. Also, He has shown me that I have been fearfully and wonderfully made by Him, created to receive love not just from Him, but also from others who, by the grace of God, will love me for who I am.

No one is “good enough” before God compared to the absolute perfection of Jesus Christ, and your worth cannot be found in academics or a career, a relationship or the opinions of others. But once you accept Jesus as your Savior and surrender your sins, nothing can diminish the worth you hold as a child of God and nothing can separate you from the love of God found in Christ Jesus. No matter who you are or what you’ve done — and no matter who you aren’t or what you haven’t been able to do — God’s unfailing love will pursue you and hold you and let you know that you are perfect in His eyes. This Easter, I would really, really love for y'all to be able to encounter this kind of crazy love from a God who asks for nothing more than your heart.

what's the hurry?

God is telling me to slow down right now.

What impeccable timing...

special treatment

"But if you show favoritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers." (James 2:9)

This verse shows up after an example between a poor man and a rich man being treated differently in church, and that makes sense - no one should be more "valued" in the church (or in society as a whole) for being of a certain socioeconomic status, race/culture, gender, etc. or hindered for not being of a certain social group.

But what if I'm wondering about interpersonal relationships? It's impossible (and it's probably not encouraged) to love everyone equally, but is it also selfish to want certain relationships to be more special than others? Is it just the "Love Me" coming out again?

And here I am again, focusing on the micro-level concerns rather than asking for the macro-level vision...sighs.

el gato

This novella by Juan Garcia Ponce is so...weird, to say the least, but I also think it's one of the more heartbreaking literary things I've read in a while.

The story focuses in on the romantic relationship between Andres and Alma, which is just a tad bit (read: a lot) weirder than your average relationship just because there's a lot of emphasis on the theme of voyeurism/the gaze (people watching them mad PDA-ing/being unwise, the cat - el gato - watching them mad PDA-ing/being unwise). What is so sad (and it really reminds me of 500 Days of Summer sometimes haha) is that Andres is so adamant about having a "utopian" relationship, where there is no such thing as past or future for the relationship - only the present, where there is a constant presence of Alma, always there, always willing to do what he says, always being his spectacle. But obviously, Alma isn't content with this, and though she tries to resist him, her heart can't help but continue loving him (at first, i.e. I don't know how the novel will end.)

Interesting questions the story raises:

1) Do you really love someone if you don't miss him/her when he/she is not with you? Isn't missing someone a part of loving someone?

2) Is it really possible to have an exclusive but undefined relationship with someone? Will one person inevitably be more invested than the other and want to define it?

3) What does it mean for a person to be called "mine"?

It's a very strange (and rather...er...erotic) story we've had to read, but there's something quintessentially heartbreaking about it - at least for this first part! We'll see where things go...

(I do have more to write about life these days in general, but I should get back to work...so I shall blog a different day!)

i want to chop off my nose

It's so hard to breathe when I'm so congested!!

Sometimes, I think to myself - oh, wouldn't it be nice if I were actually sick so I'd have a legitimate reason to miss class/a meeting/whatever?

And you know what, those kinds of thoughts are from the enemy because being sick SUCKS. I'm tired of this!!! I'm tired of feeling tired!! I'm tired of not being able to breathe and focus on this paper that I've been working on since Saturday!

Roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Okay.

Time to get back to work ._.

you have been the one, you have been the one for me

I don't care what y'all say about his voice, because I know it's a bit too high to be considered normal, but James Blunt's first album is pretty legit stuff. I haven't listened to it in a while, but I was just reminded of it and decided to give it a whirl. I still think "Goodbye My Lover" is one of the most well-written love songs, albeit depressing, out there:

(I can't watch it because of Lent, but you can!)

And more than the singing voice, the lyrics are key key key.

lyrics

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes, I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right,
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart, you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer and when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be.

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child,
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

And I still hold your hand in mine,
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

--------

But in other news:

1) I honestly don't know why I come off stronger/more put-together than I actually am. It's not like I deliberately try to be that way...but considering even my Comm TA thinks I've got a good grasp on the material/I know what I'm talking about in class even though I've felt super confused for the second half of the semester, there is a strange disconnect between how I feel about myself and how others perceive me.

