many are the plans

I feel like I'm in college again, busting out a blogpost when I should be studying like crazy instead…so let's consider this a study break of sorts.

I haven't written on here in months, but I just felt like writing this so I can remind myself later --

I am a woman of many plans. I like scheduling and organizing. I'm not a huge fan of tardiness or missed deadlines. I don't like being kept waiting when I want to move forward with the plans that I had; then again, I also don't like being rushed when I had allotted more time for myself to work on something or enjoy something.

But as I learn to work with other people, lead and be led by other people, I see how stressful it is for me and how ungracious this can be for others, at times. Even if I say, "Oh, no problem, you can have until tomorrow morning," my heart is grumbling. If I have to rush through a meal or drop everything that I had been planning on doing with my two free hours to respond to someone's request, I feel like I am making suuuch a sacrifice and then I worry or lament over my own abandoned plans.

Of course, there is a fine line between being gracious/patient/responsive and being a doormat/pushover, but that's another story. What it comes down to is that I am kind of fixated on time - especially my time. Therefore, I need to remind myself that my time is not my own. I am living on borrowed time, time given to me graciously and lovingly by my Father who is in control of all. He sees me and keeps watch over me as I rest and as I rise the next day, as I cross the street safely once more, as I eat and drink healthily once more, as I learn and study undisturbed once more. I do have so many plans - for myself, for others - but at any moment, He could demand my life from me. Maybe that's pretty extreme thinking, but I just keep returning to that thought these days.

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand." (Proverbs 19:21)

Ultimately, God is in control of everything and He gives me grace for each day at a time. In response, I can only offer what little I have, all I have - my heart, my mind, my soul.

and all i feel is fondness

I took a weekend trip immediately following my last exam of the semester to visit some people that I love. It was a delightful time (despite the crazy weather) and I only wish I had more time for more in-depth catch-ups. Admittedly, after spending a year mostly studying/doing work quietly and never talking to anyone without any sort of break in the conversation for more than 30 minutes at a time, my stamina ran super low super quickly, but this did not indicate the level of internal excitement I had!

There were a lot of thoughts that I had during the time I was there, but I guess I will only list the highlights here:

1. It's so interesting how growing older is so closely accompanied by different concerns/desires than those that we had when we were younger. Things that we would have never talked about (i.e., talked about seriously) are tossed out like of course that's a normal topic to be discussing or joking about - career moves, engagements, kids, etc. Granted, we're still quite young, so these conversations will only get more serious and more real as we get older, so I guess I'm (surprisingly?) looking forward to that. (Note: On the flip side, I suppose you would know that the people you are talking to aren't getting any more mature or moving forward in any way if you're still talking about the same things that you did five years ago lol.)

2. It's amazing how you can live in a city for four years and not know anything about anything about that city beyond the enclosed space you occupied. So as much as I can say I miss the place, it's true that what I'm really saying is that I miss the people and I miss the time I shared with them in that enclosed space. Home is where the heart is, right?

3. If falling out of touch in the era before cell phones and Internet and affordable transportation was due to technological limitations, is falling out of touch now due to laziness or genuine lack of care? I am terrible terrible terrible about keeping in touch, so I ask myself this from time to time. That said, being able to pick up again where we left off easily is a huge blessing.

4. What an amazing and wonderful thing to be able to walk into a church service and say hello to dozens of people who know you and have prayed with and for you and vice versa.

5. In the last 16? months, I have met and gotten to know a lot of new people, but I have to say there are so many special people from this prior stage of life that I hope to keep growing with and getting to know for the rest of my life. Will the nature of our relations change over that time? Maybe for some, absolutely for others - but as long as they don't disappear entirely, I think I will be okay.

6. I am really encouraged and blessed to see how God has been moving in people's lives and changing them for the better too - truly, He does carry the works He has started to completion with each passing day. I am hopeful that the same is visible in me!

