corgis

It is likely common knowledge by now that I adore corgis.  I'm not sure when it happened, since I didn't even know that such a breed existed until I went to law school and a classmate from California (aka the land of corgis) happened to show me his favorite video on YouTube (i.e., the corgi flop).  But running into a corgi serendipitously inspires such a sudden yet profound joy within me (an emotion that is quite difficult to inspire otherwise) that I frequently tell people that such sightings feel like a secret signal from God that He loves me.

Throughout the month of January (and even a little bit into February), I felt like I had been seeing more corgis in the city than usual-- for such an Insta-popular breed of dog, it's rarer than one would think to find a floofy golden corgi waddling down the streets of Manhattan.  So, taking the premise that chance corgi encounters are like subtle reminders that God loves me, it would seem as though I had spent the last month feeling extra-loved.  Unfortunately for Him, that was not quite the case.

Something is off.  Something is broken.  The joy receptors inside of me feel dull and insensitive, and I am in the process of parsing through two very difficult feelings:

(1) These days, I do not feel as though God is (more than) enough for me.  And that is incredibly depressing because as I look into the next fifty years of my life (Lord willing), and I see what is ahead for me (again, Lord willing)-- advances in my career, marriage and raising a family, growth in ministry-- these otherwise very good things suddenly feel utterly empty and meaningless.  I am wary of what is ahead, and I fear (and almost preemptively feel now) an inevitable mental breakdown because all I see are ways to be poured out, and poured out, and poured out, with nothing coming back to me.  People to take me for granted, to toss me away when it's convenient for them or something better comes along, to ask that I meet them where they are instead of asking where I would like to be met, to demand my time and energy and affections . . . all these people who will capitalize on knowing how deeply I desire not to disappoint them or hurt them or desert them.  I feel ragged and wounded just imagining it.  And the only antidote to this crushing cynicism is for God to be (more than) enough for me-- to be so filled to the brim with His love that all of my pouring out will be virtually effortless and even a source of deep joy, because I am able to share in how He cares for others and become more like Jesus in the process.

So.

How long, O Lord?
How long will I feel like You are not enough for me?
How long will I persist in this despair that I will always be empty?
How long will I resist Your grace and treat You so unfairly?

Because in the meantime, I am still giving.
I am still giving my intellect and perseverance and most of my waking hours to work.
I am still giving my unconditional love and intentionality to ministry.
I am still trying, whether it seems like it or not, to be there for my loved ones, even as the gnawing feeling grows-- I have nothing left to give.  I have nothing to give to earn their attention and affection, and at some point, they will see how selfish and impatient and burdensome I really am.

Which brings me to--

(2) I still feel like I have to earn the love that I receive from others, and the realization that this impulse is so strong is also discouraging.

In other words: I have to be the most understanding, the most witty, the most lovely, the most attentive, the most wise, the most capable, the most obedient, the most available, the most agreeable, the most selfless version of myself in order for people to love me and appreciate me.  I'm not allowed to be needy, I'm not allowed to be weak, I'm not allowed to be sad, I'm not allowed to be exhausted, I'm not allowed to be broken because I can't afford to be unattractive.  (Not to mention, I have no right to be any of those things anyway because I come from a stable, fairly well-off family, I have a steady and generous job, I have no physical ailments, I always have food to eat and a warm bed to sleep in, and I have plenty of friends and colleagues who treat me with respect and care.  So the least I can do is be the best version of myself for others.)

Why can't I afford to be unattractive?
Because sometimes, many times, even when I am the best version of myself and I give the best parts of myself-- it's still not enough.
I am still abandoned, I am still betrayed, I am still mistreated, I am still misunderstood.
Ironically, I am told:
Because you're too good.  Because you're strong, and you're smart.  I don't need to worry about you.  You don't need me to succeed.  You don't need me to be happy.
But there was a time when I was told instead:
You're too emotional.  You're too sad and self-pitying.  You're too selfish.  You're too needy.
So.