2) P. Joe's sermon yesterday was really good —

Reasons why we don't pray:

- Insecurity

- Guilt/shame

- Laziness

All three points really convicted me, how I've been putting up walls between me and God for pretty much no reason, how I've been relying on past experiences/lessons/growth to make up for my lack of action/direct communication right now.

3) Oh yeah, I turned 21 this past Monday! Except, I don't feel like it was a particularly special birthday more than others in the past hahaha, or at least in the way that it's so hyped up, but I was pretty blessed! - especially by people I didn't expect (sounds weird/terrible haha, but it's pretty true too).

4) Picking classes for next semester is such a pain...it gets harder as you get older because you're scrambling to fulfill major requirements and trying to make nice schedules that don't make you take classes on Friday...hm...:P

5) I wish the weather would go back to being warm again!! How can Philadelphia tease us so with two days of beautiful weather and then go back right away to cold (and yet tantalizingly sunny)??

Okay, I think that's all the thoughts I have for now...or at least just the ones I feel like writing out, since I am le tired.

hyperspeed

Let's be real here.

I've been at this place called "college" for about 2.5 years now (almost 3 academic year-wise) and I have built these things called "friendships," some very close and meaningful. But if you really think about it, 2.5 years is a pretty short amount of time. Considering some people have friends from when they were born, or some people have friends here in the Philadelphia area that they've known since middle school...2.5 is like nothing. A blip on the timeline of life.

And yet, why does it feel like I've known certain people for like 10 years? I remember life without these people, 2.5 years ago, pretty clearly, but while those memories seem to be playing in my mind in black-and-white, these people I see day-in and day-out are in bright and poppin' color! And I wonder if it's the nature of college itself (i.e. the fact that we live, eat, study, play, breathe in the lovely Philly air together every single day at every single hour)...or if it's the nature of GCC.

There's just something about the culture of GCC, or...I guess the culture of Christianity/Christian fellowship in general, that makes it so conducive to soul-bearing and sin-sharing (not sharing in sin together, but sharing about our sins and working through them together). Yes, we are strong together in Christ, but more importantly, we're utterly weak together. Asking for prayer requests and receiving prayer, confessing to and rebuking one another, crying and shouting out loud together...I don't know. It's so hard to imagine how I ever went through my weeks without talking to someone (or like 10 someones haha) about my walk or my spiritual struggles because honestly, that's the REAL stuff. That's the nitty gritty stuff that you try to hide from other people or even yourself, so I wonder how I thought my relationships in high school were deep. Granted, common experiences and common friends and sometimes even common visions for the future were all things that linked us together, and to a certain extent, that was definitely enough. I loved/love my high school friends and acquaintances, and God brought those people into my life during that time for a reason.

But man, I don't know. There is something seriously deeper about the friendships I have made and built in college - it's like MAX impact MIN time...it's like...a REALLY sour warhead candy - it's a tiny piece of candy but it hits you with crazy sourness (I know, warheads actually aren't that sour..but imagine a really sour one hahaha) I can hardly imagine what it'll be like to have been friends with someone for 30 years considering for some people, I feel like I know them inside and out already...ONLY after 2.5 years. I find myself saying, "You know how you always," or "Typical. So predictable," or "Knowing you"...and yet, how would I know that they have always been this way or that they think/talk/act a certain way?

[Of course, I will admit that I am the type of person that wants to know everything and anything about you as fast as possible. I don't know why, but I'm not the type to just let things...sit and develop over years and years and years. Maybe it's just my impatient nature, or maybe it's my bare-it-all-and-then-take-it-or-leave-it tendencies, or maybe it's my deep desire for efficiency (yes, I slack unashamedly many times, but I think deep down....I promise! I really like/need efficiency) but I like the feeling of really knowing someone even if it's only been a short while. (Is that...creepy? O.o)]

But once I take a step back from my hyperspeed relationship building ways, it's like...wow. It's honestly only been this short...but what's crazy about the relationships I am building now through the fellowship of Christ is that they will be ETERNAL. So ultimately it doesn't matter whether it's been 2.5 years or 10 years or 20 years because they will be foreeeeeeeeever and eeeeeeeeeever and eeeeeeeeeeever!!!

That's whack!

proverbs 16:9

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.

Thank you, God. You are sovereign! :)

creep creep

So, I don't know how other people do it, but I always just happen to stumble upon blogs. It's not like I follow some trendy tech-savvy site that gives me the latest updates on what are the hottest blogs around, so I just make do with my random clicking around on the Internet.