And so winter break begins.

nice try

I think I really realized for the first time today that it's funny, practically downright hilarious, how the enemy prods at the places that will hurt me the most and opens old wounds. It's like he thinks that by doing so, I will somehow despair enough to give up on God and what I know to be true about Him. But like I said, it's funny, because where else do I have to go but to Him when I despair? Where else do I have to go but to Him to be healed? Where else do I have to go but to Him to find hope again? The more he tries to get at me, the more he drives me straight into His arms. Nice try, punk, but let me refer you to Romans 8:38-39.

This week was tough - it resurfaced old, recurring insecurities and sometimes my mind was so loud with thoughts and overthoughts that I couldn't bear to do anything more than just stare blankly and feel my heart shrivel up and burn up simultaneously inside me. (Geez, that sounds kind of intense, but just being honest here.) But today, today was so freeing. 

Today, I felt reassured that He has not forgotten me. He has not once taken His eyes off of me. He has always and will always desire and provide the best for me. His peace is so complete and so simple and so loving. He is more, He is greater, He is God. 

1 John 3:20: "…whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything."

Psalm 73:26: "My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Today, I felt more courage inside of me than I have felt in a long time. By His grace, I will emerge from all of this victorious. 

my favorite song

It is always on my heart, always on my lips these days:

Oh Lord, You're beautiful,

Your face is all I seek.

And when Your eyes are on this child,

Your grace abounds to me. 

Oh Lord, please light the fire

That once burned bright and clear.

Replace the lamp of my first love

That burns with holy fear.

I want to take Your Word and shine it all around,

But first help me just to live it, Lord.

And when I'm doing well, help me to never seek a crown,

For my reward is giving glory to You.

i know better

All I can keep thinking is just: I know better.

I know better!

I know better than to doubt and worry and despair, I know better than to harbor misconceptions, run away, and repeat mistakes, I know better than to think the way the world thinks, feel the way the world feels, want the things the world wants.

LORD, have mercy on my soul. Lead me in Your righteousness!

remind my soul

There are so many times that I have clicked on "New Post" and given up writing an entry halfway through because I realize I don't really have that many words left in me for this blog. It's kind of sad, really, because I don't mind sharing and I generally have a lot of thoughts, but I don't know why I get so speechless (figuratively speaking) when I sit down to type something out. It's kind of mirrored in that there are so many passing conversations these days where it's just a lot of "Hey, how are you, where do you work again/what are you studying again, okay cool" type exchanges where I just wonder if I've become a terrible conversationalist or relationships have changed too much because of distance and time and I just get sad but what can you do that's life you have to move on because there's so much to see and do here and now and waxing and waning is the normal rhythm of human interactions. (Now I can see how someone like Faulkner could write on and on without using punctuation marks...)

But the real problem is, sometimes I feel like I have those passing conversations with God too— hi, how are You, thanks for meeting with me, You know, this piece of news/comment/incident really broke my heart and can You believe the injustices&brokenness of this world? and I am so tired right now, I really wish I had gone to sleep an hour earlier yesterday, and please take care of this person and that person, and okay, gonna get back to what I was doing before, I'll catch You later. And it's not that I don't care, because I do, and it's not that I don't know that being in His presence is the best thing, because I do, and it's not that I don't need Him, because I so totally definitely do. What it really must be is that my heart doesn't really flutter at the sound of His voice or the warmth of His presence. And as cheesy as that sounds, I realize more and more it's something I really have to work(?) on as I grow in my faith. Of course, I cannot manufacture excitement and giddiness and pure delight (hence the question mark next to "work"), but there has to be some sort of attitude adjustment in how I see God and how I view our relationship. Lord, yes; Father, yes; Creator and Master of the universe, yes; but Lover of my soul? Mmm...yeah. I guess? Love as in like...Jesus's "greater love has no one than this"? No? Something different? Basically, it's a confusing road and not one that I have yet been taken down, I think. But as I have been tentatively opening up, He has been so good to me even in the smallest of things (like how He "magically" kept me dry Monday-Wednesday so that I wouldn't have to be walking when it was pouring rain and how beautiful it has been during this long weekend) to reassure me of the biggest of things: e.g. that I am forever His.