Which is it?
Which is the version of me that is acceptable?
Which version of me won't be so easily disposed of?





- - - - -

God says I was loved while I was yet a sinner, while I did not know Him or acknowledge Him, while I cursed Him.  And I am still loved in these moments when I still fail to acknowledge Him and when I still grieve the Holy Spirit by entertaining lies and spouting off more lies-- there is no "acceptable" or "unacceptable" but just the fact that I am accepted as His daughter.

He reminds me that even when my heart condemns me-- because of my unbelief, because of my overall sinful nature-- He is greater than my heart (1 John 3:20).

And that is why, despite it all, He continues to shower me with favor in the workplace, He continues to gives me the strength and grace to pray for others (and somehow even bless them), He continues to put love in my heart for those who have deeply wounded me . . . and He continues to send me the occasional corgi sightings.

(I'm sure I will eventually bounce back.
But for now, I admit that I am hurting, I am troubled, I am waiting.)

ointment

My neighbor Totoro bugged me about not journaling yet because I confessed to her that I hadn't properly journaled in more than 6 months now, but because I need to get back to editing something for work, I figure I will just type out quick thoughts here instead.

Today, I went to morning prayer for our monthly small group leaders prayer meeting, and although I had wanted us to meet to pray for greater vision (and I suppose we did), I somehow found myself in the middle of a circle of the other small group leaders who had decided it would be a good idea to pray for me after I shared with them that I currently felt "meh" and "stuck". 

I took a moment to pray for myself too, and a very vivid image passed through my mind: splotchy and sensitive skin that typically accompanies severe burns.  It was jarring (not to mention, random), and I just couldn't shake the idea as I prayed because I felt like it was reflecting my inner condition: raw, sensitive, aching-- but a little too scary to look at and a little too painful to touch.

And I felt like God was saying, Sarah-- will you let me look at you? Will you let me treat you?
And I felt myself protesting-- but it's too severe, and You'll take too long, plus, I think I'll be okay if I just suck it up and act normal and cover the wounds just enough so that minor irritants won't be able to cause further harm.

But I know how silly this is.

His Words have always been the balm to my devastated soul.
His presence has always been the covering over my bareness.
His love has always been the ointment that heals and makes things like new again.

And yet I often try so hard to keep going without because receiving and enjoying those things requires me to sit still.  I have to sit still and let Him apply the ointment, day after day, however slowly and carefully and tenderly, but I-- having things to do and places to be and people to take care of-- cannot stand the idea of being so immobile for a seemingly indefinite period of time, gritting my teeth against the slight pain that results from His applying pressure, and straight up crying when I can't handle it anymore.  I want to say, Lord, You enable me to jump to the highest heights and swim against raging currents-- not, Lord, you enable me to barely lift a trembling cup of water to my parched mouth.

But this is where I apparently am, so I must be humble, with a broken and contrite spirit, as well as expectant and trusting.  After all, His restoration process is thorough.

Let me be patient, let me be still-- and do not delay with Your healing hand, Lord!

priorities

This word has been on my mind for the past couple of weeks for a variety of reasons:

Exhibit A - what does it mean to make Jesus my so-called number one priority?

Exhibit B - which task/project at work should be prioritized over which other task/project over which other task/project over which other task/project?

Exhibit C - how will I know if I am a priority to someone?  how will I know if I am definitively not?

Exhibit D - whose opinion/guidance takes priority?

Exhibit E - for one weekend, will I make my former community my priority or my current community my priority?

Exhibit F - between rest, exercise, socializing, and work, what should be my priority today?

There are definitely right answers to some of these questions, but sometimes there aren't, and that's what keeps life interesting I suppose.

Jesus, take the wheel!

control

I apologize in advance for the vagueness in the next sentence, but oh wells.

/In some ways, this feels like the last stage-- addressing my need for control./

Koreans talk about this thing called 눈치 (noonchi), which Wikipedia defines as: "a Korean concept signifying the subtle art and ability to listen and gauge others' moods"-- and which others would summarize as "tact" or "self-awareness".  Having noonchi is a good thing for the most part (although too much of it might mean that you care way too much about pleasing others or what other people think or fitting in with other people), and in some ways, I'm pretty proud of the fact that I have a good amount of noonchi.

