starting fresh

Spring break began for me at 5:15 am on 3/4/2010.

As far as I can remember, it was probably the most stressful 48 hours I've had to experience in my life, but I made it out, only by the grace of God.

And 5:15 pm on 3/4/2010 onwards has been a great, relaxing time with friends and family :)

Spring break is aptly named for me because spring is supposed to be about new life and greenness, and I am legitimately beginning a "new" life. It feels really weird to say that I'm starting a-fresh, considering that I thought I had already been picked apart enough and put back together by the end of last summer, but this was a whole new beast, and now I think I'm finally on the road to pursuing exactly what I want.

It would take too long for me to explain everything here, but the general gist is that this whole time, all 20 years of my life (or most particularly, between freshman year of high school and a few days ago), I thought I had no real passion, no direction, no sign from God. But now that I've waited this long, I see that God had been sending me signs all along; it's only now that I am receiving them with open eyes and an open heart.

On a whim, I read through my old journals that cover my middle school and high school years (August 2001-November 2007). It's really funny looking back at those entries because whatever amount I've always thought my brother was a noob, I was equally a huge noob back then (and...I guess I still am, but shhh).

My entries were pretty equally divided between talk of grades (I was SO specific, writing down all my progress report grades and what I had gotten on a certain quiz/test to affect those grades) and talk of boys (as all silly little girls, especially by the name of Sarah, focus upon.) But when I read between the lines of all those adolescent worries and frustrations (like how I shouldn't like this guy in my 6th grade social studies class because he was "American" and I was Asian, and so it would never work), I am shocked by one main thing: I was more confident of myself. (How do I know? After relaying my worries, I would usually finish off with something cheesy/half-arrogant like, "It doesn't matter. I'm Sarah Ryu.")

Where that confidence came from back then, I have no idea. I had such high standards for myself, for the people I knew, for the future I wanted to have, and I was ready to face them head on. But upon entering college with the resources and opportunities to realize those standards, upon finding the real reason I should have any confidence in life, it's funny how the confidence actually dissipated. Though I now knew that God was the reason I could lift my head up high, I had somehow only processed that in my mind, but in my heart, I kept looking to other people to give me that confidence.

But no more. I am done.

I now know in my heart who justifies me, and I ain't afraid of no one :P

These past six months were incredibly rough, in a different and (in some ways) a more painful way than the three months prior to them, but what it was was not just a typical "sophomore slump," but it was the process of being put through the fire to be made new.

The verse that immediately comes to mind as I write down this revelation is from 2 Corinthians 4:16 - "Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." So many people have told me that I have looked absolutely miserable, that I've lost a considerable amount of weight since last semester, that they haven't seen a real smile on my face in a while, but I am now sure that through it all, God was just slowly refining and renewing me inwardly.

The song that immediately comes to mind in accompaniment is this one:

Old school, but it resonates within me right now, and I am so relieved and excited to say, "Yes, Lord. I'm laying down all my insane emo-ness of these past few months for Your incredible joy."

To anyone who stumbles upon this entry, I guess if you end up asking for the full story from me, it won't seem like anything life-changing or something to jump around my room for, but God knows how long it's taken me to finally come around. And you know, perhaps that's all that really matters :)