changes: sweetly broken

Final part in the how-I've-changed series.

Let me be up front with you about my faith. I am a life-long Christian by name, but never have I been Christian until now.

Let me clarify. 

I'll be honest: I've always thought I was a good person. Go me. I listen to my elders, eat all my vegetables, and make babies laugh. And on top of that, I thought I was a pretty decent Christian. I wasn't perfect, of course, but I thought I was at a higher maturity level than most kids my age. And in one aspect, it was partly true, because six years of Bible study classes ended in one conclusion: basketball, cars, and girls were infinitely more interesting than Jesus. At least, this was true to the boys in my class. I came from a church that was broken by cliques and had issues focusing on the Word, and because I knew this in my head, I separated myself from this institution over the years. I thought I was above them, above the hypocrisy and above the distractions they faced. I mean, couldn't you at the least be holy in church?

And now, in college, going to GCC, being surrounded by Christians old and new that are regardlessly on fire for God, I have to say, it's a better environment for someone to embrace his or her faith. Perhaps I needed more inspirational people, more devoted people, more focused people (religiously...and otherwise). But after a whole semester of family group Bible studies, prayer meetings, fun hangouts and fellowship, and God-centered Sunday services, I find that there's this deficiency somewhere in my heart. Yeah, it's filled with awesome people. Yeah, it's filled with God. But I think what's missing now is my own effort.

I've been coasting for a while because I was never required to actually drive the car on my spiritual journey. I soaked up the basic tenants, Bible stories, and repeated passages in an osmotic way, just letting it seep in and sit there. I had always approached the Bible in an almost literary way, and because I have always liked reading and analyzing literature, it was "easy" for me to be "knowledgeable" about the Bible. But now I know better. I know very little, only what I know from experiencing intangible concepts like God's grace and love and faithfulness. Ask me to discuss the Bible with random people on the street, and you might as well have told me to go dance in a monkey suit to the Funky Chicken music.

I also always thought I had never pushed away God, because despite my problems with the church, I was too afraid to actually reject Him completely. But I did, because  I thought being too Christian was unattractive and unpopular:

- Christian literature? - not the classics

- Christian music? - lame and not applicable

- Christian clubs? - cult

- Christian blogs/notes? - pretentious

- Christian stores? - intimidating

Being too Christian meant you were close-minded, superior, and just plain weird. The home-schooled girls I met at All-State Orchestra each year pretty much condemned their non-Christian standpartners to hell. Awesome. So I tried to keep my faith a personal thing, putting it in its little box on the shelf, next to my Bible that would gather dust during the week.

I wasn't too good at even keeping it personal, though. I was a hypocrite even if I didn't party and drink and use drugs: I cursed regularly, spoke badly of people behind their backs, lied, despised Sundays, coveted and wished people ill, rejected my brother, and used God's name in vain all the time. I didn't read the Bible, I didn't bother to do quiet times, I didn't try to ameliorate my situation in the church. 

You never feel quite as vulnerable as you do when you finally admit your shortcomings and sins. The average human being lives life thinking about what good things he/she has done throughout the day/week/year, not what he/she has done wrong or poorly. Yes, some of us do think about it in our self-absorbed emo-ness, but when it comes down to it, people without serious known problems are unwilling to admit these things. Even alcoholics and chain-smokers fail to admit that they have a problem, even though the whole world can see it. But it's people like me - the normal, relatively problem-free people who are also Christian - that need to admit their faults the most.

So now, I'm letting go of everything. I know where I stand now, or at least, I'm saying out loud where I stand, because I'm pretty sure I always knew that I wasn't what I was mentally. I'm back to being Christian again, and this time, foreal; I'm actually going to embrace my faith and live it out rather than have a muted politically-correct version of it sitting within the depths of my heart. 

I thought this even before I became Christian, but being of the Christian faith means much more than wearing a cross around your neck on Sundays and praying earnestly in the pews so other people can see you. Christianity is a way of life. Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." (John 14:6) Truly, no one. Not even my "good person" self. Without really having a one-on-one relationship with God, with Jesus, I'm just living in a shell. No amount of Chris Tomlin, GCC gatherings, and Sunday messages will replace just me being with God. And I think knowing this has changed me the most, in all areas of my life, over this past year.

I'm finally sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.