Thinking about why that is, it's not really because I'm proud of the fact that I can read other people period, but rather, I'm proud of the fact that I can read other people and act accordingly and thereby be in control of that relationship or social interaction to a certain extent.  I don't need to be told to do X or say Y because I already know, I've already perceived, and I've already determined the exact response/reaction/outlook I should have.  It makes for a savvy coworker (anticipating and meeting the needs of bosses/colleagues) and an obedient daughter (doing the right thing before being told what to do), but perhaps not always the most receptive child of God.  It keeps me from being honest with Him about where I am and how I feel and from being still in His presence because I'm always trying to anticipate what He's trying to tell me or teach me instead of just waiting and watching with Him. 

"Surely you're about to show me X, Lord."
"Surely you're going to say Y, Lord."
"Of course, this is the point where You say, okay, too bad so sad time to go back to reality."
"And this is the point where I'll have to look back and see that You closed this door for a reason and I will shake my head at my ridiculousness, right?" 

But He's saying-- Daughter, please. stop. talking.  Stop guessing what I'm about to do or what I'm trying to say.  Stop trying to finish my sentences for me.  Stop trying to know everything about everything.  Just wait and watch with me.  Pray.  Sing.  Laugh.  Enjoy.  You know me, you say you trust me, so why do you still worry?  Why are you still writing novels on your own?  Why can't you just wait for your story to unfold?

I am chastened.  

But I am hopeful.  This hope is a little bud inside of me-- frankly, I'm afraid it will suddenly die out of nowhere one day (like my succulent, Felix), but I must trust that (1) He is not cruel so (2) even if it did "die" all of a sudden, He is in control and He will revive that hope somehow somewhen. 

I put all of my trust in You-- not in my own abilities or plans or instincts, but I will wait, I will watch, I will listen. 

Meditations--

". . . God is in heaven and you are on earth.  Therefore let your words be few."  Ecc. 5:2

Also: lyrics from "Looking for a Savior" by United Pursuit--

i abandon my addiction to the certainty of life and my need to know everything

freedom

"I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery. 

You shall have no other gods before me. 

You shall not make for yourself a carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or serve them; for I the LORD your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing steadfast love to thousands of those who love me and keep my commandments.  

You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain, for the LORD will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain. 

Observe the Sabbath day, to keep it holy, as the LORD your God commanded you.  Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God.  On it you shall not do any work, you or your son or your daughter or your male servant or your female servant, or your ox or your donkey or any of your livestock, or the sojourner who is within your gates, that your male servant and your female servant may rest as well as you.  You shall remember that you were a slave in the land of Egypt, and the LORD your God brought you out from there with a mighty hand and an outstretched arm.  Therefore the LORD your God commanded you to keep the Sabbath day. 

Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the LORD your God is giving you. 

You shall not murder. 

And you shall not commit adultery. 

And you shall not steal. 

And you shall not bear false witness against your neightbor. 

And you shall not covet your neighbor's wife.  And you shall not desire your neighbor's house, his field, or his male servant, or his female servant, his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's."  (Deut. 5:6-21)

In a recent sermon that I heard, the pastor asked: what do you think is the commonality between these ten commandments?  What is the underlying theme of the Ten Commandments?

The thought that came to my mind right away was Jesus' so-called summary of the Ten Commandments, where Jesus says: "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the great and first commandment.  And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.  On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets." (Matt. 22:37-40).  So, the underlying theme must be LOVE.   (But you all know that LOVE must not be it because I already wrote a blog post about it earlier this week lol.)

The pastor posited: the commonality is freedom.  Sure, on the surface, they're a set of rules, so they read like restrictions-- don't worship other gods.  Don't murder.  Don't steal.  Don't covet your neighbor's high-class donkey that's a little faster and a little smarter than your donkey.  But these commandments were not intended to box His people in; they were to free them from all of the unseen, internal constraints that would result if they did not obey.

