changes: too cool for school

Part 5 in the how-I've-changed series.

If you knew me last year at this time, you would have found me spazzing out completely about my physics final, trying to decide if it would make or break me for college admissions. I used to spaz out about my grades so much. So much. The first time I got a B in AP World History, I freaked. What was this class doing to me? Ruining my grades! I've never gotten less than an A on a test before! The first time I consistently got B's in AP Chemistry, I freaked yet again. Ruining my grades again?! I was studying so hard! I was always working on Chem. What? And wow, the first time I failed a math test in Calc BC, not only did I freak, but my mother freaked. That was the first class for which I actually got a tutor. Of course, he didn't help at all, but the fact that I had one was sad enough.

I think I've been alienated by or accidentally alienated several friends because of my obsession with grades over the years. Looking back, sure, it was necessary, because as some of the upperclassmen here have put it: you need stress to actually get yourself to be productive. And it's true, if you have no sense of anxiety or urgency in your life, you never feel the need to get anything done. But also looking back, I see what a waste of energy, tears, and time that was, simply worrying all the time.

Let me tell you, I am so much more chill about school in college. This is not to say that I am flat-out lazy and unproductive, because that is not true. I've never studied harder for math in my life, ha. But at the same time, I don't freak out all the time. There are bigger things than just studying, getting good grades, and feeling reassured about my worthiness in life because of those numbers. And yes, I guess you can say it's because I don't have to worry about getting into college anymore, but at the same time, it's actually more tense because I have to worry about getting into grad schools or landing a job. 

I think what happened was that I stopped equating academic success with happiness. (I mean, from a former entry, I also have stopped looking for only happiness, but rather joy.) But really, after doing a whole paper on the relationships between immigrant Asian mothers and their teenage daughters, I realize that a lot of potentially bad relationships come out of the pressure for academic excellence. It's mad important, forsure, but seriously? If you've observed what's been going on with our economy these days, even the best grades can't guarantee you bread on the table anymore. 

So yeah. I'm still working hard because not working hard would just be a waste of all this tuition money my parents have been forking over, but I'm no longer basing my life on test results. Though...I do need good grades on my finals, so wish me luck! :)

(Oh, and 50th post!)