And I guess one day as I was looking for recipes on green tea cookies or the like back sometime in Winter '09, I stumbled upon the blog milkandhoneycafe.blogspot.com and I really liked the cuteness and straight-forwardness of the blog, not to mention the author is a Korean, Christian female who has a sharp eye for aesthetics. She doesn't update too frequently anymore (I suppose life caught up with her), but through her blogroll, I also came to yvonne-wong.com/blog/, a wedding photography blog that I love catching up with every once in a while. (It seriously brightens up my day sometimes haha)

On a random whim today, I decided to browse through the milk&honey lady's blogroll again and I came to geehaejeong.com/blog/, another wedding photography blog, who I'm guessing is friends with the milk&honey lady (okay, her real name is Sarah, but it just feels weird typing that out, so maybe we'll refer to her as S from now on). She (let's call her G) too is Korean and Christian, and it was when I was reading her post on the Brooke Fraser concert she attended that it hit me that I was a super-creep.

Why am I a super-creep? Because I feel like I know these ladies even though chances are, unless I ever contact either of them for their businesses in the future (S is a baker specializing in cupcakes, G is a wedding/engagement photographer), I will never meet them. It just seems like we have similar interests, similar senses of humor...I could see us being friends in real life (although I suppose we are a few years apart in age). But I honestly think the connection is even stronger because I know that both of them are Christian. It's like we're all part of something bigger that binds us together even though they won't ever find this blog (I think) and even though they both live in far-away-land Canadia. (Well, I guess it's not just "it's like" - more like "it is").

I will admit that sometimes I hesitate to "publicize" my blog (i.e. via social media or letting people know in person). In some ways, it's because I feel like the things I write on here are pretty personal - my random musings, the inside jokes or thoughts, even photos of those I love, I don't like the idea of it being all up and available through Google searches and linked on sites that I have no relations to. (You could say that I am somewhat of an Internet privacy control freak, only in the sense that I am very aware of all my privacy settings on everything.) On the other hand, I think I often hesitate because my entries are blatantly Christian, and I guess I'm afraid that they'll just come off as preachy or too happy-go-lucky instead of just straightforward and sincere — especially to my non-Christian friends from high school. I'm sure if any of them read my blog now, there'd be a lot of "What happened to Sarah?"s...and while that's nothing to be afraid of, (and I suppose I should actually be that much more unabashed to publicize it on Facebook or something), I think I'm just worried it will continue making me unapproachable to the people I used to consider near and dear to my heart. I'm also hesitant to ever mention it in interview settings and the like, just because if the person gets curious enough to ask what the web address is, I don't know if they'd like what they find on here.

Plus, it's not like my blog has a particular theme/attraction to it — I don't share my insights on sports or fashion or baking or politics, but just my thoughts on things occurring in my everyday life and spiritual walk. I'll admit I've had some "awkward" entries where I start off talking about something secular and then it ends up being totally spiritual. (I'll also admit that I've shied away from overtly vulnerable/angsty entries simply because I don't feel like the Internet is the best place to air all your woes and emotional ups&downs...but I guess that has given some the impression that I have everything perfectly in order and that I am a put-together, inaccessible robot or something). Anyway, maybe this is good enough for my friends, especially the safe&enclosed social circle we call GCC, but in the greater interwebz scheme of things, it's nothing too special.

So...I guess the point is, it's encouraging to know that there are sisters like S and G who have these God-given talents and passions who are not only making their names/blogs/products&services known, but they're also making their faith known. And maybe it's fine that I don't make a big deal about my blog, because after all, the only thing I'm offering on here is my random collection of reflections and I am definitely not any sort of voice of authority on anything haha...but I do hope that if the occasion does arise to perhaps evangelize through this blog, or at least make someone think, I won't hesitate to take it.

BTAS has come a long way since its humble (or perhaps not-so-humble, being the noob-er freshman that I was) beginnings in Fall '08 and I can't believe that I am already in the middle of my junior year spring break week writing this...man. While I can think of a handful of instances where it's been clear, it really does make me wonder what kind of impact (if any) this blog has had over the past couple of years. I guess all I can do is just keep writing, even if no one's reading! Because if anything, I can very clearly see God's fingerprints all over my life just by skimming a few of my old entries and recognizing where I am now in relation to me then.