You could read the intro (v.6) as a declaration of God's mighty power: I am the LORD, your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt.  Egypt!  Where chariots are bigger, horses are faster, weapons are aplenty.  Yes, from there is where the Lord (God Almighty!) brought His people out.  But perhaps another equally important reminder is: I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.  And because you are no longer slaves, abide by these commandments and live the fullest life in your newfound freedom.

The Lord is interesting like that.  He always defies our expectations of what we think is proper or fair... or free.  And His ways are always higher than our ways, so we can't even really begin to understand Him until and unless we take the time to abide in Him and become more conformed to His ways.

But the Lord is teaching me something else interesting these days-- what it means to really desire that conformity until I no longer even notice that I am conforming, but rather, I am just living freely in His ways.

There are many "rules" that I have been taught over the years, especially growing up in the church, and being a naturally very obedient child, I have had no problem simply obeying without questioning or resisting.  (If they ever gave out trophies for Most Obedient Child, I think mine would be a lot bigger than yours... and I'd be the reigning champion for decades.)  I don't think I feel forced into obedience at least 95% of the time-- I think I'm just hardwired that way.  I don't like confrontation, I don't like disappointing others, I don't like criticism, I don't like being wrong.  Therefore, I obey with the confidence that I am aligning myself with what is right and good, as well as staying on the good side of all authority figures.  It is part self-preservation, part pride, part sheer desire to keep the peace.

But a few major bumps in this road of faith have made me realize how shallow that obedience can be-- it's like I was operating on autopilot, and when a gust of wind from an unexpected place came my way, I suddenly tried to fly in a wobbly line between the autopilot route and the route that the gust of wind wanted me to take, constantly fretting that I should be going the autopilot route but secretly desiring to keep going on my own way, this new way, with the wind.

It was that "secret" desire to be free to do whatever I want that I failed to acknowledge within myself for a very long time.  And indulging in that desire away from the Lord's gentle guidance was not freeing at all, but very constraining.

As we become adults, there are fewer people telling us what to do and what to choose, and there are fewer clear lines about what is absolutely right and what is absolutely wrong in more and more situations.  And so, knowing the ways in which I have failed to exercise my freedom properly, I have felt trapped and unable to move forward at times because I am fearful about making the "wrong" choice and doing the "wrong" things and somehow disobeying the Lord without even realizing that I'm disobeying.

The Lord seems to find this cute-- which is beyond me.  So He's been crafting situations and decisions where I am suddenly faced with the choice of being immobile with fear and anxiety or taking steps in faith and seeing where I end up.  And He says, isn't this fun?  And I say, this is Your idea of fun???

But He reassures me with this:  Beloved, I know you.  You know Me.  And you know what my rules are, my commandments and my character too.  I will not let you wander further away beyond my boundary lines, so run freely.  Explore.  Fall down.  Get up.  Live life fully knowing also that if you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.

It's all very scary to take in sometimes, and I still doubt whether I am hearing Him correctly when He says: Beloved, do whatever you want!  It seems so unlike the Lord that I have known for so long-- not that He has been a stern Father who dictates my every move and shuts down all of my ideas and requests, but I have often seen Him as an amplified version of my earthly parents.  If they're worried about me taking a road trip with friends, how much more worried is the Lord about pretty much everything else that I do on a daily basis, given that He sees all and knows all?  (Not that... God actually worries about anything lol)  But I feel more and more sure as time goes on that I am not misinterpreting Him.  He really wants me to just do whatever I want, and He'll take care of the rest.

Perhaps it is a lesson in honesty and vulnerability in addition to a lesson in freedom.  Perhaps it is a lesson in utter surrender.  Perhaps it is a lesson in abiding.  Whatever it might turn out to be, this I know to be true-- I am safe.  There is safety in His commands; there is safety in His freedom.  And there is joy!  The kind of joy that rings out when a shout of "FREEDOM!!!" erupts from a weary soul that has now found release.

