I'm not sure what I need to do in order to shake this feeling off, but I know that people might tell me I should just be disciplined this week and really read the Word and pray, and everything will be better.
But interestingly enough, I don't want to.
I was just catching up with a sister, and while talking, I realized something really crazy and unsurprising at the same time.
I've wasted so. much. time. this year. Whatever amount of time I thought I had wasted my freshman year, this year trumps it.
It's not that I wasted time hanging out with people or watching too much TV or spending too much time on Facebook or Gchat (or perhaps Gchat did make some things worse) - but I spent so much time despairing, not allowing God's hand to touch me, to hold me, to carry me.
But to be honest, it kind of sucks to look back on this year and find that it's probably going to be seen (in the FAR future) as a time in which I really grew and really came to rely on Him and really became broken to be put together again...because apart from these spiritual developments, I feel like I have nothing to show for myself in terms of tangible ones.
It's not like I churned out some really amazing articles for the DP or learned amazing things from my classes or became involved in a ton of amazing ways for amazing clubs or whatever. I didn't organize anything, I didn't implement anything, I didn't do anything.
All I remember is just a ton of talking and thinking and crying and arguing and apologizing and sorting out things in my heart and mind...but when it comes down to it, what the heck did I do this year?
I know that the only thing to do is just to move on, move forward, keep pressing onwards. To stop wasting time thinking and talking and start doing. To just suck it up and make myself active again.
But why is it that I just don't want to? Why is it that I just want proof first? That if I do start becoming active, things will get better? I can't trust anything or anyone anymore.
There is a passion deep, deep, DEEP within me that's just aching to come out, to grow and flourish. But it's being so suffocated by all the darkness and brokenness of this year that it's too tired to make itself known.
What do I want from this Passion Week? I want to let this passion out. I want clarity. I want direction. I want God to SHOW ME PROOF that He knows what He's doing and that He IS guiding and blessing me - that I don't have to sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else get immensely blessed and moved by His sacrifice.
I might be a doubting Thomas right now, but I know that asking God to show me His glory is not something that's too much to ask for. I know that He's the source of everything good, but I want to SEE it in MY life, as selfish as that sounds.
Where is His plan for me? Why am I so incredibly aimless and purposeless right now? Why have I been aimless and purposeless all year long?
I just need proof in my life that His words are true. Otherwise I might just stay stuck.
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So we do not lose heart. Even though out outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all measure, because we look not at what can be seen but at what cannot be seen; for what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
Perhaps the thing that you seek so badly is something that we're just not meant to have. God knows what we require, and He freely gives. But sometimes we get confused between things that we require and things that we "want". I know you want to see the glory of God too, but maybe you haven't seen it because God knows that you don't need to see his glory to remain faithful to Him. Let God "un-stuck" you and let go of that burden of "wanting".
We all went on spring break together and the class of 2012 really bonded together so now we're not AS awkward as we were around each other before.
Haha, but really, no time is wasted time. I mean, think about it. If you could go back to the start of sophomore year, if you had joined that club and been a part of the board, if you had decided to spend more time in your room doing research for a DP article, you may have missed that time when you had a real sister-to-sister talk. You may have decided not to go to church one morning and missed a very inspirational message that really rocked your world. You may have missed that opportunity to open the door for a stranger who really needed someone to do that for him/her that day.
I know, I know, I listen to too much music, but here's a few lyrics from God bless the broken road:
I think about the years I spent,
just passing through.
I'd like to have the time I've lost,
and give it back to you.
But you just smile,
you take my hand.
You've been there, you understand.
It's all part of a grander plan.
That is coming true.
For God, there's no such thing as wasted time.
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