So yay, I have finally completed a post. But something I thought I should share? especially being that it is one of the main takeaways from AMI last weekend. I'm kind of rusty at blogging so I will sign off with an "okay cool." Okay cool.

out of sight, out of mind, no more rewinds

Time to stop feeling like I was never good enough,

this bildungsroman isn't quite finished yet.

Jesus ain't just yo' homeboy

We were going through part of John 15 today and I was suddenly reminded of those t-shirts from like the early 2000's (or I actually don't remember when they became popular) that said, "Jesus is my homeboy." When I first saw those t-shirts, I thought it was kind of funny and not necessarily incorrect because hey, doesn't Jesus call us His friends?

14 You are my friends if you do what I command you. 15 No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.  

(John 15:14-15)

I don't know about y'all, but my friends don't necessarily command me to do what they tell me to do as a condition of being their friend. Sure, there are things they might request of me from time to time, and maybe there are implicit commands like "Don't tell the whole world the private things I share with you" or "Don't steal my things, lie to me, and/or punch me in the face", but it's not quite the same as Jesus telling His disciples: "You are my friends if you do what I command you."

That sounds kind of demanding...so what does He mean by the statement that we are His friends if we do what He commands? Jesus draws a comparison in the subsequent verse - if we were simply His servants, Jesus would just tell us to do things without sharing why, how, for what purpose. Plain and simple, we would have a duty to Him, our master, as servants who are to know nothing but do everything He commands. However, Jesus says, He calls us friends because He has made known to us all that He has heard from the Father - He shares His vision and His purpose, He sometimes even asks for our opinion! So basically, we have the privilege of being called His friends when otherwise, the most we would have become from following His commands are servants.

Note that because Jesus is Lord and Jesus is master, our friendship with Him is not a peer-to-peer-type friendship that we are used to as human beings. We can't demand His obedience to our commands as a condition of us being His friends. And so, while being a friend of Jesus/God opens us up to a relationship of intimacy with the King and Creator of the universe that just isn't possible in any other religion, it's important to remember that Jesus ain't just one of yo' homeboys because He is nothing like us. He is sinless and perfect and fully God (i.e. in addition to fully man)...what else is there to say? lol

But He does understand us, and He does love us, so what a blessing it is to know that as His followers, we are also called His friends!



P.S. A good verse to remember if you ever feel unloved: "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you" (v.9) - Jesus loves us to the same extent (now and forever, without holding anything back, for our good and for our joy) that the Father loves Jesus...boom.

greenness and turkeys

Just two points before I head off to sleep:

Envy

Recently, my church heard two messages on envy - one with the main passage as Psalm 73 (envying the godless) and another with the main passage as Galatians 5:16-26 (envy within the church) - but the underlying theme was the same: envy hinders us from pursuing and experiencing the glory of God. Envy is us saying to God, Hey, I don't think what You're providing me with right now is enough. I don't and I can't trust You. And while it's true that Christians can definitely be shaken by how those without God seem to get by just fine (sometimes even better) during this lifetime, I think the tougher struggle/sin is actually envying other believers; there is no obvious gaping disparity (i.e. being with God vs. not being with God) that prompts us to be thankful and secure no matter what the other disparities are. When other believers seem to have it "easier" or seem to have "it all" while we ourselves are struggling or lacking in a certain area, it's tempting to think that God is a finite parent with limited resources of love and attention. But as my pastor reminded us: God is not finite. God is infinite, and He gives us all exactly what we need. He also pointed out that the blessings that other believers receive are blessings for the body — the most obvious biblical example being spiritual gifts. It's easy to look at someone who seems to be more spiritually gifted and think that God especially favors him/her for his/her sake; however, with the exception of the gift of tongues, every other spiritual gift is for the church's sake. So, when we stop comparing and start trusting God, we are able to view other believers' blessings with rejoicing and praise, not the icky feeling of discontent and left-out-ed-ness. Therefore, we should actively seek to combat the sin of envy and never dismiss it as just a passing feeling because it causes strife in the church and strains our relationship with God.