I suppose we shall see.

love

There are a lot of nouns that have been on my mind recently that I thought would make for good blogposts following the one on excellence, such as GLORY or FREEDOM ('murica lol jk), but I guess while it's still fresh on my heart, I want to turn to LOVE first.

One of the weird-ish things that I do when I go home to Jersey for a weekend is to rifle through old mementos-- i.e., family photos from the '90s, high school yearbooks, random cards from birthdays of long ago, and my journals from college.  Last weekend, while reading through some of my old journal entries, I realized once again that I was so fragile in college.  (Some parts of this blog might attest to that already!)  I thought I was so self-aware and insightful, perhaps even wise and mature at times, but nope-- I was a bona fide noob.  And even my emotions had emotions.  It was a wild time.

I struggled so much with finding my identity then: who was I to God?  Who was I in Christ?  Who was the Holy Spirit prompting me to become?  And I carried some of these questions into law school as well, as I took my first steps into cementing(?) a career for the foreseeable future.  I was aware that this was a struggle while I was going through these life stages (especially my horrendously aimless sophomore year), but it hit me while reflecting this time around that, at the root of it all, the real question (asked with a fearful heart and a small voice) was:  Was I loved?  (And relatedly, could I be loved to the extent that I desired love?)

And time and time again, the Lord told me and showed me that yes, indeed, I was loved-- so much more loved than I could ever measure, comprehend, or handle.  I felt the true weight of Jesus' sacrifice, I experienced the redemption of my soul, I was able to ponder the ways in which He has always gently guided me and quietly patched up my wounds along the way.  But through it all, I could not understand why some sisters got so giggly and moony-eyed about Jesus and called Him the Lover of their souls and blushed at Song of Solomon and photographed their "date with Jesus" with a soft lighted Mayfair-filtered brush.  Like, seriously? 

Because.  As deeply as I felt His love, it felt detached to the extent that it was not an intimate love-- He is my Heavenly Father, so while I knew that He loves me so much that He would die for me (and indeed, Jesus did), there was a wall there that kept that love from being too intimate.  He could not be both my loving Father and an attentive & intentional Lover-- that was just beyond my comprehension and my comfort level. 

But there came a point almost exactly a year ago where I was in service and I suddenly thought a thought that came out of my heart with complete honesty: I am most myself and most content when I am with You.  It wasn't really all that romantic, but just an acknowledgment that I knew that I was known by Him and loved by Him, and knowing Him and loving Him was the most secure and sure thing.  I still wasn't feeling the whole Lover of my soul thing.

Fast-forward to this year, and even just a month ago, I probably would have said, yeah, no, still not feeling it.  But the winds of change seem to be blowing through, and I think I am starting to see a little bit at a time what all the hullabaloo has been.  (Interestingly enough, a lot of the revelation has been coming through music, which I will discuss in a bit.)

I see His patience and His kindness, and I am not only humbled and thankful the way that a child might realize the error of her ways and step into her parent's arms with hypothetical tail tucked between legs, but I am also touched-- how could He be so good to me?  

I read of His promises and His power, and I am not only hopeful and fearless the way that a servant/soldier might come to trust in her master's/commanding officer's directions, but I am also impressed-- how could there be someone so mighty and important who is also relentlessly attentive to me?

I think of how He exults over me with loud singing and I'm like yo, You are a musical dude (Dude?) and You have a perfect voice (no tone-deafness, no key range limits, no missed intros and choruses) and that is awe.some. 

And that is how I have come to slowly accept that yes, perhaps, He is indeed the Lover of my soul.  Yes, perhaps, I am loved to an even more personal degree than I could have imagined.  Yes, perhaps, I truly can love Him with an intensity and intentionality of which I thought only my future husband might be able to get a glimpse (or two, if he's well-behaved).  It is scary-- I don't know why-- but it is also very freeing.  I want to know Him more, I want to hear Him more clearly, I want to be where He is and see the things He sees and do the things He does.  I have much to learn from Him; I have much to receive from Him!  What a natural doter He is, if only I would let Him dote upon me even more.  

So, returning to the whole music thing-- I have to admit that although I casually liked Bethel songs, I wasn't sold on all the touchy-feely-ness of many of their popular tracks.  And it's not like I believe that every single worship song ever should contain some reference to the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ to be sung, but I just wasn't sure that all the songs had to be so lovey-dovey either.  But one of the songs that has been so powerful to me in the past few months has been "Pieces", especially because of the line that says: "Your love is proud to be seen with me."

Man.  Just pouring out my heart to the faceless interwebs now-- that line cuts so deep down to one of my greatest insecurities... that I am not someone to be proud to be seen with and claimed as theirs.  Not professionally, not family-wise (my grandparents are a great ego boost in this regard el oh el), not even friends-wise (because I have at least one best friend who likes claiming me as her best friend, I think).  But romantically speaking, how utterly fragile and pessimistic have I been in this regard-- believing that I am to be tucked away, to be thought about later when schedules and brain spaces free up, simply second best to everything else (so really, not "second" best at all).  But it's different with Him, the song declares.  He is unashamed to say-- I lay claim to this woman.  Isn't she pretty neat?  (What girl wouldn't swoon at those statements?  Of course, assuming they are coming from a man she loves back, because a complete stranger or someone that is a hard pass is another story el oh el oh el) And I love Him for that-- the most holy One, the most righteous One, the most perfect One, who has the most reason out of anyone ever to not be proud to be seen with me... He is the one who consistently, unabashedly, unironically, with enthusiasm, takes my hand and lifts it high and says, yup, this is the real deal.  People who know me well enough know that I don't really have strong positive emotions (except, inexplicably, when it comes to corgis), but I can't tell you how happy these revelations make me.  

In any event, the song that has really been on repeat in my head is "You Delight In Me", by Sean Feucht, because (I love the bridge and) the declaration that He delights in me is such a simple reminder of all that I have narrated above.  I will close with a sampling of the lyrics (PSA: in my unprofessional opinion, video/audio is likely not guaranteed to stay up because Youtube+copyright reasons but who knows lol):

Oh, what a love came and filled my emptiness.
What I thought was my end was only Your beginning.
Oh, what a joy, this life that I live, to be favored in Your eyes. 

You delight in me (x4) 

Your pleasure shatters all my defenses.
Your kindness melts away my offenses.
Your beauty demands all my attentions.
I know I capture all Your affections.

"Yes, Lord; you know that I love you."

excellence

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.  (Philippians 4:8)

A sister in law school used to always encourage us to be excellent--that there was nothing unbiblical about striving to be excellent in school and at our future jobs and that, in fact, God desired for us to be excellent. 

I found those statements to be quite odd when I first heard it.  After years of being taught that we had to be humble, meek, emptied of ourselves, I found it a little presumptuous to say that God wanted us to be excellent-- especially if applied in such a worldly fashion.  It seemed like a fast track to prosperity gospel living: oh yes, I graduated from an Ivy League school, make $300,000 a year while donating generously, and drive a Maserati because this is the fruit of being excellent for Jesus.  Or alternatively, it just seemed like an easy way for the enemy to find strongholds in pride, self-dependence, anxiety, covetousness, etc.  So surely, if God did actually desire for us to be excellent, He desired it in the sense that we had to be super holy, right?  Excellent in serving, excellent in studying the Word, excellent in a way that didn't give off any semblance of being excellent in the world's eyes, right? 

Sure.

But also nah.

That kind of excellence is not the only kind of excellence that He inspires or encourages.  