Thanksgiving

That being said, I personally feel this struggle/sin so acutely more than I'd like to admit, and the only way to combat it is to keep returning to a place of repentance and then thanksgiving. 

I was taken aback by something I was told a few weeks ago - I told them that I was a very difficult individual to surprise (e.g. for birthday celebrations) because I am just too quick on the uptake and I just can't hide my non-surprise, and while most people have just laughed/waved it off upon hearing this, this person told me: "That seems to show that you're not a very thankful person." (Don't worry, it came from an authority figure, so nbd, I accepted the rebuke lol) And while at first, I was like "well, that escalated quickly," I thought about it and I realized that it was true: I fail to appreciate the time and planning because it doesn't achieve the result that the surpriser/I expect(s). But extrapolated further, while I am definitely thankful to God for many, many, many things, I so quickly forget in less-than-desirous circumstances. 

I can say confidently that I am so thankful for my health, the opportunity to learn and work, my family and my friends, the food I eat, the warm bed I get to sleep in very soon, the ability to worship freely and even write this blogpost — the list goes on and on. But I am also aware of (and God knows so well) the other things that poke at me from time to time, turning my gladness into discontent and discouragement. And it's an ongoing battle for my heart, honestly, and even if those things are later filled or forgotten, I'm sure new things will threaten to take root. So, as I mentally sing along with Starfield's "Heart and Flesh" ("And I am satisfied, satisfied in You Lord") until it truly, truly becomes the cry of my heart, I will keep returning this weak and frivolous heart before Him so that He can restore it and so I can increase in my thanksgiving each day.

social media sympathy

Whenever a tragedy occurs, I suddenly feel like I'm not allowed to post anything (on Twitter, FB, Instagram, blog, etc.) because what does it matter what the weather is like where I am or what awkward/funny incident happened on my way over to X building or how I feel about a comment Y said in class or some random thing I overheard when people somewhere else in the world have suffered immensely? It doesn't. It really doesn't at all.

So I keep quiet, partly out of respect&reflection, but also partly because I feel guilted into it. You know, the whole "don't leave food on your plate because there are starving children in Africa" kind of guilt-tripping. 

But whenever a tragedy occurs, so many people I know (and don't know) post trending hashtags (like #prayforZ) or short little statements about how their hearts are breaking or how they can't believe such-and-such happened or how we all need to pray/keep victims in our thoughts&hearts, and I guess that's definitely the upside of this whole community aspect of the online "community" facilitated by social media — the encouragement, the solidarity, the public display of sympathy/empathy so that everyone remembers that the human experience is sometimes about taking on shared grief — but I'm not sure that this kind of response is always better than my self-conscious silence. 

Tragedies happen every single day, every single second — the unjust go unpunished, the helpless are overcome by more powerful natural and human forces, the hatred and bitterness and brokenness of people stifle attempts to love and heal — but there aren't daily hashtags for these events reminding people to pray or even donate 5 minutes of our thoughts. Yes, I completely understand that some events just hit much much much closer to home, and if we had to keep track of every single injustice and hurt and disaster in this world every single day, I think we would be overwhelmed and perhaps even desensitized. 

But I guess what it is that I want to say is not that social media should not be used to encourage and support those who are hurting — it should because it should be used for greater purposes than re-posting funny cat videos or #firstworldproblem statuses about having to wait too long in line at Starbucks or the air conditioning being too cold — but if it's just a fad, if it's because it makes you look like a caring, compassionate, socially-conscious person for that day, then I think it's better not to comment in such a public space. Whether we declare it to the world or not, a tragedy will take root in our thoughts and hearts and prayers if we truly care. We will not be able to keep ourselves from privately asking God (whether one believes or not) as we walk from point A to point B or as we lie in our beds at night staring at the ceiling: "Why?" and "Where is the good in this world?" and "How can we make this world a better place?" And though we will often forget as time passes, we will also remember from time to time as well. That's for us to know and feel and internalize. No one else has to know. But when it comes time to share, face to face — where we can see the tears gather in each other's eyes and hear the halting voice that carefully emerges from a broken heart — then we will share.