I recently read a book called Garden City: Work, Rest, and the Art of Being Human by John Mark Comer, which I would recommend-- gave me a lot of good food for thought, and it's a pretty quick read too (although I confess it took me weeks because I kept being unable to actually sit down and plow through it).  In it, Comer writes: "The word image is selem in Hebrew, and it can be translated 'idol' or 'statue.' . . . .  We are God's statues.  His selem.  We were put on earth--because the entire cosmos is this God's temple--to make visible the invisible God.  To show the world what God is like. We are the Creator's representatives to his creation." (p.39).   

So, at a minimum, my former understanding of what sort of excellence God's desired wasn't wrong, per se.  After all, we are commanded to "[o]utdo one another in showing honor" (Romans 12:10), to "excel" in generosity (2 Corinthians 8:7), and my personal favorite hardly-attainable command: "[r]ejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).   If those aren't commands to be excellent, then I don't know what is.

But I've come to embrace an "expanded" view of "excellence" in this lifetime, especially as I have begun working and contemplating my calling.  If we are to be "the Creator's representatives to his creation", then we need to be excellent in all aspects, including in our workplaces.  There is no secular/spiritual divide in our life; we don't aim to be loving, wise, and otherwise Christ-like only in certain settings, so why should we only aim to be excellent in the "spiritual" sense regarding "holy" goals?

As I've meditated on the idea of excellence, I've realized that I have felt strongly about being excellent students and excellent workers for a long time, but I didn't know how to articulate how I felt (I thought it was just an innate attraction to diligence lol).  I've always felt that it's a shame when "leaning not on your own understanding" or "trusting in the Lord" is used as an excuse to be a lazy, defeated, and aimless scrub.  It does not reflect our most excellent and mighty God at all, and it really hurts the way Christians are perceived as well.  Recently, I've been thinking a lot about what it means to influence those who are in positions of influence as a Christian.  What I've come up with is, being excellent doesn't mean that success will necessarily follow, but there is power in being excellent (and being known to be excellent).   

I now love the word "excellent".  I will encourage anyone to be excellent, even-- and especially--when it is difficult.  It is in our nature to want to settle and do the bare minimum, to get tired of working and to seek out distractions.  But we have also been made in His excellent image! 

On the other hand, I realize that there are a lot of people out there (in certain aspects, myself included) who are hardwired to crave excellence for a myriad of non-God-reflecting reasons (a desire for personal glory, a desire for security and peace of mind, a desire for approval) so I am still cognizant of the pitfalls.  That's why we need Jesus in this endeavor. 

Philippians 4:8 encourages us to think about things that have "any excellence", which comes after a string of other adjectives-- true, honorable, just, pure, lovely, commendable-- which indicates to me that "excellence" encompasses those things and so much more.  We are all created uniquely (to the chagrin of critics of millennials) so the ways in which we can be excellent for God are so varied, but the underlying command is the same: be excellent! 

i'm back

Who knew?

Certainly not I.

I won't say it was due to popular demand-- because it totally was not.  Unless you consider the nudgings of one person (you know who you are) to constitute "popular demand", in which case, sure.

I just think I have a lot of thoughts these days, and my thoughts flow faster than my hand scribbles, so might as well type them out for the "world" to read. 

In any event, this post isn't much other than an announcement of sorts.  

More legit writings to come.  

A new chapter is unfolding. 

"Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come."  Proverbs 31:25

Coming soon to a computer screen near you--

breaking the silence

It's been more than a year since I've last written on here, but I've often thought about this blog from time to time-- it records so many of my passing thoughts and weighty contemplations alike that it has always seemed like a waste to shut down forever.

But it's been almost seven(!) years, and I am such a different woman from the girl who began this blog with an admittedly self-serving desire to make my oh-so-eloquent-and-insightful thoughts known to the (albeit contained) world.  So...what?  I guess I just wanted to write a formal goodbye (you know, just in case all my fans were waiting with bated breath for the last year plus).  The silence has hereby been broken, but only to say that it will continue to be silent for the foreseeable future.

But before I go, a few thoughts from the time that I've been absent:

(1) Faith life is hard.  I realize this more and more as I grow older.  As months and years pass, we understand more, but there will definitely be days when we find ourselves in the same struggles as those from five years ago.  We experience more, but there will definitely be days when we feel like we were "more alive" or more fervent in the past.  We taste more of His goodness and go deeper into our relationship with Him, but there will definitely be days when we find ourselves content with--or worse, craving--the staler things and the shallower places we left behind.  We are no different from the Israelites who witnessed firsthand the parting of the Red Sea and who walked with the pillar of fire and cloud and yet, in that desert place, seriously contemplated going back to a life of slavery in Egypt.  But why?  Because (a) we forget to acknowledge Him and be thankful and (b) waiting on God is so hard.  We yearn for the hujungous banquet while becoming tired of the daily manna, unaware that the joy lies in being with the host/source, not with the spread.  The past always seems better than the future when the present is tough.  Nevertheless, I am thankful that He is so patient with me, that He remembers my frame and knows I am but dust, that He pulls me to keep step with Him after I've stumbled or fallen back or maybe even gotten too far ahead.  It's true, I get weary of running when I feel no closer to the prize than I was yesterday, but I do not abandon hope.

(2) Prayer is not idle babbling.  I've been faced with plenty of situations where the only thing I am able to do is pray, and sometimes that feels discouraging because it seems so...stagnant.  I want to say something!  I want to act!  But no, I must enter my closet and pray.  And how powerful one single prayer can be, God has shown me so many times.  So yes, prayers are "coveted" for good reason-- they have the power to move mountains and change hearts of stone!

(3) I am still young, and I am a work in progress.  Like I said, I started this blog when I was eighteen, an age that seems so young to me now.  As people around me switch jobs, get married, buy houses, leave for missions (like, for more than one week at a time), it's really easy to feel like I am old (not to mention, a little behind lol).  I should know a lot, I should be more mature, I should be more responsible for my own life-- all of these instincts are generally commendable ideas.  But I must be wary of the sneaky undertone of those thoughts: I need to be perfect today.  I will not attain perfection in this lifetime; even when I am sixty years old, I will still have more to learn and I must still humbly go before the cross and confess that I am weak and silly.  The pressure is real, and although the goal is not wholly unholy (ha), I want to strive for a humble heart that is open to both correction and encouragement.

That is all-- thanks for reading!  Although I actually don't know who has read (let alone still reads) these words, I hope some of them have been an encouragement, perhaps even a challenge, but hopefully never too awkward.

many are the plans

I feel like I'm in college again, busting out a blogpost when I should be studying like crazy instead…so let's consider this a study break of sorts.

I haven't written on here in months, but I just felt like writing this so I can remind myself later --

I am a woman of many plans. I like scheduling and organizing. I'm not a huge fan of tardiness or missed deadlines. I don't like being kept waiting when I want to move forward with the plans that I had; then again, I also don't like being rushed when I had allotted more time for myself to work on something or enjoy something.

But as I learn to work with other people, lead and be led by other people, I see how stressful it is for me and how ungracious this can be for others, at times. Even if I say, "Oh, no problem, you can have until tomorrow morning," my heart is grumbling. If I have to rush through a meal or drop everything that I had been planning on doing with my two free hours to respond to someone's request, I feel like I am making suuuch a sacrifice and then I worry or lament over my own abandoned plans.

Of course, there is a fine line between being gracious/patient/responsive and being a doormat/pushover, but that's another story. What it comes down to is that I am kind of fixated on time - especially my time. Therefore, I need to remind myself that my time is not my own. I am living on borrowed time, time given to me graciously and lovingly by my Father who is in control of all. He sees me and keeps watch over me as I rest and as I rise the next day, as I cross the street safely once more, as I eat and drink healthily once more, as I learn and study undisturbed once more. I do have so many plans - for myself, for others - but at any moment, He could demand my life from me. Maybe that's pretty extreme thinking, but I just keep returning to that thought these days.

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." (Proverbs 19:21)

Ultimately, God is in control of everything and He gives me grace for each day at a time. In response, I can only offer what little I have, all I have - my heart, my mind, my soul.